This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

The lowest of lows

Every day as a company we sit down to have lunch together: me, Jon, Tyrant, and my cousin McKenzie who took over my niece Mariah’s job of watching Marlo when Mariah started school back in August. Why have I not mentioned McKenzie until now? I’m just this second trying to think of a really good reason, and I can’t think of one. Let’s just pretend that she’s horribly disfigured, and I couldn’t bring myself to talk about her because I was scared people would find out about the sixteen toes on her right foot.

She wears special shoes. We taught Leta not to stare or ask questions. She often trips while holding the baby.

Anyway, Tryant is a vegetarian — sometimes self-righteous, sometimes not self-righteous at all, depending on his mood and how badly he wants to make me feel like a monster — and despite this he cooks a few breasts of chicken every day to put in our salads. He does this for us because one, he is awesome, and two, he knows the business is more likely to have money to pay him if we work instead of using that time to cook chicken. Also, it’s one more way he can screw with me, as if my mere existence were not enough.

One day last week after he had texted me that lunch was ready, I ran downstairs and into the kitchen only to feel a certain vibe. A wicked vibe. A sneaky vibe. And then Tyrant picked up a specific plate of salad, set it in front of me, and blurted, “THIS ONE IS YOURS.” Except the look in his eyes said, “DIE YOU WRETCHED WHORE!

Maybe not that emphatic. Maybe it was more like, “I hope it’s a slow, painful descent into Hell for you, you who choose to give it up to so many so easily.”

I stopped, took a careful look around me, eyed McKenzie for a second, then asked, “What is going on? Something doesn’t feel right.” McKenzie shrugged, but she is very loyal to whoever was the first person in the room, so I knew I couldn’t get any answers out of her. Plus, those sixteen toes take a lot of blood from her brain. UNRELIABLE.

I cautiously proceeded with my lunch, looking over it carefully to make sure he hadn’t slipped in a wad of Coco’s hair or maybe a vial of his own blood, and then all of us settled into our meal. And the salad was delicious, the conversation as jovial as it usually is, right up until Tyrant saw me finish my last bite. That’s when he jumped up, ran over to the island, and pulled a black box out of a drawer.

“Glad I found this thing out in the freezer!” he said waving it around. “I thought it was the perfect addition to your salad, don’t you think?”

OH to the EM to the GEE OH DEE.

Let’s rewind a year, shall we?

In November 2009 my betta fish Lou died. It was sudden and unexpected, but he had lived longer than any other fish I’d ever owned. I chronicled his existence a few times on this website, how he had come into our lives, and a few photos here and here and there, so I decided I wanted to honor his death in some sacred way. So I basically built him a coffin out of a black box, wrapped him delicately in a vintage handkerchief, and then lined the outside of the box with a makeshift paper tombstone:

I had planned to bury him the next day in our backyard and write about his death, except there were a few feet of snow on the ground. Digging a sufficient hole in the ground was almost impossible. So I put his handmade tomb into the freezer in the garage. Note: your author did not flush him down the toilet like a normal person because your author is one, sentimental, and two, you guys, I kept him alive for almost three years! His sacred funeral was as much in honor of his death as it was a celebration of my success! I NEVER ONCE TRIED TO BOIL HIM!

Except! That snow didn’t melt until the end of May, and by that time I had loooooooonng forgotten about the handmade tomb in the freezer. In fact, that handmade tomb somehow survived the move to our new house. I didn’t realize this until a couple of weeks ago when I discovered it underneath a package of frozen peas, and I was all:

SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUP.

Yes, of course, I inspected it. Of course, I peeled back the handkerchief to see what state he was in, the curiosity was as unbearable as Christmas. And not surprisingly he looked exactly the same as when I had laid his plump, wet body there twelve months ago, except, you know, frozen.

Is this shit sacred, or what?

Fast forward to last week when Tyrant intimated that he had slipped Lou, my dead pet, into my salad. To the part where he dusted his hands, threw back his head in laughter, and cackled, “You ate him! Wasn’t he good?”

That’s when the room started to spin in slow motion, when half of the salad tried to claw its way up and out of my stomach. This was a new low. The lowest of lows: you do not feed someone her dead pet, especially if that someone is gullible enough to believe that you are evil enough to do such a thing. Especially if you are then going to hysterically laugh and then point at the person who thinks she has just eaten her dead pet.

Sixteen-toed McKenzie finally let me off the hook and said that Lou was still in the freezer wrapped in that vintage handkerchief, but by then I could taste dead pet fish in my mouth, and Tyrant was on the floor hyperventilating on his victory.

Too bad I’m in charge of the Christmas bonus, BITCHES.

  • mkdsmall

    I love Tyrant more every day. And by the way you look FABULOUS in Better Homes and Garden;s this month! Stunning in fact! The only way that spread could look better is if Coco and Tyrant were in it! LOL seriously nice work Mrs. Armstrong!

  • NHMaman

    My favorite author on the subject of eating a dead pet (if one can have such a thing!?!) is Milan Kundera. In his novel Immortality, he writes, “For her there existed no more perfect fulfillment of love than eating the beloved.”

    OK, on second thought, maybe it’s a little too Jeffrey Dahmer-like.

    Anyway, it also involves vomiting dead pet and comparing the merging of bodies to the sexual act.

    In case you’re interested, here’s the link from Google books:
    http://books.google.com/books?id=5fEOD1rUMmcC&pg=PA100&lpg=PA100&dq=kundera+pet+rabbit+immortality&source=bl&ots=I7VV8lBYrx&sig=m-NW16keykYrnTXhYmjZEbG3Zvg&hl=en&ei=4jXnTI2fN8Gs8Abl0KmBDQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CBMQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false

    Consider me your source on things truly bizarre and literary!

  • aseemlylife

    I have never loved a fish. But if someone (tyrant) did that to me i think I would walk to my desk and draw a final check. That was just mean.

  • jocelyn21401

    Tyrant earns every penny of his salary fairly. If only because this is perhaps one of the funniest things I have read in a long time. I have a horrible hacking chest cold, and my insides literally hurt from coughing, but the pain from the laughter was righteous.

  • writtendad

    And you believed it? Really? That’s awesome! I have to side with Tyrant on this one. Well done.

  • marymcginty

    thats good stuff….hilarious. I can’t log because I don’t know my password, so I have to log in for 1 day…help?

    mary@angell.tv

  • york granny

    too funny !!!!!!
    I ‘ll bet you wanted to kick his butt .
    payback !!!!!!!!

  • jessica kesti

    when my husband was a wee one, his parents had a hobby farm. well, his pet rabbit ended up in some stew one night. poor kid, as the bowl of stew was set in front of him his eyes glazed over and in a sad, monotone voice said, “there goes floppy. hop. hop. hop.”

    CRUEL.

  • Schnauzie_Mom

    I was waiting for the part where you were all, AND THEN I STARTED HALLUCINATING!

    Because we once bet a guy $1 to eat a beta fish and he did it! And then hallucinated for the next 2 hours.

    Love it:)

  • jlhjla

    That’s SO NOT FUNNY! That’s just MEAN! No, wait, back up a minute…ok, it’s pretty freakin’ hilarious ~ but in a slightly mean, sadistic way. But more towards the hilarious side.

  • AshesVonDust

    Eep. Sorry, Tyrant, but you definitely knocked some sexy points off with that one. Too cruel.

    Also? I freakin’ love Lou’s coffin. Adorable! You should sell those on Etsy. If I had a fish and it died, I would hope to give it a fancy burial like that. Also, if you made it with seed paper, that would be amazing! 😀

  • heykathyrae

    Is he related to WANDA BARZEE??? You know she cooked her kids’ rabbit and feed it to them. (Saw it on Oprah so it’s true!)

  • CrabMama

    I am sitting here trying to think of methods of revenge. I am so in sympathy with you, Heather. You really need to cook a little bit though…

    I am very nearsighted and I once ate a huge grilled portobello mushroom off a buffet, thinking it was some sort of weird beef patty.

    Ooooo….. I got it! make some sort of soup and use beef broth or chicken broth, but tell him you used vegetable broth. Not sexy, but he will be grossed out, I bet.

    Will he eat fish? Make tuna salad but use white meat chicken and rinse it off really well, and tell him it’s tuna. My mother used that on dad when they first married because all she could cook were tuna salad and fudge, and that got old quick in the 1950’s before convenience foods…

    Other ideas:
    – Ex-lax brownies?
    – cheesecake containing pureed chicken livers?!
    – grilled cheese with lots of cheese and HAM in the middle?!

    I’ll keep brainstorming more means of getting back at him… Remember, you will have to wait some time for this to work.

  • CrabMama

    I am sitting here trying to think of methods of revenge. I am so in sympathy with you, Heather. You really need to cook a little bit though…

    I am very nearsighted and I once ate a huge grilled portobello mushroom off a buffet, thinking it was some sort of weird beef patty.

    Ooooo….. I got it! make some sort of soup and use beef broth or chicken broth, but tell him you used vegetable broth. Not sexy, but he will be grossed out, I bet.

    Will he eat fish? Make tuna salad but use white meat chicken and rinse it off really well, and tell him it’s tuna. My mother used that on dad when they first married because all she could cook were tuna salad and fudge, and that got old quick in the 1950’s before convenience foods…

    Other ideas:
    – Ex-lax brownies?
    – cheesecake containing pureed chicken livers?!
    – grilled cheese with lots of cheese and HAM in the middle?!

    I’ll keep brainstorming more means of getting back at him… Remember, you will have to wait some time for this to work.

  • cory212

    I couldn’t really get past the part where you said Tyrant prepares your lunch for you each day. Wish I had a Tyrant.

  • momof8

    Wow, does he believe in Karma?

  • bambooska

    Tell Tyler he didn’t trick just you.

    I have coffee sliding down my laptop screen at this very moment.

    Yay.

  • bambooska

    @#$%#(%!!

  • napangel

    What a perfectly lovely coffin. You are a good pet owner.

  • missusclark

    I can’t believe you fell for that, Heather. I think this incident speaks more to your nature than Tyrant’s. I mean, c’mon! We knew he was evil….

  • hackmanrj

    Not sure if you watch South Park, but this totally reminded me of the “I made you eat your parents” episode, which also made me laugh. Not sure what that says about me.

  • nitebyrd

    Tyrant needs help. Seriously.

  • lcv

    omg, that is truly evil…Tyrant is le scary.

  • amyptucson

    Oh. Em. Gee. This man must not be allowed to be in charge of your lunch, your freezer, your extended family members, or anything else of value to you.

    Especially funerals.

  • Camels and Chocolate

    This is quite possibly one of your best stories–which is saying volumes. Also, is Tyrant single?? 😉

  • subjectivitis

    Dude! What a fuck face! He should really wait ’til after XMas bonus time to fuck around like that.

  • MelissaJ

    so wrong…i’d kick his ass…after i laughed mine off…freakin’ CLASSIC!

  • LuckyMama

    So now for Tyrant’s bonus he shall receive a note stating that you have gave it to “Save The Beta Fish” campaign in his honor…..bitches! Love it Heather!

  • cjtato

    That is truly wicked! Just goes to show, you should have flushed him. The fish, not Tyrant, although now I think about it …

  • itsMeemo

    I had a dead Guinea pig in my garage freezer for a year. So glad that I’m not the only one keeping dead pets in the freezer. It feels good to admit that, regardless of the creep factor.

  • Truthful Mommy

    I am liking this Tyrant less and less. THat was an awful joke to pull on someone!Shame on Tyrant!

  • mojo

    HAHA that’s funny.. and gross.. and MEAN!

  • Kristen from MA

    Wow, that’s a mean prank. I don’t like pranks in general, and one involving a dead pet? Double mean!

    That said, I wouldn’t be able to stay mad at Tyrant for too long – he’s just too beautiful. And he’s veggie!!!! But get him back, Heather! Get him back good!

    (Condolences on your loss, and RIP, Lou.)

  • Bryony Boxer

    Wow! This IS the lowest of lows.

    I had no idea you were so sentimental!

  • pambamboo

    That is just plain mean and not funny – even if your (hysterically and graphically written) reaction was only half true!

  • devilss

    This story worth the whole essay company

  • RealFitMama

    I must say that I have not laughed my ass off this much in FOREVER!!! I read your blog all the time, but have never commented until now.

    As a vegetarian who is sometimes self-righteous and sometimes not I totally got pleasure from this story and it’s outcome.

    Not that I would EVER laugh at the misfortune of another human being…EVER!!!

  • AlyCat

    I heart Tyrant.

    You should have a side business of making pet coffins. That is a seriously beautiful box. Seriously.

  • ClarissaD

    OMG this is the funniest story I’ve ever read!