An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Mrs. Armstrong goes to Washington

So I get a call yesterday at about 11AM and the guy is all WHITE HOUSE! ARE YOU INTERESTED?! And as much as I would like to tell you that he had a New Jersey accent, sadly, I can’t. He didn’t. How incredible would that have been, though? The guy that calls from the White House going IS YOU READY FOR DIS?


Of course, I said. Why yes, I’m interested, how did you know? Was it the Obama sign we had glued to our window in 2008? Was it my husband’s many incoherent and at times hostile twitters? (I apologize now for all those he may have referred to as a “freakburger”). Was it the deafening cheers you heard from this side of Salt Lake when health care reform passed? No, none of that? Then I’m going to guess Rahm Emanuel got that letter I sent him on pink, perfumed stationery. The one I kissed with my glittery lipstick. The one Jon signed, “And me, too, sweetheart.”

I’ve been invited to participate in a White House Forum on Workplace Flexibility, and they told me I might want to hold off saying anything until they had completed my background check. Because no telling WHAT they mind find that I haven’t written about in way too much detail here. No, really. Too much information. Heather, stop. STOP NOW. HEATHER. No one wants to hear about your episiotomy, HEATHER.

Actually, I wrote a New York Times Bestseller that says otherwise, JON.

Seriously, I get invited to the White House, and he’s all NO BURPING, NO FARTING, AND BY ALL MEANS, WOMAN, DO NOT TALK ABOUT POOP IN FRONT OF THE PRESIDENT. Well then, why did he call?

So yeah, that background check. I keep going over and over in my head everything I’ve ever done that might be unsavory in the last twelve years since I stopped practicing Mormonism. Since I stopped living like a nun. Well, since I stopped repenting like a nun.

And thoughts of unpaid parking tickets (none) or maybe forgetting to tip a server (never) keep popping into my head. I can see it now: “We heard from Stephanie at Chili’s. She says she brought you five Diet Cokes and you left her nothing. How could you?”

Oh, wait! What if they find out about those two unpaid parking tickets from BYU that my dad paid for me. So that I could get my diploma. Well then, THEY AREN’T UNPAID, NOW ARE THEY?

(Reminds me: Dad, I owe you forty bucks.)

If they find something in the next day you can count on the fact that I will report every detail here, and be all OBVIOUSLY I DON’T REMEMBER, I WAS HIGH. Except not, because I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been high in my life, and I remember every single thing I did during every moment, including thinking that I had stolen a bottle of steak sauce from The Smithsonian because I thought it had expired a thousand years BEFORE CHRIST. I turned to my Jewish boyfriend at the time and yelled HOW THE HELL IS THIS THING STILL LIQUID?

I will take notes in my head, as good as it is after all these years of living without repenting, and you can actually follow along with the live webcast. I’m hoping to bring a few perspectives to the table, having been broke off my ass and living in my mother’s basement, to being a stay-at-home mom with a husband whose workplace wanted to ignore the fact that people have families, to starting my own business, hiring employees and managing their needs, and trying to find the right balance between the time I spend working and the time I spend with my family, a line that gets blurred probably too frequently.

Anyway, here’s hoping the background check goes well. SHHH, EVERYBODY! Don’t tell them about the time I got fired for this website!

Good morning, DC:

  • MichelleBarra

    Congratulations Heather from your Australian fans!

    And I am LOVING Hipstamatic to death!! Makes even the most boring shot look all arty and funky. Although my family are getting tired of me saying “Look at this picture! Just LOOK AT THIS PICTURE!”

  • Mom101

    We’re lucky to have you speaking for us, mama.

    Knock ’em dead.

    (Secret Service: If you’re reading, it’s just a euphemism.)

  • kelly cuvar

    I am very, very excited for you. A few weeks ago I testified in an informal Congressional hearing about health insurance company abuses (a few days before the final vote) and then was invited to appear on CNN live the next morning to talk about my testimony. I got to testify whilst sitting next to REPRESENTATIVE ANTHONY WEINER (!) and then on CNN I got to voice my disapproval of Minority Leader John Boehner (who used to be my representative; I live in NYC now, though, and while Weiner’s not my Congressman, his district is very close to mine–his political views are even closer). All in all, those were two of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had as a political activist and all-around wonk. I am sure you will love the experience as much as I did. As a citizen it is amazing to have the opportunity to engage government in that way. There’s nothing like it.

  • raynedancer

    Welcome to DC! Sorry the weather sucked today. I’m sure it’ll be better tomorrow!

  • s3rp3nts

    So, if you meet a 6’7″ tall guy named Marvin Nicholson, say hi from Jen for me! Or don’t, because he’s the travel director and may not be around. But you can’t miss him if he is.

  • Cheryld

    I am so unbelievably jealous! This is going to be such a great opportunity! Will you get to spend any time in DC? It’s such a great city! Will you be meeting with Obama himself?

    Have a great time!

  • Momo05

    Heather – I’ve been reading for years but just signed up to the community for the SOLE PURPOSE of asking (begging) (pleading) (demanding) that you to have a meetup while you are in DC! The weather will be gorgeous, I suggest rooftop happy hour at Lauriol Plaza or Local 16.

  • tiny apple

    besides being AWESOME that you were invited to the white house, you’re in my hood!! don’t forget to check out the cherry blossoms while you’re here…i’ll be the nut out taking engagement pictures at the ass crack of down down by the tidal basin on friday. woohoo! have fun with the prez! oh! and go check out tryst in adams morgan. best coffee shop EVER!

  • I Make My Own Fun


    My husband works at the Holocaust Museum in DC. If you’re interested, he’d be happy to give you a tour! OR I would be happy to by you a beer at the yummy brewhouse nearby.

    I second the request for a meet-up!


  • TrainerLas

    This is great for 2 reasons:
    1 – you get to go and I think you will represent us well.
    2 – because someone at the White House cares about this issue.

    I too have carved out a great life for myself, as a self employed woman and mother of two boys, with a meaningful career. When I try to encourage others to do the same, I have to stop myself, because I wouldn’t have the same balance I have if my husband didn’t have a traditional job with good benefits.

    Though we’ve come a long way, we have a long way to go. Thank you for being a leader of the pack!

  • Yolanda

    Holy wow. I’m starting to feel too insignificant to comment on this blog. You’ve met Oprah. You’re on HGTV. You’re going to the White House! Can you even fricking believe your life? You’re just too rad, sister. Just too damn rad.

  • karaoconnell

    okay, this is weird, i know. i just just just moved to washington dc with my husband to start our weird life together. i don’t know anyone here. not a single soul … but i kind of know you?

    i know you may not have a second to spare during your very important visit to the district, but if you do, there’s a young digital storyteller that would love to buy you a coffee and pick your brain about life, marriage and blogging.

    weird, right?

  • Frank Marouet

    Oh yes please do have a service for your DC congregation. There are any number of speakeasies within stumbling distance of the White House and my wife works only a block away and I will be happy to sell the children or get a babysitter or something.

    … Unless this is an April Fools’ joke, in which case it’s quite cruel and I shall still be selling the kids.

    Fingers crossed!

  • bambooska

    Congratulations, Heather and Jon. 🙂

    I can’t even imagine how excited you guys must be to meet such an inspiring man. I hope you have a great time in the White House and tell us the details! We’ll be dying to know if there’s gonna be any farts in the presidential room.

  • annahj

    That’s awesome! DC drinks! Let’s do it! I’m doing a whole huge-ass walking tour of DC with my friend who’s never been today, and tomorrow, and Friday,… and we’re having a picnic on Saturday! You could come! “This is my friend Kolleen, we studied abroad together, this is my boyfriend Dave, and this is Heather, whos blog I’ve read for years…” sounds amazing… =)

  • annahj

    That’s awesome! DC drinks! Let’s do it! I’m doing a whole huge-ass walking tour of DC with my friend who’s never been today, and tomorrow, and Friday,… and we’re having a picnic on Saturday! You could come! “This is my friend Kolleen, we studied abroad together, this is my boyfriend Dave, and this is Heather, whos blog I’ve read for years…” sounds amazing… =)

  • lovems

    YAHOO! Go Heather!

  • bbmowery

    I grew up in the DC suburbs, I implore you to visit the Old Post Office Pavilion. It’s at Pennsylvania and 13th-ish NW. The US Park Service operates the Tower and admission is free. Take the elevator up to the tippy top–it’s the best view in the city. 🙂

  • Mfurl

    So exciting! Yes, Heather, please let us know if you have time or interest for a DC meet-and-greet! I’m just down the block from the White House…

  • anne_cunningham

    anyone interested in seeing the forum, it will be broadcast here sometime around 1:15 EST. i know i will be multi-tasking with work AND watching the video, here at home in my stocking feet. should be an interesting forum. watch it here …

  • asomewhattallgirl

    Heather, this man needs a hug from all of us who care! Don’t get the secret service upset, but if you can get close enough, please hug him for me.
    It makes me so sad how hard the GOP and the crazy right has made things for him.

    You Rock! as always, robin

  • christieanne_99

    Can’t wait to watch! I agree that you should meet up with some of your DC fans. Coffee? Drink? We’d love to meet you and show you some DC hospitality!

  • cipsi

    Congratulations! Is Michelle Obama going to be involved with this initiative? I hope you get to meet her and the Pres.

    Thanks in advance for putting in a good, reasonable and perhaps flatulent word for working families!


  • ms. adventure

    I dare you to bring Obama the special joy that only Dooce can bring and challenge him to a burping contest. I’d advocate for farting, but I think you should wait until you know him better.

  • layners1302

    i’m sad i missed the meet! old ebbitt’s is a fave! i hope everyone had a great time 🙂

  • LuckyMama

    I am so proud of you Heather! The President of THESE United States (are there any other?) cares about what YOU have to say!!! Whether it’s about your poop (or lack there of) or your boobs…he wants to hear from YOU! (picture Uncle Sam pointing at you now).

    Don’t forget to tell him THE PEN story!!! “THE PEN! Where’s THE PEN!?!?” If he doesn’t laugh…IMPEACH HIS ASS!

  • Rags1027

    Although I love ALL of your photos, I must suggest you show the colors of the cherry blossoms. The greenish coloring is cool…but not with cherry blossoms. They’re called cherry for a reason!!!! 😉

  • workroom

    Holy crap Heather, this is big… DO NOT HIT TACO BELL BEFORE YOUR VISIT… it will be hard to blog from Gitmo after you’re hauled in for releasing a weapon of ass destruction…

    btw, ask him why Gitmo isn’t closed yet?

  • Maja66

    Please share what you are using for your most awesome photos 🙂 I know you use Hipstamatic/tiltshift generator/crossprocess. What others and would you share the settings…please.

  • sherardson

    I`m thinking about doing sniping in airsoft ive played for about 2 years now and ive seen ppl talk about sniper camps where you can train in the summer with some ppl for like 1-4 weeks in the summer but its mostly in the UK i heard i was wondering if anyone knew there are any camps like that in the USA preferably around Washington State
    Forex Trading System

  • Bryony Boxer

    Read about it on BlogHer. Looking forward to an update!

  • dawnseer

    Congrats! Love the pic 🙂

  • Kate123

    congradulation!!SO cool!

  • Laura Trevey


    We are going to be in DC on Thursday, and I love all the excitement there!

    Happy Easter ~~
    Laura Trevey

  • NolaMomma

    I’m in the middle of moving and didn’t get to watch any of the streaming or anything, but wanted to take a moment to express my congratulations to you! I cannot even imagine your excitement and amazement and somehow by being a regular reader of this blog and a small part of the community here, I feel two degrees of separation from the POTUS and Mrs. POTUS and I teared up with pride reading about this news.

    Okay, where was I? Yes, loading up boxes and taking care of my sick daughter who caught a 12 hour stomach virus just before the moving truck showed up.

    Can’t wait to get settled in my new home and check back to read about your experience.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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