This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Featured community question wherein I am not the valedictorian

Today’s featured question comes from user Onemoremomblog:

Yes. Always. Wait… that’s not true. Let me explain before you throw a flaming, unscooped turd at my head.

I’ve got jackets with pockets full of poop bags, because whenever I take the dogs for a walk I want to make sure I’m prepared. In fact, I’m even pretty diligent when I take them to an off-leash park, as long as Chuck doesn’t wander off onto some hidden cliff in the forest with a copy of The New York Times.

If that last part doesn’t make sense to you, then consider yourself lucky that your husband doesn’t routinely walk into the bathroom with his iPad only to return four hours later, the blood pooled in his ankles.

During those four hours I could be tending chickens.

Just saying.

It’s just the dog poop in the backyard during the winter… fine. I’m going to admit this. We don’t ever go back there. Because the whole yard is usually covered in snow from October until May, and there’s no point. It’s an unusable space for eight months of the year and serves only as a toilet for the dogs during that time. We consider it That Magical Wintery Place Where Brown Popsicles Grow!

Come the end of May and we fill several garbage bags worth of our laziness.

In answering this question I had to go ask Tyrant if he’s cleaning up after the dogs, because he’s been taking them on their walks lately. He said he loves to take walks and wanted this added to his schedule. Armstrong and I were a bit hesitant given Coco’s irrational and erratic disposition, but I figured, come on. He’s a Tyrant. He’s a Tyrantosaurus. He tyrates. His title alone says he can handle this.

And then the first time he returned home after a walk he threw open the door and was all THAT IS ONE CRAZY BITCH!

You have no idea how many times Armstrong and I have repeated that exact line in his terrified voice to each other.

We shared with him a few techniques, and now his walks are much less dramatic, except… you guys. Tyrant is a rule follower. And this is not a bad thing, to some degree. I am a rule follower, too. I mean, I pick up after my dogs. I pay my taxes. I buckle my seat belt and disguise cuss words in front of my father. This is when conversational French comes in handy, you kids in college!

But, every once in a while. No, that’s a lie. In fact, it’s very frequently. A lot. Many times I have taken my dogs to a place where they are not supposed to be off leash and have let them run off leash. Never near a busy street or a school full of young children, no. Usually in large fields backed by the mountains. Or on the golf course when it is covered in snow. This is horrible, isn’t it? I shouldn’t be allowed to take the sacrament on Sunday, I KNOW. Jesus would have always walked his dogs on leash, HEATHER.

So there’s this giant open park near our house that is a perfect place to let the dogs run off leash. But. There are signs at every entrance that say DOGS MUST REMAIN ON LEASH AT ALL TIMES. Oh, signs. You don’t know how to party, do you? Loosen your tie a bit, SIGN. Here, have some tequila, SIGN. I’ll pay for you to get laid, SIGN.

And Tyrant is very aware of these signs. Obeys every one of them. Never lets the dogs off leash. And then when he passes other people who are walking their dogs off leash, Coco goes, well. Coco. She cocos. That’s a verb now. Cocoing. Is your wife yelling at you because you didn’t put the orange juice back on the right shelf in the refrigerator? She’s cocoing. An unsolicited foot rub will cure this, I promise.

Tyrant got so fed up with other people breaking this rule, in fact, that one day he came back after a walk and slapped down a piece of paper on my desk.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “I made sure that no one saw me stapling these to the fence at the entrance of the park.”

“I think this should work, don’t you?” he continued.

My favorite part is not even the menacing clipart Pitbull he found who knows where, but the part in parentheses. As if the whole flyer doesn’t communicate that EXACT THING.

  • fireflies

    I get where this is supposed to be funny but me and my bully will just go stand over here and be sad that once again pit bull stereotypes are being spread, leaving many with the misrepresentation that they are evil, violent dogs. If people would do a little research on the breed instead of just listening to the news, which by the way often calls a dog a pit bull whether it is or not, they would find the stereotype to be false.

  • fireflies

    I get where this is supposed to be funny but me and my bully will just go stand over here and be sad that once again pit bull stereotypes are being spread, leaving many with the misrepresentation that they are evil, violent dogs. If people would do a little research on the breed instead of just listening to the news, which by the way often calls a dog a pit bull whether it is or not, they would find the stereotype to be false.

  • apostate

    It’s hard not to listen to the news when there are so many reports of attacks and pets killed by pits and rots. Each time, the owner shaking their head confusedly and saying: “I just don’t understand it. Fluffy has always been such a sweet poopsie woopsie.”

    Meanwhile, all the other owners get angry and hold hands and sing “We shall overcome”.

    Oh, the persecution! The humanity!

    Seriously, I get that some people feel it’s important to rescue dogs. But when is somebody going to rescue me from their owners?

    http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://pit-bull-awareness-center.christianfunfair.org/5-year-old-attack.gif&imgrefurl=http://pit-bulls.christianfunfair.org/attacks.htm&usg=__2EMMmd2zG2t8ILs6jF0wWJyl0x0=&h=448&w=294&sz=33&hl=en&start=23&itbs=1&tbnid=xQGM3RrQ2F-KUM:&tbnh=127&tbnw=83&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dpitbull%2Battack%26start%3D20%26hl%3Den%26safe%3Doff%26sa%3DN%26gbv%3D2%26ndsp%3D20%26tbs%3Disch:1

  • marissam7

    I just made my own version of this sign for my apartment building. I own a pit bull/lab mix and have never met a more lovable dog. I don’t got to off leash dog parks, but it doesn’t make sense to my why people think that EVERYWHERE is an off leash dog park. Put your animals on a leash!

  • Ronklyn

    Agreed that it’s the dumb owners that basically are the root of the problem.

    We need to stop putting Human Emotions into our dogs, and start treating them like dogs. This would greatly curb any sort of dog bite headlines that get so much attention from the media.

    I do also have to say, that Pit Bulls get so much media attention because they are the “aggressive dog of the moment”. To their disadvantage they are a hugely popular breed with people wanting a “bad looking dog” as a status symbol, and do you think they are responsible pet owners? probably not.

    Yes there are bad Pit Bulls, but there are good ones too. Spreading the horrific images and other Pit Bull stereotypes or supporting a Breed Ban because YOU had a bad experience or are prejudiced is exactly like if you got mugged by a black man, and then went around saying all black people are criminals… Wouldn’t go over too well, would it? (oh yes, I just went there)

    That being said, I do believe that ANY dog that is human aggressive should be put down. Whether that’s a Chihuahua, Great Dane, or a Pit Bull. Keeping a human aggressive dog around is just an accident waiting to happen because even though your dog may love the shit out of you, you cannot guarantee that you will always be there or that you will not make a mistake and let something happen.