An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

2009 in photos

As we approach the final days and hours of 2009, I’m struck by the many ups and downs my family and most likely yours have experienced over the last twelve months. And although I know it was a tough span of time for many people, I really need to articulate just how awesome this year has been for us. And oh my god, Heather Armstrong is getting all positive up in here. UNFOLLOW! WHERE IS THAT ACERBIC WHOREBAG YOU USED TO KNOW AND LOVE.

Let’s see, in the last twelve months I have (NOTE: I am about to start bragging, mainly so that my mom can print this out, take it to church, and tell her friends that I’m not all that bad, that when I die my fellow brothers and sisters in the Telestial Kingdom will be in good company):

1. Gained 45 pounds. See: all those boxes of powdered donuts.

2. Lost 50 pounds (that extra five due to the stress of bullying a multibillion dollar corporation into fixing my broken washing machine).

3. Been a guest on The Today Show, The Bonnie Hunt Show, Dr. Phil, and Oprah. I repeat: OPRAH. OOOOPPPPRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH.

4. Made the New York Times Best Sellers List, something I owe to my seventh grade English teacher, Mary Krause Fowler.

5. Named by Forbes as one of the top 30 most influential women in media. (NUMBER TWENTY-SIX BITCHES!)

6. Been featured as a $2000 answer on Jeopardy.

7. Made Time’s list of the 25 Best Blogs of 2009.

8. Toured with my book to New York, Chicago, Portland, Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Denver, and Austin.

9. Enrolled my oldest daughter into kindergarten.

10. Briefly met and then slightly harassed Peter Frampton.

11. Launched a community section of my website which has soared far beyond my expectations in terms of the respect and generosity among its members.

12. Oh, and I had that baby. Without any pain medication. Yes, I will always point that out even though it is tacky to do so. Also, it makes it so that Jon cannot ever trump me.

And then there was the broken toe, the SHINGLES!, the minor case of swine flu, and a bathroom remodel so offensive that WE WILL ALL DIE! (see comment #93)

I also had to say goodbye to my beloved Granny Boone, the magnificent matriarch of my giant Southern family, a woman whose iron will I strive to emulate every day of my life.

It’s been a hell of a year, and we are among the lucky ones who still have the means to pay for our house and our car and the food on our table, and for that I thank you, you who come here to share in this total wackadoo story. I wish I could take each and every one of you out for a beer. Or a Sprite if that is your preference.

Here is our year in photos:

(soundtrack is “Follow Through” by Hotel Lights)

  • agablack

    Oh, crap. Now I’m all in tears.
    And I was hungry just 5 minutes ago. Food? What food? sniff, sniff…
    Thank You!

  • Tori

    I’m so honored to read that someone’s life is a bit wacky like mine. I thought I was the only one. Nope. I’m sure there’s more of us out there waiting to escape. I too had shingles after my second daughter. Way too much stress. The craziness of one’s life just makes us that much stronger regardless of what anyone thinks of us. They really don’t matter. We know who matters:) Here’s to 2010! Cheers:)

  • missusclark

    What a lovely video! My 4-year-old twin girls watched it with me, yelling questions. “What’s the doggie’s name!?” “Awww, cute baby! What’s her name?!?” “Who is Coco?!?”

    What a great year for your family. Best wishes for an even greater 2010!

  • thesbc

    Smiled, giggled and then got teary-eyed. Totally cool! Funny, don’t remember how I discovered your blog months and months ago, but knew I would like you from the first sarcastic comment I read. Then I read more and was LMAO. Been hooked ever since.

    Have to agree with #43 : )

  • napachick

    the photographs alone left me breathless and teary… I’ve been reading your blog since 2002 (thanks to Sarah Brown!) and just wanted to say congratulations on your fabulous year – and thank you for making me smile every day.


  • adrienne jackson

    i just went and read some of those crazy comments from the bathroom post, and #95 is a whole lotta crazy too. happy 2010.

  • amhahn22

    What a great post. I have been following you since Leta was little and it’s been fun to watch your family grow. My friend Katie recently had you sign a book for me at the SLC book signing and I’m enjoying it- I just had a second baby and I can identify with you on so many levels about how this one is just… different.

    Also, I wish you could do a post on music once in a while- like the top 10 things you are listening to, or something similar, because I love the music you include in your posts occasionally but am one of those people that have no talent for finding good music myself.

  • Becca

    Ah Dooce, I love you! You freaking made it on Jeopardy!!!!!!

  • jessalee

    I was reading through the comments, and it only took me until Comment #2 to screw it up. I read it as, “You’re a tacky lady,” instead of, “You’re a lucky lady.” And when I realized how I had misread it I thought that, hey, I’d personally take either sentiment and run with it, so 2009 sounds pretty successful to me!

    Thanks for taking us along this year. It’s been a pleasure. Dare I say a tacky pleasure? THE BEST KIND!

  • jlejeune

    Heather and Jon,

    Thanks for making me smile so much. Happy New Year!

  • Jessica W.

    Well, that got me all verklempt :*) Happy New Year to the Armstrong Clan!

    (Also? How the hell did Marlo go from itty bitty to HUUUGGGEEEEE so fast?! I can’t believe it!)

  • Noahs Mom

    Thank you, Armstrongs, for the many ways you’ve enriched my life by sharing your story. And what a marvelous story it is.

    All the best in the new year!

  • Lew Newmark

    Hi Heather.

    It is amazing what you have been able to a accomplish this past year. I only hope that I am able to achieve what you have been able to do here on Dooce in the future with my blog.

    Your being able to share your up’s and downs in your life with everyone here, continues to fuel my blogging efforts.

    Much joy and happiness to you and your family in the coming new year, and for another year of laughter and insight here on Dooce!!!


  • thecattylife

    LOVED the year in photos, especially when Marlo came along. I can’t get over her eyes.. those hypnotic blue eyes. There will be trouble when she learns to negotiate I tell you 🙂 Happy new year!

  • MeMyselfandMommy

    Congratulations on a great year Armstrong

  • Becky Cochrane

    Beautiful family, beautiful year, beautiful photos. Thank you for sharing them all with us.

  • Naperville Now

    Lovely. Thank you.

  • Debbie in Memphis

    Thank you for sharing your crazy wackadoo stories with us. You help me appreciate my own crazy wackadoo life. I hope y’all have a 2010 that is even better than 2009. I hope we all do.

  • Penelope

    Absolutely beautiful. Happy New Year to your wonderful family. Thanks for giving so many of us hope, inspiration, laughs, style suggestions and camaraderie throughout the year.

  • Leslie_Yum

    I loved reading about all that, too. Reading your stories and seeing the pictures is a great little break in my day.
    Thanks, and Happy New Year to you and your family 🙂

  • Anu

    Beautiful video. You have a lovely family. I wish you all a very happy, joyful and love filled 2010.

  • leafgirl

    So beautiful and wonderful of you to share with us all. I love your blog and your little family and I can’t believe how addicted I am to the community. Its weird how reading everyone else’s mundane stuff makes me feel just a little less alone. Thank you.

  • Ray1987

    WOW! You had a helluva year. Bless your family; I hope you all have a great, “New Year’s Eve” and a great “New Year” (in 2010) ahead of you. ;o)

  • JillT

    This is totally unrelated to today, but comments were closed yesterday. I just want to say that Marlo had the most amazing eyes and I really want to warn you about the time when she turns 13, but this is a happy season so I’ll just let it go. . .

  • Catatonic

    So beautiful. So much LIFE! I envy you. Thank you, Heather and Jon, for sharing yor life with us.

  • KellyD

    Wonderful photos and video presentation.
    I admire your restraint though! I’ve been reading your blog for a REALLY long time (still laugh about the passing out while pooping and breaking the glasses story that is not your story… funny on so many levels), and I thought for sure this beautiful video was going to end in a surprise outburst of SHINGLES!
    Of course the video is far better that you didn’t do that, but I am now certain that my brain has been doocewashed (or would that be dooched?) since I’m looking for the poop, boobs, and shingles angle on any heartwarming Armstrong family tale, picture, or movie.

  • caligirl

    Thanks Heather and Jon! I’ve shared in your laughter and tears throughout the year and it was wonderful to see the photos and be reminded of it all again. Your family is such an inspiration to me and whenever I need a laugh or a pick-me-up, I always head straight to your site. Thanks for sharing your life with us. May 2010 be even more incredible!

  • Ingrid

    Feel like i’ve just watched a whole movie of your life – it seems like a good one:) Thanks for shearing, i really enjoy your blog.

  • Deckside Thoughts

    I just want to say 4 things:
    Your dogs are incredibly patient and well behaved.
    You and Jon make beautiful children together.
    The photos & music were beautiful.
    Wishing you and yours a wonderful 2010.

  • melizerd

    I’ve been reading since Leta was born and I think this by far is your biggest year!

    I love the photo montage it’s a great idea to keep track of milestones for each year.

    Here’s to many more years with you Heather!

  • AboutWee

    Wow – what a year you’ve had. Thanks for sharing it with us.
    Wishing you Jon, Leta & Marlo a happy new year, good health, continued success in everything you guys do & an eventful 2010 that I look forward sharing with you all again.
    Take care & be well.

  • spooner

    You are so talented and the year in photos was really fun to watch. Thank you for making me laugh and sometimes cry in 2009. I love telling people my story about meeting you at the doctors office and how I stumbled over my words like I was meeting the biggest celeb ever!

  • Groovymarlin

    Beautiful! Congratulations on having an amazing year, you deserved it. Thanks for writing this blog, it means a lot to many of us.

  • LyndaN

    Even though I’ve seen every one of those photos, watching them all together got me. Oy! You guys have been a highlight of my year, and I wish you all the very best for 2010.

  • BexBrown

    Thank you so much for sharing that. I hope you have a digital frame that you can save that too and have it remind you of the past year every 30 seconds. You guys rock!

  • H to the Izzo

    Congrats on such a great year! The slideshow was lovely. I can’t get over Marlo’s saucer eyes and how grown-up Leta looks. 2009 was a bad year for me but bloggers like you who share the laughs and heartache with the Internets make it worth getting through. Thanks.

  • lgski

    That was an impressive video as well as an impressive year. Happy 2010!

  • yogafan

    I love the pictures- And your year kicks my year’s butt.. Congrats on all the achievements!

  • nomad61877

    Thanks so much for another year of sharing your thoughts, events and family with us! I still can’t get enough of your terrific writing and wonderful photos. Congratulations on all your success, you deserve it, have a great 2010!

  • poopinginpeace

    If I didn’t love you and your website so much I’d hate you. At the very least I’m super jealous of you. You had an amazing year, but you deserve it with everything you’ve been through in recent years. You are a true inspiration to moms everywhere. Thanks for doing something that has helped many of us moms who sometimes feel very alone. There has been more than one occasion when reading your site has been the highlight and saving grace of my day. Thank you! Happy New Year to all of you.

  • wellije

    Beautiful! Thank you for making the internet part of your family!

  • alice q.

    Loved it! Thanks for making us a part of your lives. Bright and happy wishes for 2010.

  • strawberrygoldie

    Ahhhh. I am such a sentimental sucker for these. And always so impressed with them. It would take me 15 weeks to choose the oh-so-right photos for the montage.

    Well done.

    And that last picture is, in my very humble opinion…and without having ever seen you in person…the best photo of you I have seen.

    Happy New Year from a fellow Heather.

  • brooke

    i feel like such a nerd getting teary eyed watching pics from someone elses life who i do not know, but sometimes feel like we are secret besties!

  • Diana The Doggy Mommy

    A beautiful reflection of why I am so inspired by you and your family. Thank you very much for everything!

    Happy New Year to you Armstrong family!

  • allison76

    Ack! Tears!
    Thank YOU so much for sharing your wackadoo life with us, Heather and Jon.
    May 2010 be just as successful and harmonious as the last year.
    Ally (in Australia)

  • delirousone

    Looks like Chuck should meet Oolong the Rabbit – the owner of Oolong used to regularly balance items on his head, take pix and post them on the web. Adorable.

    Thanks for months of grins – congrats on all the successes. NEXT: WORLD DOMINATION. (Okay, it may take a couple years, but you know it’s coming…)

  • Mialulu

    Me and my friend were reading this together and we were discussing/laughing/talking about it. When I got to the the part where you wrote about having a baby without painmeds…..

    I said “man is she trying to be like superwomen or what” my friend responded and said “No she IS SUPERWOMEN!!!!!, she is a self made millionaire look at everything she does!”

    (*note* not that we actually know your income, it was basically an expression)

    Great Year of Accomplishments Heather! Its been fun following you!


    Thank you again for making me laugh this year. I don’t ever miss a posting. Your friends and family are beautiful!! Happy New Year!!

  • DooceFan4Eva

    I have been waiting on pins and needles for this posting. I was actually scared it might not happen. Dunno why—a bit of anxiety perhaps?

    I loved last year’s year in pictures and fell in love with Bon Iver. I love this years song choice and went straight away and downloaded it!

    Thanks for the wonderful writing, beautiful pictures and the constant glimpse you give us into your life.

    Cheers Armstrong Family!!!!!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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