An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Halloween 2010

Thank god it’s ove— oh, hey! Didn’t see you! How was your worst holiday of the year Halloween? Have you shot your kids yet? If not, I’m available for hire! That could be the REAL job I’m always needing to get.

UUUUUGHHH. It’s not even the chocolate-feuled, irrational outbursts I dislike so much, although aren’t those fun? You think you’ll remember next year that if you let them have that much candy in one sitting that the vomit will stain the carpet, but you never do.

I don’t even think I can articulate what I don’t like about it, maybe that it signals the long march through winter? Because it always seems to snow in Utah on Halloween, just as it did on Saturday night. What? That wasn’t Halloween? What are you, non Mormon? Trick-or-treating on Sunday is verboten. Leads straight to premarital sex just like Facebook and that one Led Zeppelin song played backwards.

Also, Mormons now do this thing called trunk-or-treating where they meet in the parking lot at church and go from car to car. I guess because it’s safer? Except then you have to teach your kids that you can’t just take candy from the trunk of any car, even if the person driving it does go by the name Elder Jensen and there’s a Prop 8 sticker on his bumper.

Forgive me. It’s just that time of year.

Anyway, what this means for a lot of people living in Utah is that we never know how many kids are going to show up to our house for candy. Some years it seems like hundreds, and then the very next year we’ll get one young couple with their newborn. So we can’t plan ahead. Maybe this is where collecting shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels could come in handy. Sorry! We don’t have any Snickers bars, but this shit here will make your head smell like a peony!

So! To the real fun. You guys. I bought a wig and a fake dagger and had an entire Baby Rambo costume planned out for Marlo. But she refused to keep the wig on. In fact, she tried to bite me when I attempted to hold it firmly against her skull. No problem, I’ll just deduct the price of the wig from her weekly meal budget. Unrelated: Jon, don’t feed Marlo on Thursday.

We went with a hand-me-down instead.

And when we put it on her she immediately started making chimpanzee noises and would not stand still. Leta, seen here in her Mariposa Fairy costume, tried to correct her over the deafening noise. “It’s ribbit-ribbit, Marlo. Ribbit-ribbit.” Right. Leta, I have a black wig I’d like you to try and put on her head. You’re up to date on your tetanus shot, right?

We could not get a good shot of them together.

But you don’t really care about those two, do you? I didn’t think so!

  • tlg

    You’ve been living in Utah too long 🙂 Trunk or treat is 100% non denominational. Just about every church here in southern CA had their own trunk or treat and not on Sunday because having a party on the sabbath is not keeping the sabbath day holy. Even the malls do their own form of it and Disneyland had one every night the week before Halloween. Here’s an article from a few years ago in the New York Times. It was interesting and fun to read.
    But since you’re a halloween hater you probably don’t even care! haha
    Sweet costumes on the kids and the dogs! I vote that you and Jon dress up next year…dressing up is so fun!

  • MissMissy

    Coco looks EXACTLY like my dog does when I put a costume on him — nervous, embarrassed, unsure as to whether it’s safer to move or just sit still. I can’t help laughing at the pleading look in Coco’s eyes!

  • kturney

    Hilarious. What’s a little broken skin when Marlo looks so happy?!


    Bossy hates Halloween SO MUCH that year after year she forgets she got a Great Dane solely for the costume potential.

  • missusclark

    Coco looks completely humiliated!

    I have never heard of “truck-or-treat”. Methodists don’t get their knickers in a bunch over a Sunday Halloween. From a practical point of view, any school-night Halloween has it’s consequences. My twin’s kindergarten teacher had a rough go on Monday…

  • Gardenfreak89

    Gaga – alejandro.. rahh ah ah … you are a genius I tell ya… HILARIOUS… LOVED it!! Coco was adorable in the sheep’s outfit…

    your kids are always the cutest… that’s a given.. leta is getting so big..

  • emilylentini

    Oh my god. I am giving birth to one of these in 6 weeks…
    How fun!

  • kelseywithak

    The first picture of Marlo looks a lot like baby Leta!

  • barbara

    OMG, Chuck’s costume is hysterical!!!

    Apparently they change the trick or treating day in West Virgina too. My friend is from there and she was all confused as to why it was on Sunday this year. I had no idea why she was so confused. Makes sense now.

  • adamsrice

    I heard Border Collies where sheep dogs, but I didn’t think they would take the stereotype so literally.

  • juliejackson

    OH MY GOD, Heather, I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life! Those dogs steal the show for sure!


    Best post EVER.

  • Ashlae

    SWEET BABY JESUS!!!!!!!!!!! Leta looks just as I did as a kid. I am slightly weirded out.

  • Caro

    Heather, you rule.

  • doublebuttons

    I don’t know of any neighborhoods near me that trunk-or-treat, but my son’s daycare does on the day they do their halloween party/parade. It makes sense for them. I couldn’t imagine doing it otherwise.

    I always manage to take away all the candy after a day or two, usually because I am sick of the sugar highs. Then I forget about it. I just found last year’s bag in the bottom of my closet.

    Love, love, love Chuck’s costume.

  • tallnoe

    I wondered how you got Coco to sit still in that costume. Did you glue her feet there?

    Oh, and the kids are super cute. I love Leta’s grrrr motion. Or is it rarrrr?

  • atlasmeow

    OMG, your kids look adorable, but Chuck and Coco are HYS. TERICAL. Awesome. What more can I say??

  • TexasKatie

    This post just made me smile BIG TIME. What a great post!!

  • kirstanator

    ahhhhh … LOL … I was giggling at the stories related to the girls’ costumes and then got to the dogs and almost started crying. LOVE.IT!!!!

    Your girls are truly beautiful and I love when you post pictures of them.

    Thanks for making me feel human and normal.

  • Idiot Parade

    Aw, quite a few trunk-or-treat haters! We do it out here too, in the CA high desert. Houses are spread really far apart, without many street lamps, and there are very few sidewalks. The kids love going from truck to truck–some of the bigger ones have haunted houses in the truck beds!

    The girls are adorable, as are the dogs. Leta’s monster face is my favorite 🙂

  • writtendad

    Yes, Baby Rambo would have been fantastic, but she makes a damn cute frog. Plus, she had a worm, now she’s a frog. It’s like she’s moving up the ladder of evolution. And the last picture of her and Leta (and Jon on the side attempting to direct frogzilla) is great. Halloween disorder at it’s finest.

  • Rich

    Thank the Lord Jesus someone finally explained what the hell Trunk-or-treat was. All those FB status messages finally make sense now. I could not figure it out. Anyway, what the hell is the point of it? Mormons have to do something else that sets them further apart from the normal to stand out?
    BTW, Marlo is a doll, how can you not just want to hug her all the time?

  • amydronen

    I have this problem where I read your blog while I’m at work and I know that something is going to make me laugh at a time I shouldn’t be laughing…this time it was ‘Alejandro’ of course.
    We also had a fairy in our house for Halloween, but it was a hand-me-down costume that looks incredibly similar to Leta’s but the brand was Barbie. I ripped every visible Barbie tag and emblem off the sucker before we got out the door so I wouldn’t accidentally throw up on my own child.
    Happy Halloween!

  • uvula_envy

    I’ve followed your blog for awhile, but I’ve never posted. Wait, I did once when I could have won a playstation or something.

    Anyway, I just wanted to share with you an awesome “mommyblogger” post about Halloween.

  • dosvegans

    I wanna take a ride on your disco stick!

    Does Marlo still have ringworm??!! I got it a few years back from a stray cat I found in a parking lot. My Dr. told me to use Lotromin, its the anti-fungal creme for athlete’s foot and it cleared up in a couple weeks. Seems like she’s had it for a long time…

  • thejunebug

    Seeing Leta’s costume (complete with long pants and long sleeved shirt) cracks me up. I still remember those Utah Halloweens as a kid when my costume was nothing more than a pattern printed on a plastic garbage bag (and a mask!), sold in a set at Harmon’s, because it had to fit over my snowsuit & boots.

  • VickyNguyen

    AAAAAHHHHHH. So late to the party but this was SUPER adorable. Coco’s costume is perfection. Horns. And Alejandro. Visual chocolate.

  • carolinebodkin

    My co-worker totally did not believe me when I told him that the Mormons move Halloween when it falls on a Sunday. I always thought it was odd that Halloween was so big in Utah (at least when I was growing up there) since it’s kind of a pagan holiday, no? Maybe because the haunted houses are the best option for groping on group dates. Thank you for writing this blog so I could prove that my non-Mormon childhood was not just a dream!

  • devilss

    The dog is bette then GaGa))this story is for the whole

    essay company

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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