An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

When anything bad happens, I blame Apple

It’s no surprise to anyone that Jon pre-ordered an iPad the moment it was announced that they would be available. Last week it arrived, and I haven’t seen him since.

I am not kidding.

You think I am exaggerating. I do that a lot, yes, I will admit to dabbling in that practice from time to time. This is not one of those instances. What would be one of those instances? Oh dear, let me take a look back at everything I’ve ever written: THAT.

So I’m picking Leta up from school the other day, and it was one of those days when it wasn’t snowing, one of those rare, gorgeous days when Utah teases me into thinking that the Mormons were onto something when they settled here, and I let her play with her friends on the playground as I talked to some other parents. Some who read this website and have asked Jon how his vasectomy is healing. Jon loves this life.

And in the back of my mind, all I can think about is HAVE TO GET HOME. HAVE TO GET HOME. Because I’m thinking, Mariah is going home right now and leaving Marlo in the care of Jon. And Jon has been permanently attached to his iPad since it arrived. And right about now Marlo is crawling over to the fireplace and is eating ash because he’s on the couch playing with the NPR application.


And I’m trying to concentrate on the conversations I’m having while keeping an eye on Leta, and my brain will not let me envision anything other than Marlo choking on ash.

Not because Jon is an incompetent father. He’s amazing. He does more with and for our kids than probably any other father I’ve ever known. No, it’s just that he’s a really competent geek.

Finally my brain won’t let me stand there any longer, and I yell to Leta that it’s time to go. She’s sulks and asks why, and I can’t help but blurt out BECAUSE DAD’S IPAD IS KILLING MARLO.

Turns out she was fine. Nothing to worry about. I run in expecting to see a horrifying, bloody scene only to find Jon sitting next to Marlo on the floor, a stuffed animal in her mouth, his right hand scrolling through the USA TODAY app on his iPad.

Lesson for today (this should be read in a sexist and condescending, albeit incredibly relieved tone): men can multitask, too!

  • Heavenisabookstore

    I actually think if I encourage my BF to buy the iPAD then I might actually have time for my blog. I feel it’s just a win-win situation.

  • cool dad

    I’m surprised there aren’t any jokes about multitasking (or the lack of, for now) on the iPad. Since I don’t want my first comment here to be a snarky geek joke, I’ll instead say: Go, Jon! Multitask with the best of ’em!

  • AJS721

    Awesome. I will now be stealing this line of reasoning from you.

    My husband has Apple as a client and is trying to justify buying an iPad as something we could use together and hey… it’s only $150 more than the Kindle! I get a discount! We can watch movies! In Bed! On a plane! wouldn’t it be amazing!
    We have two laptops, a HUGE TV and an iPhone (mine, paid for by my company). We clearly don’t need any more crap. However, the new 4GS is coming out soon (June? July?) so geek widows prepare yourself! I already have on my end.

  • winecat

    LOVE the way your mind functions!

  • kamsraptor

    Correction: YOUR man can multi-task ;). More than one of my nightmares has included impending doom regarding my children while left in the care of their all to often “distracted” father. Although, he does happen to be a good father also- when properly supervised.

  • jwoap

    I will be 100% honest and some might think of me as a bitch — First of all let me preface this by saying — I adore my spouse. I love him very much. However, when the weekend rolls around I too become agitated, and not liking it.


    Because my routine is going to be disrupted. There I said it. Maybe I should go post this on post secret or something:

    “I secretly wish my husband would work seven days a week because on the weekends he cramps my style.”

  • eighthrising

    Not crazy at all. I’m a single mother of two boys, and I often look forward to the work week to get away from the crazy a little – if even for just 8 hours.

  • shannymarie

    I am an Apple-lover and have converted my husband, but I must admit I’ve been on the “making fun of him” train with the iPad. Yes – It’s a cool looking new gadget that I’ll probably eventually own. BUT – right now, it looks like one of those giant remote controls for the elderly – a giant, senior version of the iPod. It only works on wi-fi, he didn’t wait for 3g to have at least some capability to use on the go. And similar to your husband, the kids are now neglected while he surfs around on the iPad. Of course, the babysitters think he’s cool because they get to use it when they are over. I’m not quite sold yet.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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