An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

I’d totally be a groupie

Last night we had snacks and drinks with some close friends and inevitably the men all ended up on the couch talking about nerd-related topics while the women corralled the kids and discussed More Important Things: childcare, work, what was Natalie Portman going to wear to the Golden globes?

My friend has struggled with the decision to increase the hours her son is in daycare, and the dilemma is made all the more unsettling because nosy people keep asking, “So when are you going back to work?” Lemme just go ahead and fist pump all the stay-at-home parents out there who want to yell OH HELL, NO.

Have you ever been a stay-at-home parent? Do you have any idea the amount of rigorous work and emotion it requires? The tireless hours of performing tasks that will never earn you a raise or a gold star or even be acknowledged by another human being? Cause Imma let you shut your mouth if you haven’t.

Anyway, my friend was like, no, I’m not going back to work anytime soon. In fact, I’m going to sit on my butt and listen to the quiet.

And I was like, The Quiet? Who is this band, and why have I not heard of them?

Someone has got to make this happen. Someone has got to put a band together that just stands still on stage, their guitars hanging languidly around their necks, the keyboard and drum set untouched. And in order to buy a ticket you have to be a parent. And you can’t bring your kids. And you just sit there in the theater with all these other parents basking in the exhilarating silence of it all.


“What’d you do last night?”

“My husband and I went downtown to see The Quiet.”

“Oh yeah? I’ve heard they’re pretty good live.”

“You’ve no idea. The track I downloaded from iTunes doesn’t do them justice.”


I told Jon about this idea on the way home, and skeptically he asked, “You can’t even talk while you’re sitting there?”

Um, no, I explained. In fact, if you say one word the security guards will come yank you out of your seat, drag you to an airtight room filled with screaming toddlers covered in peanut butter who have been ordered to try and climb into your lap.

And you have to sit there for as many minutes as you are old.

  • ginarae

    My little guy is 4years old and he has started to notice the “quiet”. If for some godforsaken reason the house is quiet (no tv, radio, talking, screaming,etc). he says, ‘Oh, it’s so quiet”. Like it’s a bad thing. I say, “that’s my favorite sound”. We have been having this same conversation every other day now for about 2 weeks, and then here is Dooce talking about my favorite sound. This is why I read your blog because somehow you read my mind. thanks. It is so comforting to know I’m not alone.

  • monben

    Wait, wait, wait, so your friend doesn’t have a job but sends her son to daycare for a few hours a week? I think your friend is the SMARTEST PERSON ALIVE!

  • Sassafras Mama

    After years of working out on a home elliptical so that I could look after my son, that elliptical finally broke and I joined a gym. That workout time at home kept me tethered to the brink of sanity but something about running while opening snacks, breaking to wipe a backside, or find the missing orange crayon, or a zillion other tasks…just did not spell relaxing workout.

    Now, no matter how exhausted I am; no matter how much I don’t want to run, I haul my booty to the gym so that I can just enjoy the quiet.

  • sherylwx4

    I’d buy the theater out just so I could be there by myself, lol.

  • Her Bad Mother

    I worship The Quiet. I throw my panties at The Quiet. I raise my iPhone aloft and wave it above my head, lighter app ablaze, and mouth the words of NOTHINGNESS as I sway into the stillness. The Quiet, man. THE QUIET ROCKS.

  • girlplease

    I would love to take a break form work just for one year with my 2nd child (to be hopefully). But it’s just not feasible. Even if I paid off all debt including a mortgage, individual health insurance for 4 people is (as you know) expensive as all hell. On top of losing 401k benefits, etc.

    But I don’t envy stay at home moms at all .I saw my mom do it and she was miserable. It is ungrateful work and it’s HARD work.

  • gretchie

    @Lipjunkjunkie Imma give you an AMEN, SISTER!! You forgot to mention the thankless task of convincing a small child to wake up at 6am and dress, eat, and brush their teeth to be out the door by 7. But absolutely, we still have all the stay-at-home responsibilities in addition to our J.O.B. duties. And direct reports are often just as whiny as our kids are. However, the kids are much cuter. I’ve told people for years that I have two jobs. When everyone says, woo-hoo! Time to go home! I’m all like, yeah, this job is done for today, on to the next one. It would be AWESOME to be a stay-at-home. That’s one less job! And I don’t have to wear heels all day to do that one!! High-five! Actually, going to work is a kind of a break. The j-o-b is generally easier and more relaxing. The real ideal would be to work part-time. Someone else said they go to the gym for their peace and quiet. I do that, too. So, yeah, part-time job or part-time gymrat. 🙂 WE ALL WORK TOO DAMN HARD.

  • AlyCat

    Yes, someone PLEASE invent this band. PLEASE.

  • toad97

    My friend used to talk about building a sensory deprivation chamber in her house that she could go to to listen to silence. Sounded like a great idea.

    And I have to agree with the comments about working moms not getting a break. I’ve always been a working mom, for some of it a single working mom, and it’s like having two jobs – the one you get paid for, and the one you don’t. I’m not saying that SAHM have it easy, b/c they don’t and they work their asses off – in fact, I don’t think I could do a steady diet of kids, all day long. Let’s just acknowledge that both jobs are hard, in different ways.

  • bethmann15

    Best. Idea. Ever. Please have shirts made for your Community. We will buy them. And we will wear them. And only WE will know the joke. And then we can walk around feeling superior to everyone who hasn’t heard of them. We deserve to feel superior!

  • rachregan11

    I love this idea….only I would have the rent out the venue where the “Quiet” was playing because I LOVE being by myself and for some reason that just never happens anymore. I’ve heard of some moms escaping to their bathrooms to get away but my toddler just follows me there…..have you ever had your toddler want to cuddle while you are pooping??

  • Pluckychick

    Oh hell to the yeeeeuh. I’d throw my panties at the band. I’d give my right eyeball ( some days) to have my offspring go to bed at 8:00 so I could go listen to the band. Nowadays they all stay up to midnight. The band might break up before I get to hear them again.

  • dianemaggipintovoiceover

    tyrant kissing chuck is money!

    especially since it appears chuck
    is enjoying it less than t-buddy.

  • CrabMama

    I’ve been staying at home since I got laid off from my regular job in 2009 and lemme just say this: it’s a lot harder than it looks. I’m doing OK as a freelance writer but man, it’s not easy.

    I LOVE the photo of Tyrant kissing Chuck. If I were a gay man I’d be packing my bags to fly out there right now.

    If you need a very cool gift for a child and want to do some good in the world, check out my friend Stephanie’s blog: She’s raising money to adopt three special needs kids. All kids deserve a loving home. And a hooded towel.

  • keelyesch

    My husband used to be jealous when he had to leave for work and I got to stay home. Now he feels guilty leaving me all alone to fend for myself amongst the crazy that is our home and child.


    This is SUCH a good idea. Although Bossy thinks the band already exists. It’s called Quaker Meeting.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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