An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Danger ahead

We have a giant range in the kitchen that we inherited from the previous owner whose controls are situated such that all Marlo would have to do is wiggle this one over here, and that one over there, and suddenly globe manufacturers are scrambling to remove Utah from their next installments.

Does that frighten you? To have your safety in the hands of a sixteen-month-old who likes to put the dog’s tail in her mouth? Because I find it kind of exhilarating. In an adolescent boy jumping off the top of the house into a shallow pool kind of way. Listen, I’m thirty-five years old. I have a mortgage to pay, kids whose college I have to save for. I’m not allowed to jump off the house into anything.

A dangerous toddler will do, is what I’m saying.

And danger is exactly what she is seeking out now, every waking moment of her life. When she walks by that range she automatically starts going NO NO NO NO in a sarcastic tone because we’re constantly repeating that when she heads for those controls. She is making fun of us. Like she’s a grown woman visiting her mother’s house and going, “Hey, Mom. When you wake up and see that giant ceramic rooster staring at you, do you run to the bathroom or just shit your pants in bed?”

I’m just using that as an example.

Because she may pass by those controls right then, but once you take that moment to sigh she’s in the pantry sticking her head in the dog’s water bowl. And then while you’re cleaning up the water that has spilled into a giant three-foot-wide puddle, she’s run into the living room, climbed on top of the sofa and is waiting for you to see her before she tries to back flip onto the coffee table. Oh, and she has your cell phone clutched between her teeth.

This is the Universe laughing and shaking its head at me because I once innocently wondered out loud, “Do you think the second one will be different from the first?”

  • SweetAdeline

    Get that hillbilly baby a banjo and a 4 wheeler and you’ve got yourself a YouTube STAR!

  • connieemeraldeyes

    You should take the knobs off the stove, just put them on when you use the stove. She could turn it and the gas would leak and then you could have it blow up. Also a head up on keeping knives on the counter or in a drawer, put them in a container and put them on top of the fridge or a high cabinet. I had mine on a magnet on the wall. My son, when he was about 2, pushed a chair over to the counter, got up and got the biggest knife and then held it while getting back on the chair to get down. My husband noticed and ran over and got the knife. I am so glad he didn’t fall with that in his hand. I put them way up high after that. You never think that they will do that.

  • bardellisgirl

    It’s great to know I am not alone.



  • Indiana Lori

    2nd different from the first? They always are. God has a crazy sense of humor.

  • Superkitty

    I could take every single sentence in that post and apply it to our two kids. My oldest is almost 7 now, and has always been a thinker, detail oriented and anally retentive (though not constipated, thank God). My son is 16 months and I swear, that kid is part billy goat (he’ll try to eat anything), and I swear he has a death wish. If there is danger around, that kid will go running for it, arms outstretched and with a manic grin on his face.

    Of course, we made the classic mistake of thinking the second kid couldn’t be too different from his sister, but it’s really hard to think of any way that they’re even a little similar. I keep telling myself it’s a good mix, though, and life will be a lot less scary in a few years.

    I’m not even shitting you, the Captcha phrase is “have Ritalin”. Seriously.


    A force to be reckoned with, that one, yes.

  • noL

    Wow! she looks like Leta in the first two shots…so cute. My 1st and only is a few months behind Leta, sending you extra caffeine vibes to keep up with your second.

  • They made me choose a username

    In my heart I know you don’t really have time to follow links, but since I have a daughter a few weeks older than Marlo who sometimes reminds me of her a lot (like the other day when she climbed on the counter and sat in the butter) and since I just barely put up a “No no no no” post about my daughter, I can’t help giving the link.

  • tallnoe

    But… but… but… THE DIMPLES!

    I remember this from somewhere – and I have NO clue where it’s from: Danger? I LAUGH in the face of danger. HAHAHAHAHAAH.


  • nalawriting

    When I see Marlo’s tooth, it reminds me when my daughter was around 5. She wonked her head on something (still happens, and she’s 15!), and while it didn’t chip her front tooth, the tooth turned brown. The dentist said the tooth was dead, and that he could pull it out or I could let it fall out naturally, which would happen probably within a year. Since I have an unreasonable fear of dentists which extends quite far beyond my own mouth, I left the tooth alone.

    Turns out…a dead tooth becomes a ROTTING tooth! When it hadn’t fallen out two dentist visits later, the dentist took a look and said “Yeah, that tooth’s rotting. I’m going to pull it out.” Before anyone could do anything heroic, like rush him in slow motion to knock the horrific dental tool-thingy out of his hand, he’d plucked the tooth out. No fuss, no muss, everyone happy. He showed it to me and MAN did that thing smell bad! The rotted part on the back had been covered by her gum…ewwww! Look at me, Worst Mom Ever.

    On a positive note, she always remembered “stinky tooth” and brushes 2x a day without being told.

  • Blahggy

    This is why my husband and I are reluctant to have a second. We’re only 5 months into the first and she’s practically perfect, so my husband is convinced the second will be awful in every conceivable way – starting with the pregnancy. Good to know he’s at least optimistic.

  • sreh118

    I have a 6 year old son and a 14 month old daughter. My children’s personalities are so similiar to yours. My oldest is like Leta, and my youngest is like Marlo. I so enjoy reading your blog and saying I can soooo relate. Its almost scary really. 🙂

  • imaynotremember

    Oh that face is so adorable!! And that killer dimple in her left cheek! *SQUEEZE*! Who’d get tired of chasing that little kid around all day? She’s an adorable kid. 🙂

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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