Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

Becoming referee

So, let’s see. How many ways have I mentioned that Marlo is completely different from Leta? She eats, she moves, she likes to French kiss electrical outlets… oh BY THE WAY. Those little plastic protectors? The ones that are supposed to prevent your baby from electrocuting herself? GUESS WHAT? Turns out they are the exact width of a baby’s esophagus. I found this out when she dug one out with her little baby fingers and tossed it back like a shot of Patrón.

Now she’s showing aggression. Full on get out of my way, no matter what, I will destroy you determination. First it started as I was holding her on my right hip, talking with Jon as we made lunch, and she decided she wanted to eat my necklace. I pushed away her hands only to have her push away my hands, grab hold of it again with the grip of someone hanging on for life, and then laugh at me. I’ll admit it, I pulled a Leta and shouted IT’S NOT FUNNY.

This little game of pushing each other’s hands out of the way continued until she realized I was serious, and that’s when her pushing became shoving became BITCH I WILL CUT YOU. I dangerously hesitated for a moment to see if Jon was watching all this craziness, when suddenly she lurched like a vampire toward my neck and grabbed my necklace with her mouth. What the? Dude, this is not a baby! This is something you find trolling the sewers looking for prey!

We’ve now had to have serious discussions with Leta about how she’s not supposed to let Marlo grab her glasses. Glasses are delicate. Marlo is not. When she reaches for them, SWAT HER.

Not really. But kind of. Maybe a really firm tap. Right in the forehead.

Leta, however, is also really delicate, and this morning she ran into the room after Marlo finished her bottle and jumped on the bed right beside her. Instantly, Marlo reached up and jerked Leta’s glasses off of her face. All three of us go NUH UH UH simultaneously, and Leta gently removed them from Marlo’s fingers. Marlo sensed Leta’s weakness, something she most certainly learned while trolling, and grabbed them again, this time while grunting and pushing Leta away with her other hand. OK. FOUL. I don’t watch sports, but Leta would definitely get two free throws for that one.

(I had to google free throws to make sure it wasn’t three throws. This is what Tyra does to your brain.)

Let’s just say that Leta ended up with her glasses safely perched on her face, her arms crossed, pouting that Marlo has moved on from playing tickle games to tackle football. And Marlo lay on her back acting as if a current of electricity was running the entire length of her body, an ungodly noise hissing its way through her two bottom teeth. The only two teeth in her mouth.

God help Jon when all three of us sync up.

  • lakensmomma

    I am so releived that I am not the only mother who had their sweet angel STOLEN in the middle of the night and replaced with Rosemary’s Baby. Laken is 15 months old and I was a bit late having children so all of my friends have children who are in their late teens or early twenties. I was just sure that I was raising the next Hanible Lector. Thank you for making me realize that it isn’t totally abnormal for them at this age to be demonic. At least they are cute! Being an monster AND ugly would suck!

  • BOSSY

    It’s *not* Three Throws? Oh gah, Bossy’s never going to get that NBA ref job *now*.

  • NaturalAsPossibleMom

    I have to comment: My big girl is the type of kid who always listened, always did the right thing. I never really worried about her getting hurt or in trouble. The little one is a lunatic. Her pet name is Crazy. She’s crazy-strong, crazy-willful and crazy-funny.

    I’m about a year ahead of you. Big girl will be 7 in October; little girl will be 2 next month. Just wait! You think your little one is feisty now? It only gets nuttier!

    –KB