An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Bootylicious Since 1742

The other day I was in spin class getting my butt kicked when the riff from the Stevie Nicks song “Edge of Seventeen” started playing on the instructor’s playlist. And I was like, AWWWWW YEAH, MY BODY’S TOO BOOTYLICIOUS FOR YA BABE! Except, it wasn’t Destiny’s Child. It was the actual Stevie Nicks song, and right then I was like, I hope no one from Williamsburg or Park Slope is eavesdropping on my mind right now! HOW EMBARRASSING.

The title of this post was the tagline for the first masthead I ever designed for this website (It didn’t make sense then. Still doesn’t.)(I didn’t start designing mastheads until September 2001. Before then I was a bit busy sowing my oats.)

Sunday marks the tenth birthday of Writing that sentence simultaneously blows my mind and makes me want to yell incoherently at some stupid kid to pull up his pants. Ten years. It’s older than my first child. Older than the dog I adopted from a shelter in Pasadena, California a few months after 9/11. It’s older than my marriage. I’m thinking it should go blonde to hide all its gray hair.

I’m heading out of town today, and since I am going to be gone through the weekend Tyrant decided to play a little trick on me yesterday. Luckily it did not involve setting my hair on fire. Aaaaaand great. Now that I’ve written that I’ve given him all sorts of ideas. PUT DOWN THE FLAME THROWER, DUDE.

Leta was just back from school and all of us were hanging out in the living room when Tyrant burst through the kitchen door shaking his head in disgust.

“Um… there’s… did you guys feed something weird to Coco? Because she’s over here cowering in the corner and there’s a giant puddle in the dining room.”

Dear Lord, seriously? Again? I’ve got a million things to get done before I have to leave and I’m going to spend the next hour on my hands and knees cleaning up dog vomit? Or maybe dog diarrhea? Is there a preferable option? YES, THERE IS. And that option is lying naked on a heated table while Zac Efron gives my shoulders a deep tissue massage.

HE’S LEGAL. Stop looking at me like that.

So I stomp over to the dining room expecting a scene straight out of Apocalypse Now only to see a dozen assorted cupcakes sitting in the middle of the table, ten birthday candles, and a small flag jutting up through the frosting on each cake, each flag printed with a message that bears great meaning to the evolution of this website.

How incredibly thoughtful of someone who once tricked me into thinking I had eaten my dead pet fish.

No, really. How unbelievable is this? The lovely people at the Sweet Tooth Fairy put this all together for us, and by us I mean all of the people living and working in this house, and you, you who have come on this wild, vomit-inducing car chase with me.

To celebrate this birthday, I would love to share these cupcakes with each and every one of you, even the readers who insulted my bathroom tiles, YOU, TOO. But since I can’t I’ve decided to give away a $1,000 cash card to someone. (That’s 10 plus a couple of zeros, see how clever that is? I came up with that all by myself. Calculus, you were worth it!)

This isn’t some sponsored giveaway. This is straight from us to you.

So, what I want to know is this… dooce was a nickname I had back in my single days, the result of an idiotic, frequent typo I made when trying to tap out duuuuuuude in an instant message window. I know, it’s not the greatest story ever told. In fact, I want to punch myself in the balls for you. Which is why I want to hear about yours. (Your nickname, not your balls. Unless you’ve got some Pulitzer Prize winning groin, and in that case I’M ALL EARS. )

What is your nickname, and why?

I’ll pick a random winner from the comments which I’ll close at 10 PM Mountain Time on Sunday night, February 27, 2011, and then announce the winner on Monday morning.

I can’t thank you enough for the support you’ve given me over the last ten years, especially to those of you who helped me through those dark months in 2004 when you let me know I was not alone. I am alive because of you.

Thank you for helping me live a dream.

  • Zeva

    A co-worker once nicknamed me Maggs. It kind of stuck. Now a days I use it mostly online.

    Congratulations on 10 years!

  • sandyk199

    Australians often like their nicknames to be obscure, so I inherited mine by way of one of my brothers. My oldest brother got named “Fruitcake’ because his mates reckoned he was as nutty as one. That eventually got changed to “Ritz”, after the brand ‘Ritz Fruitcake’, and over time that got shortened to “Cake”. My mum got called Mrs Cake, and because I’m 13 years older than Cake, I got … Babycake.

    Oh the joy of it all. I’ve 40 now and have moved far, far away from the small coastal town I grew up in, but the name has followed. Once in a blue moon I’ll be at the pub when suddenly some guy covered in tattoos will walk towards me with a massive grin, arms outstretched saying ‘Bugger me, it’s Babycake!’. Moments like that, money can’t buy …

    There’s also the matter of my OTHER brother, Flea. He’s now 49 years old, and there are only about a dozen people in the country that know his real name is Brian. He’s even been listed in the phone directory by that nickname to – bear with me – avoid confusion.

    Maybe Babycake isn’t so bad after all, but I can’t help but wonder what Flea’s mates would’ve come up if they tried to tag me on the merits of his nickname instead …

  • judi_cutrone

    A few years ago, my best friend and I were discussing whether or not we would change our names if we ever got married. My comment: “I wouldn’t if it was a horrible last name- like I wouldn’t be Judi Pudi, that’s dumb. But for a cool last name, I definitely would.”

    Her: Like what? What’s a cool last name?

    Me: I dunno. Judi Rocksteady is pretty cool.

    So now she calls me Rocksteady and has for years. I am so glad I didn’t say something like Judi Asswipe.

  • Maurina


    Yes, the only nickname I’ve ever really had was “Ack”. One of my more weird and wonderful co-workers started calling me this because of the first two initials of my name, A.K.

    The nickname faded once I left that job, but I actually kinda miss it. I ACK-tually do. Hahaha… yeah, I crack myself up 🙂

  • dfrangk

    My name is Denise. I have a tendancy to type fast and sign my name to e-mails Dense, and have been making that mistake since late high-school/early college.

    And so, unfortunately for me, most friends now refer to me as Dense or Densie.

  • kaikai

    Happymiel was given to me in high school while I was eating at a fast food restaurant. My name is Miel. It works.

  • gblinda

    My best friend in elementary school called me window, I guess it’s a play on Linda…other kids called me Silo because of my last name. Neither are good and I haven’t had one since then…boring…

  • LKG

    Frog, because I jumped around a lot when I was little.

  • RockstarLibrarian

    I’ve had a variety of nicknames over the years, but the one that really sticks with me today is what my father-in-law calls me – Sugar. He has Alzheimer’s and has had it since I married his son, so I’m pretty sure he’s never really known my name. He moved into a nursing this past week and has been declining rapidly. So that’s who I am today – Sugar – in honor of my father-in-law.

  • Geege

    I picked up Geege from a friends son who couldn’t say my name. Somehow it stuck cause my family still calls me Geege 14 years later 🙂 Happy Anniversary!

  • deelish628

    Have been reading you for 9 years (but I read all of your backlogs when I first started)… loved every step of the way.

    Mine and my husband’s nicknames for each other are the same: bene. Origin: typo when trying to spell bebe. Now, we are both affectionately known as bene (pronounced bean) or ‘benelet’ (french accent on that one) or ‘beaner leaner’… varies day to day 🙂

  • Katjack

    Once I started going by Kat I started getting lots of nicknames: katjack (last name jackson), katty cakes, kitty kat (like the movie Wedding Crashers), kit kat, etc.
    Pick me to win!

  • Marcea

    Happy 10th birthday! Time flies!
    no special nicknames really… Ive been called Mars (shortened from my name) or M (even shorter! lol)

    Have fun!

  • mlewis

    My nickname growing up was Fatty… which was only appropriate because the biggest part of my legs were definitely my knee caps and even in high school, I had to wear little kids kneepads for my volleyball games.

  • LieselDiesel

    Well, I don’t comment here much but offer me money and here I am. First of all, congrats on a huge milestone. I guess I never realized how long you have been doing this. It is an incredible anniversary and impressive given the sheer amount of competition in the blogosphere for reader attention.

    Now, since I don’t comment much, I forgot my username. I went through all of the steps to get it and I had to laugh when I received the email. Diesel is actually one of my nicknames, which I apparently thought should be part of my username. Funny. It was given to me by some mean neighborhood bullies when I was a kid because it rhymes with my name. While I initially hated it, I eventually embraced it and it became a permanent nickname through high school. And pissed the bullies off in the process, score one for me!

    Again, congrats on the big 10.

  • MacFour

    I have several nicknames. Mainly it’s Ivie. There’s also Shorty and BooBoo. My kids also have nicknames that vary depending on the mood of me and my husband.

    Happy 10th!

  • heitchue

    My best friend called me ‘caca’ when we were babies, does that count?

  • leanne Wiener

    My nickname is definately not “politically correct”, but in high school I was called “Chink”. I am however, not a chink, although I guess I have “chinkish eyes”. These were my best friends calling me this, it was not meant in a mean way at all. I still get x-mas cards in the mail from high school friends addressed to Chink Wiener. Like the last name isn’t bad enough. I should have kept my maiden name.

  • dejavu2

    My only nickname was when I was around 12, it was Lips, I have no idea why…I am the polar opposite of Jolie’s smackers and I definitely wasn’t spreading the kissing disease as my first date was when I the ripe age of 16.

  • blue_2227

    I don’t really have a nickname, but growing up my brother & I called my sister ‘Smells’. Drove her crazy! In fact, 30 years later, it still does 🙂

  • mariannecanada

    My nickname isn’t super exciting. My name is Marianne, which gets shortened to M.A., which became “May”. It’s sweet, though, and only very close friends and family call me that.

    Thank you for this amazing giveaway and congratulations on 10 years! Amazing!

  • JamieM

    Buster. My last name is Hyman. Enough said.

  • Loopdedoo

    Mine is Peeps. Not like the marshmallow thingys, not like “my people” because this was WAAYY before that. Just something a friend was compelled to call me. I dunno. Its better than Crackface, so I answer to it.

    Happy Dooceversary. I love how you make soda come out my nose when I read you!

  • Moxie79

    For some reason, everyone in my family calls me monkey…perhaps due to an unfortunate simian look when I was a baby?

  • GraceSmelly

    Smelly. It’s my derby name, but also, it allows me to embrace the stink that used to embarrass me. Now, it’s part of my persona, allows me to joke about something and more fully own up to being a stinky, lovely lady.

  • kirbaliscious

    My husband’s nickname is Dagbeast. His name is Darryl Wood, which morphed into Dagwood, which morphed into Dagbeast one crazy night in college. I think it had something to do with sleep-peeing in a corner of a hotel room.

  • redhedmomma

    My husband’s nickname for me is Bella and this happened way before those vampire books appeared on the scene. In a funny twist this does involve a vampire though.

    I was a gymnast when I was in elementary and high school and while trying to impress my future-husband/then-boyfriend, in an elaborate story I attempted to claim that Bela Karolyi coached me once. However, I actually said Bela Lugosi was my coach. Whoops. He never let it go and to this day still calls me Bella (that was about 15 years ago!).

  • amedame

    I think my favorite nickname (lots of them for an Amy) is Famous. As in Famous Amos. Because, you know, chocolate chip cookies!

  • Espion

    My little sister used to affectionately call me “Wawa” because she could not pronounce L’s or R’s very well. (My name is Laura.) That hung on a little longer than necessary, but still a term of endearment!

  • lisame

    Evilisa with one L. That is how all my friends say it. Evilisa one ell.

    Ok, so back in the 80s I was hanging with this slimeball named Richard. He was a VERY wealthy satanic blister infested slimeball. Nasty man. He started dating this adorable hottie named Lynn and after about six months she dumbed him the same time that I (once again) got tired of his antics. He sent her and three other of our mutual friends CERTIFIED LETTERS detailing what a bad person I am. Throughout the letter he referred to me as EVILISA. I was summoned to a pool party where everyone took turns reading their letter out loud.

    Laughter ensued.

    Booze was consumed.

    In the 90s, Lynn and I were having drinks at the Service Bar on Lower Greenville (Dallas, TX) when Richard (also see: slimy, satan, Dick Jr) walked in the back door. Lynn jumped out the front window and left. Now THAT was funny!

    To this day. I am Evilisa with one L.

    Also, I am still friends with Lynn and the other three people. They still won’t talk to Richard.

    Lisa R. Merito

    ps. I was reading your blog that first month. I remember when you got fired. I also went to a crazy farm same time as you (different reason). I’m officially as creepy as Richard. What with the stalking a woman I’ve never met.

  • lizlal

    First of all, congrats! You really make me smile so often, and I appreciate your honesty about parenting and marriage and life. Thank you.

    Nicknames, eh? Well, I was called Elzbieta in high school after a character in the book The Jungle which was quite a traumatizing book. But the name held. I was called lizard, which I always hated. And more recently, I have a couple of (male) friends who like to call me, lizzie lynn, dressed in sin. As a mother who works, I find this to be great, adding a little pep into my otherwise busy and not so sexy life! And these friends are primarily my husband’s friends, and he loves the nickname as well. So it all works out.

  • nicholee

    Happy birthday, website!

    Everyone called me Nikki until I graduated from high school, moved away and told everyone my name was Nichole. (Which it is.) There’s no exciting story behind the nickname. It’s just a short-for.

    My cat’s name is Marsha. I also call her: Marshamallow, Marlow, Marshalicious, MeowMix and Sweet Little Fluffalump.

    (What? This seemed like the appropriate venue for sharing of cat nicknames.)

  • mthead82

    My nickname from my husband? “Shorty”. Not to be confused with SHAWTY. and it’s because I’m short. He nicknamed our beautiful daughter with a beautiful name (Campbell) “Shorty Jr.” SO inventive.

    My dad used to call me “Tooter Punkin”, still calls me “Toot” – no idea why. It’s unique alright…

  • Roobacca

    At a former job, my nickname became “Becca the Wrecka.” I even put it on my business card.

    Wow — 10 years. Congratulations!

  • nitebyrd

    Congratulations on 10 years! I’m thinkin’ everyone should have a Tyrant.

    The only nickname I’ve ever had is – Mom. Sad, I know.

  • ninabina

    My name is Kristina. My nickname is Nina. When I was little my cousin’s couldn’t say Kristina and I ended up as Nina. Only my family uses this nickname now but every once in a while a friend will use it only to get a weird reaction from me.

    It’s fun to read through all the funny nicknames.

    My husband’s high school nickname was Tard..because he was smarter than the average bear.

  • kalala31

    My Samoan name is Kalala so my nickname is Lala… sorry I know it’s boring but there you have it.

  • ashburnmom

    Is it weird I never really had a nickname? My brother used to call me “Anna-Banana” sometimes but that was more name calling than a nickname! Stupid brothers! ;p Congratulations on 10 great years! I’ve always appreciated not only your sense of humor but your openess about issues that affect so many of us! Thank you for that! Here’s to 10 more years!!

  • howelle

    Mine is simple and easy — my first initial, E. I have one of those names that is not easy to nick.

    Congratulations on your anniversary! Can you believe it?

  • amberknecht

    Growing up, my nickname was Fred. No one knows why, but it stuck. When our baby girl was in utero, we called her Chewie. Not to be confused with Chewy, which people did a lot. It’s a Star Wars reference people, not an adjective for a granola bar.

  • ditb

    OK – winner here –
    First congratulations on your fab anniversary and cupcake celebration. Those chocolate ones look delicious!
    Our family includes 3 kids and 2 dogs. We order pizza every week from the same place. About 2 years ago, I called to place an order – and had to repeat myself several times to be heard over the dogs barking. They needed to warn us that people were walking in front of our house, which as you might imagine happens several times every day! Anyway, the pizza guy hung up before asking for the name to go with our order.
    I went 1/2 hour later to pick up the pizza, and the lady at the register asked what name was with our order…i stumbled a bit as I realized that no name had been given. At this point, the other guy behind the counter says “oh, I know who YOU are! You are “Dogs in the Background” – and so we have been ever since. We now order pizza for “dogs in the background” and even shorten it occasionally to “ditb”…it fits our family in every way!

  • jesaccom

    My name is Justine, but growing up my dear friend Drew used to call me Justice. I’m not sure where it originated from, maybe it was close to justine but sounded cooler. I really liked it and he’s the only person that calls me by that name and it’s the only nickname that I’ve ever gotten.

  • liv-p

    Well, since high school my nickname has been Pooh. Not because I’m a big Disney fan, or Winnie the Pooh fan. Nope. My nickname is short for Pookie, which is what my first boyfriend called my vagina. 20 years later, and my oldest & dearest friends still call me that.

  • amyleightaylor

    Name is Amy…Amalah or Am..kind of lame. oh well.

  • sarahannerw

    my nickname is Babe. Why? MY BODY’S TOO BOOTYLICIOUS FOR YA BABE!

    actually, I really don’t know how it started. it just is.

  • Angeerah

    I am Angeerah thanks to my nephew, who is now 19, because he could not say Andrea. Now my family and some of my friends call me that. Actually, the correct way to say it is at the top of your lungs like this:


    Thank you for great 10 years. I think I stopped in at year 4 (maybe earlier?) It’s been a great ride and I wish you more success in the future. Cheers!

  • do2na

    My parents called me The Pink One – I was the younger sister to an older brother.

    Now my friends call me “D” and my husband just calls me Honeybunches.

    Love, love, love your blog. Happy 10th.

  • waits4thebus

    Wonder Woman. Dad’s called me that since I was a kid. Wish I had an invisible jet and some cool bracelets, but I’ll do without the skimpy outfit. Too cold.

  • linda_blevins

    Well, my name is Amanda, and as a child of 1980, there were always other Amanda’s in my class. In Kindergarten I became Amanda R. As school years would wear on, teachers, tired of all the Amanda-Last-Initial, would shorten my name to Amandar to just Mandar. I felt like a superhero. Mandar the crime-fighting vigilante! I told my then boyfriend and now my husband this story in college in front of some of our friends, and a nickname was born. I was Mandar for 3 years in college, and then the name escaped campus and leaked into the rest of my life. Now, 10 years later and despite a new last name, my mother- and father-in-law both call me Mandar. My husband has shortened it to Dar.

  • eringonz

    the nickname that has stuck with me the most is ‘martha stewart’; not because i’m a neurotic perfectionist with a heart of perfectly sculpted ice (made from only the purest water, which flowed from a magical spring of unicorn tears, tastefully decorated with raffia), but because i love to cook for people.

    fancy schmancy food. sure, i like to make mac n’ cheese and hot dogs, but i truly enjoy the challenge of a gourmet meal, and presenting it in that ‘martha stewart’ sort of way.

    i only wish i had her bank account. *sigh*

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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