An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Spinning right wrong

Friday I had plans to spend about forty minutes on the elliptical trainer at the gym, something low impact and reasonable since I had really pushed it all week. But then an alien spaceship flew down from the sky, aimed a laser at my head and sucked my brain out through the top of my skull. Leaving me no option other than to join the spin class that had just started. The one being taught by General Patton.

How hard could this possibly be? It’s just a bike! I learned to ride one when I was seven. It had sparkly pink tassels hanging from the handle bars. I often rode it for minutes at a time!

Right. What? No, I hadn’t ever participated in a a spin class. Why would you ask?

My first clue that this might be a bad idea was when I noticed I was not dressed like everyone else in the room. I had on the wrong shoes. My pants did not have butt pads on the back side. Oh, and I was the only one whose legs resembled less a diagram of The Perfect Human Being and more a wet noodle.

Five minutes in and I wanted to die. Five minutes. And we hadn’t even started warming up yet. But if you haven’t yet noticed, I’m a bit of a stickler. I don’t like to start things and not finish them. Often, this is not a good personality trait. This is one of those instances.

Four sets of two minute sprints followed by another six sets of two minute sprints accompanied by a waterfall of sweat so magnificent in size that I almost drown. And then it kept going and going and going, and it stretched out into eternity. In fact, I am still on that bike.

Typing this is difficult with the sweat on my fingers.

An hour and twenty minutes later as we are all contorting our bodies to try and stretch the muscles that have caught fire, the teacher who happens to be my trainer starts laughing and shaking her head. She knows me and my personality and says to the class that she’s impressed that Heather back there made it all the way to the end, especially since she did the whole thing without butt pads! And I go, AHH KNOW! MY WEE WAW! If my groin continues to feel like it does now, NO SEX FOR ME THIS WEEKEND!




Oh dear, did I really just say that out loud? In Utah? Because two or three people almost fell off of their bikes. And not because they thought it was funny. Because the wave of AWKWARD shot through the room like a tsunami. I mean, the silence was so painful that I forgot about my groin for a few seconds. And my trainer in an attempt to Make Everything Okay goes HA HA HEATHER IS KIND OF “SPECIAL.”

And that is totally going to be my tagline for next month.

  • Mama Kat

    See I was *thinking* about attempting one of those classes but my…ahem…wee wah is sore just reading that.

    No thank you!

    Will you go back?

  • ginapd

    Heather, you are special in a good way! I left my one and only spin class thinking I should eat more cheesecake to get extra padding on my butt so I didn’t feel like crying when I got off the bike/satan’s roadster. Then I decided that even though I really liked cheesecake, that would kind of defeat the purpose of exercising. Also, Marlo is the cutest baby on the planet!

  • Eternally Distracted

    Exercise is EVIL!

  • mandi v

    I have just begun reading your blog. I am a conservative through and through, but am very much capable of separating my political views, from how I feel about you and your writing. I read the Hater comments, and personally find it disturbing. How can someone be so hurtful about you and your children? I believe this just shows their jealousy and ignorance. Haven’t they ever heard “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”? I think you and your children are adorable and your writing is hilarious! And no I’m not kissing your ass in hopes that I will be featured in you blog.

  • Just Jinny

    I had to come all the way back here to leave a comment for your photo of Marlo titled Hypnotize. And then I had to sign up for the Dooce community thingie. The things I go through to share my opinion with the world.


    This is what I have to say. I can’t believe you started that entry with “You guys”. I thought you were southern.


    PS..Marlow is adorable
    PSS..Why do I feel like I must give her things to put in her mouth?

  • Brea

    Hi Heather,

    It took a second read to realize that you had said the ‘sex’ part of your response out loud. I’ve embarrassed myself (and apparently others as well) with similar comments – and eventually had to convince myself to keep internal dialogues, you know, internal. It’s nice to hear that you are as outrageous in real life as you are in this forum. I love your writing, and once was even bold enough to send Leta some smelly princess markers. You are too cool for school in my book, Dooce.

    Even though I am late in responding, I had to weigh in on this one because I teach spinning two days a week. It is awesome to get paid to play my favorite music and to do a workout that I love and would do anyway.

    What I tell my ‘newbies’ is that if you can peddle a bicycle, then you can do spinning. I also tell them to ride at their own pace: each rider has their own fitness level, and if you feel like throwing up during class, then you are pushing too hard. I agree that one of the hardest things about the workout in the beginning is the saddle. It is rare that I see anyone wearing cycling shorts anymore – and because I have taken spinning classes for 15 years and taught for the last 5 years, I don’t have any issues with a sore wee waw. You get used to it.

    Many people like to use a gel seat during their ride, which can be helpful. However, and I know this sounds gross, my opinion is that the gel creates pressure and pushes up in places where gel really shouldn’t be. As you get stronger, it will be easier. One of the comments that a reader left is that as your legs learn to take more resistance, they also take the burden off your wee waw. I always tell my students to think about three points of contact: saddle, hands and feet. There should be a balance between the three, so you aren’t just plopped in the seat – the rider should be ‘active’.

    That said, unless it’s a specialty class for a purpose (fundraiser, day-after-thanksgiving-burnoff or the like), I have never heard of a class that runs 80 minutes. Most classes in Santa Barbara are 45-60 minutes in length, but this time also incorporates stretching. For a beginner, I wouldn’t advise trying to spin for that long. No wonder your wee waw was sore!

    I will end on this note, and this is why I love this exercise format so much: for low-impact exercise, it is an incredibly efficient use of my time. In 45 minutes, I get a great workout and reduce my stress. I’ll be anxious to read if you try it again. Right wrong!



Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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