An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Bootylicious Since 1742

The other day I was in spin class getting my butt kicked when the riff from the Stevie Nicks song “Edge of Seventeen” started playing on the instructor’s playlist. And I was like, AWWWWW YEAH, MY BODY’S TOO BOOTYLICIOUS FOR YA BABE! Except, it wasn’t Destiny’s Child. It was the actual Stevie Nicks song, and right then I was like, I hope no one from Williamsburg or Park Slope is eavesdropping on my mind right now! HOW EMBARRASSING.

The title of this post was the tagline for the first masthead I ever designed for this website (It didn’t make sense then. Still doesn’t.)(I didn’t start designing mastheads until September 2001. Before then I was a bit busy sowing my oats.)

Sunday marks the tenth birthday of Writing that sentence simultaneously blows my mind and makes me want to yell incoherently at some stupid kid to pull up his pants. Ten years. It’s older than my first child. Older than the dog I adopted from a shelter in Pasadena, California a few months after 9/11. It’s older than my marriage. I’m thinking it should go blonde to hide all its gray hair.

I’m heading out of town today, and since I am going to be gone through the weekend Tyrant decided to play a little trick on me yesterday. Luckily it did not involve setting my hair on fire. Aaaaaand great. Now that I’ve written that I’ve given him all sorts of ideas. PUT DOWN THE FLAME THROWER, DUDE.

Leta was just back from school and all of us were hanging out in the living room when Tyrant burst through the kitchen door shaking his head in disgust.

“Um… there’s… did you guys feed something weird to Coco? Because she’s over here cowering in the corner and there’s a giant puddle in the dining room.”

Dear Lord, seriously? Again? I’ve got a million things to get done before I have to leave and I’m going to spend the next hour on my hands and knees cleaning up dog vomit? Or maybe dog diarrhea? Is there a preferable option? YES, THERE IS. And that option is lying naked on a heated table while Zac Efron gives my shoulders a deep tissue massage.

HE’S LEGAL. Stop looking at me like that.

So I stomp over to the dining room expecting a scene straight out of Apocalypse Now only to see a dozen assorted cupcakes sitting in the middle of the table, ten birthday candles, and a small flag jutting up through the frosting on each cake, each flag printed with a message that bears great meaning to the evolution of this website.

How incredibly thoughtful of someone who once tricked me into thinking I had eaten my dead pet fish.

No, really. How unbelievable is this? The lovely people at the Sweet Tooth Fairy put this all together for us, and by us I mean all of the people living and working in this house, and you, you who have come on this wild, vomit-inducing car chase with me.

To celebrate this birthday, I would love to share these cupcakes with each and every one of you, even the readers who insulted my bathroom tiles, YOU, TOO. But since I can’t I’ve decided to give away a $1,000 cash card to someone. (That’s 10 plus a couple of zeros, see how clever that is? I came up with that all by myself. Calculus, you were worth it!)

This isn’t some sponsored giveaway. This is straight from us to you.

So, what I want to know is this… dooce was a nickname I had back in my single days, the result of an idiotic, frequent typo I made when trying to tap out duuuuuuude in an instant message window. I know, it’s not the greatest story ever told. In fact, I want to punch myself in the balls for you. Which is why I want to hear about yours. (Your nickname, not your balls. Unless you’ve got some Pulitzer Prize winning groin, and in that case I’M ALL EARS. )

What is your nickname, and why?

I’ll pick a random winner from the comments which I’ll close at 10 PM Mountain Time on Sunday night, February 27, 2011, and then announce the winner on Monday morning.

I can’t thank you enough for the support you’ve given me over the last ten years, especially to those of you who helped me through those dark months in 2004 when you let me know I was not alone. I am alive because of you.

Thank you for helping me live a dream.

  • jessimicah

    My nickname in high school was Skittles – I love everything rainbows. I would paint each nail a different color of the rainbow.

  • emm

    My name is Melissa, and my southern relatives (who am I kidding, they are all southern) call me Missy. When one of my cousins was learning to talk (help me, she is graduating high school in 4 months), her “Missy” came out as “Messy”, and I’ve been Messy ever since.

  • kakifbennett

    My nickname is Kaki, pronounced kay-key. It really irritates when people call me khaki. My dad (who I later found out wasn’t really my dad) used to call me sugar cake, then it was shortened to cake, then to cakey, then my mother (who I found out later wasn’t really my mother) changed the spelling to Kaki. My given name is Keri, which noone called me until I got a job. A few years ago, after one too many Hurricanes, I sent an e-mail to everyone I knew announcing that I wanted to be called Kaki…I was claiming my name and everyone could just suck it! Most everyone was supportive, but some still call me Keri, and I secretly hate them for it.

    Congrats on the anniversary. I’ve only been reading for about 3 years, and I’ve loved all of it!

    All the best,

  • CO

    I have always dreamed of having a really cool nickname but alas, it was not to be. The only one I’ve ever had goes back to when I was about 14. A really good guy friend of mine started calling me Scrambled Eggs. For no reason. It is based on nothing. To this day, if I get a note from him on facebook or a random email, 9 times out of 10 he will use that name as the salutation. I still have no freaking idea what it means more than 20 years later but it seems to be said with love so I have decided that I like it.

    On a side note, congratulations on 10 years. Congrats on still being alive, funny, intelligent, successful and giving. I’d wish you luck on the next 10 years but I know you’ll kick that decades ass too. 🙂

  • Groovymarlin

    My name is Mary and my nickname, starting in college, used to be Scary Mary. That was my “air name” on the college radio station, where I hosted a four-hour show every week, indulging my gothy side (and it was the late 80s, so why not?). I continued to use the nickname Scary Mary (or Scarymary) in lots of venues after college, and it was the first screen name I used for lots of just-starting Internet things like Usenet, AOL chatrooms, my email address, etc.

    Some time in the late 90s I was logging in to an online game server (probably to play some geeky SIM like Age of Empires or something) and I tried to use the nickname “Scarymary,” but it was taken. So I let the computer system suggest something for me, and it came up with a few, including “Groovymarlin.” How does that even relate to Scarymary? It doesn’t really. But I liked the sound of it, so that’s what I used. And as the years went by, I started using Groovymarlin more and more.

    Things I like about the nickname Groovymarlin:
    1. Unlike scarymary, it’s androgynous. Obvs I’m a female, but sometimes it’s nice to be mysterious.
    2. It makes me smile, because it makes me think of Austin Powers saying “Groovy, baby. Yeah!”
    3. I use the adjective “groovy” a lot, so it just seems to fit me.

    Things I don’t like about the nickname Groovymarlin:
    1. Sometimes people assume I’m a Florida Marlins fan, and I actually had to look it up to find out what a Florida Marlin is. No, I’m not a fan.

    And that’s how I turned into Groovymarlin, with my own domain name and everything.

    Congratulations on the anniversary of

  • stacyd911

    In 7th grade the nickname “Spacy Stacy” was bestowed upon me. I would have been more upset if 1) I wasn’t spacy and 2) my name wasn’t Stacy. Happy Anniversary!

  • amydpp

    Queen Of Inappropriate, Princess of Randomness, and the Duchess of the Non-Sequitur.

    (It may be long but I think it covers me to a T)

  • chrince

    My name is Christine and I’ve been called every variation of the name you can imagine. But recently, my brother-in-laws took to calling me Chrince. My husband and his brothers do impressions of each other and Chrince came from brother #2 talking to me in the voice of brother #4.

  • Lexi

    Most of my nicknames growing up were just shortened versions of my name: Bec, Becca, Reb, Reba. Now my only nickname is from my husband and it is Monks, which is short for Monkey.

  • broomcakes

    My user name is my nickname, gifted to me by my husband. It started in college as “broom,” as that was part of my last name. The “cakes” got added by the spouse as an affectionate way of pointing out that I have a generous portion of posterior area (yeah, I need that constant reminder, because otherwise I’d just forget about my big behind, I guess). He frequently shortens it to “cakes.” It’s very classy to be addressed as “cakes” while in public, dining out, etc. Very classy.

  • marybeth494

    My family nickname is Gaga. I was born on October 30th and my great aunt wanted to have my nickname be that of a famous witch. She was thinking of Heckity but said Heckubah instead. My older brother, who was 10 or 11 months at the time, couldn’t say Heckubah – it came out Ga-ga and the name stuck. Now, *cough* 40 *cough* something years later, not many use the name – just close family members.

  • pearlmoon11

    Heather, I’m sure you’ve heard this more than a zillion times, but you’ve saved me too. We went through our first pregnancies together. I have a lot of other health issues as well. You made me feel ok and human again even though I have to take the crazy pills every day. You’ve given me strength when I’ve had none because of my devastating 8 year run with migraines that highly threatened my ability to be a mother. And I’m alone. Just me and my son since day one. You just understood without even knowing just like the first time I listened to Janis Joplin at 17. She may not be your flavor but listen to the song “Little Girl Blue”. I can’t ever thank you enough.

    My nickname is JC & The Sunshine Band. My initials are JC and they say I’m a ray of sunshine wherever I go. I spread warmth and happiness. It has to be the crazy pills!!!

  • MelissaJ

    My nickname is not anything exotic; it is Missy. The odd thing about that name for me is that I was NEVER a Missy growing up, always Melissa. My niece started calling me that when she started talking and no one knows from where since she never heard anyone call me that. And now I am Missy to more people than I care to admit.

    I draw the line at “Mel”…I correct everyone that attempts to call me that.

  • meganastout

    Oh, how I wish I had a great name — but sadly the best I’ve got is Megs, Meggy etc. It’s always something in line with my real name.

    When I type my name out, I always forget the g. Leaving all my emails with:


    Enchanting, no?

    I on the other hand constantly make up nicknames for other people, probably compensating for the lack of creativity issued to me.

  • lucy3113

    My nickname was Lucy. As in Lucifer. Straight from my mother at a very young age.

  • Joy Zazz

    My nickname from 17 yrs on was Twiggy. Not just because I was tall & skinny, but because I am of Dutch descent and have a brother nicknamed Woody/Woodrow/Woodenhead.

    And my family wonders why I need therapy.

  • theasphere

    Congrats on 10 years! My lil sister calls me Thyza Louise, most call me Tha and my musically inclined friends call me Thelonious (my namesake is the great Thelonious Sphere Monk).

  • nyy7mantle

    I have a few different nicknames:

    1. Tornado Tom – Comes from way back in 7th grade when I was obsessed with becoming an on-air meteorologist (which I actually went to college for…whole other story). The name was given to me by my classmates after they all watched me do my first on-air broadcast (totally faked) for a school project. This nickname still lives on today as my personal design portfolio website,

    2. Pretty Tom (PT) – Comes from my college days when a few of my friends and co-workers realized that I had unusually “pretty” handwriting for a dude. Seeing as “Tom with the pretty handwriting” was WAY too long, it got shortened to Pretty Tom, and then even further to PT. This nickname is still used to this day with my close friends.

  • delic8guineas

    People have called me and my brother “Knippy” because they think our last name is fun. Our last name IS fun.

  • raynshannon

    When I was a kid it was Cheetah, I was the fastest runner in the class.
    Then as I grew into a teen it was Benzie…a nick name off my last name, which my dad and sister also held.
    When we opened our joint email account I would get Rayn often…which isn’t my name at all, lol.
    Most often I get Shan, being from Shannon.

    But my favourite is Honeybunch…from my dad. I might be a *touch* of a daddy’s girl. He still calls me Honeybunch.

    p.s. I love you. You’re so real it hurts.
    I’ve read you daily since I was pregnant with my youngest, who is one month older than Leta.

  • twirlyShells

    CONGRATULATIONS, Heather. You deserve every second of this.

    My nickname is Shell or Shells, since my full name is Shelly. Also pretty boring. My favorite nicknames are for my little sisters, though. Hannah has always been HannahBeans to me (or Hannah Bean Stew or just Beans or even Beanie Baby) and Kaitlin, while also Kate and Katie, is known only to me as Annie (her middle name is Ann). When I was little, my grandfather called me Pookie and my grandmother called me ShellyWells.

    I also must say I got a small thrill the other day from your picture of the desk you use to write thank you notes and I saw the postcard that I received from you last year. Thanks again for that.

    Have a great time with whatever you’re doing this weekend!!

  • mendifae

    My nickname is Mindy Fay. My real name is Mindy but my dad has always called me mindy fay (not my middle name btw). It stuck and now everyone calls me that. I also use it for my online name but I spelled it differently. 🙂

    My daughter is the queen of nicknames though – she is Morgan but we call her Morgy, Mo, Morgy LeeLee, lovebug and puddin’ (not sure where that last one came in)!

    Congrats on 10 years!! I love the blog and hope it lasts many, many more years!

  • Andreva

    I haven’t really had a nickname–My name is Lindsay and some people call me Linds (Linz), that’s about it.

  • qestia

    My name is Rebecca but my nickname is Elizabeth, I guess. People always call me Elizabeth. Why? It makes no sense.

  • MelissaInAz

    Wow – congrats on 10 years!

    And wow – I could really use $1K.

    My father lovingly called me RoundHead for most of my childhood. Why? Because I had my front teeth missing for most of my childhood (long story) and he thought I looked like a pumpkin. He did start with Punkin’ Head, but then it evolved into just RoundHead – because a pumpkin is semi-round I guess. And no, it didn’t cause any insecurity about the size of my noggin’ until I was 20 thanksforasking.

  • Cllammers

    CLAMME – is used often from male co-workers who I implmented SAP and they still call it to me when we run into each other on business trips. over 5yrs

    Chuckie – Freinds gave me this name when I was in my 20’s. Used today by co-workers when I told them in a drunk momemnt after working hard on aimplementation of SAP. Again over 5yrs and when I run into them they use this name and new people look at us strange. My maint sup uses daily.


  • gheti

    My little sister couldn’t say Kim so called me Dimma. I am now 30 and she and my Dad still call me that. I haven’t thought about where it came from in awhile and it brought a smile to my face 😉

  • Robo-Bee

    The only non-name-based nickname I’ve ever had was Six, like the character from Blossom. People called me that freshman year of college, because I talk really, really fast when I get excited about something. Which happens a lot.

  • kgrace

    My nickname is Kathro, which is apparently hillbilly for “Kathryn”. I’m sort of embarrassed to admit that I actually came up with this one myself many years ago, and was shocked when it actually stuck!

  • jessjgh1

    Congratulations Dooce!
    I don’t have an interesting nickname story- “Jess” is pretty much self-explanatory. In highschool I was briefly nicknamed ‘Troublemaker’ by someone because I was, well, not one. It might have stuck more and if it hadn’t been so close to graduation.
    Oddly, the nickname actually got me talking to more people in high school than anything else had.

    My screename is just a combination from my first email account in college, which was assigned to me.

    I’ve never been good with names. -Jessica

  • tyleesmamma

    I’m boring too. I’ve had a few fun nicknames in my life but nothing has stuck. My brother called me “Medium” when I was growing up cause I was a chunky little kid. As I gained weight through puberty I became “X-Large” and then when I slimmed down in adulthood I became “Slim.” What a nice brother he was. 😀

  • rspell

    I’ve had more nicknames than I can remember, each from a different group or place in my life. Chuck, because I wore Chuck Taylors in high school. Tink, because for a while I had bells in my hair. Fit Becky, because my friends were ridiculously misinformed.

  • jennifer baron

    I always remained totally clothed, but for some reason a neighbor who was not a pervert, gave me the nickname of Jenny Baron Naked. I plan to use it in some fashion for future piece of writing or blog etc.

    You rock Heather and are an inspiration to be authentic in every way, thank you!

  • Mandydc

    I have had a few, but Re Re and Mandypants stick out the most. Re Re is what my little sister would call me before she could pronounce my name and Mandypants is what my Ex would call me.
    Personally I just prefer Mandy opposed to Amanda.

  • Lesismor

    I hated my nickname…I got stuck with Chicken Legs (thanks Dad for those knobby family knees) which never seemed fair because my brother had the exact same legs & knees but didn’t get stuck with the name! However, in my 30’s now I have learned to love my legs for what they are, I have “grown” into them…and should anyone call me that, I say, better that than “cankles” :p

  • Chrissyg

    In grad school, some people called me Ms. Contingency. I guess I’m a bit of a control freak and I always have a back-up plan…

  • Teresa W

    My nickname is Tree. My younger brother didn’t talk very plain for a long time. He could not say Teresa so he shortened it to Tree. It caught on and several people used it when I was younger. Now that I am 56 about the only person that ever uses it is my husband.

  • megdesilva

    I don’t have one nickname. I have at least 10. It seems that everyone I know calls me something different. I’ll go with the one that inspired this username. Megsdesilva. I used to play this game with my friends, and we had to pick user names, and that was mine! Somehow it just stuck outside of the game too.

  • ErikaMSN

    That nearly made *me* cry!

    My nickname story is sadly dull. I’ve never been much of a nickname person, but Jr. year in college (gad, this is such a sad reflection on my social life at the time) I was studying in the stacks of the library, as per usual, and one of my good friends had come to see me and try to tempt me to do something else. She was perusing the shelves while she talked to me, and started to say something to me, but instead of saying my name she said one of the words on the spine of a history book in front of her–Nation. She then decided Nation should be my nickname, but we decided it just sounded too big, so she then shortened it to Nate.

    So, Nate it is. But only a handful of people (seriously, about 4, and my husband is not included) are allowed to call me that.

    Also, the spam catcher at the bottom of the page wants me to type in Lebensraum toili. Just thought you should know. 🙂

  • Iridesce

    My mom called me “Summer Wummer” every day until I hit puberty. I guess she stopped because someone to whome she had to ask, “Is it okay to talk to you today?” didn’t deserve a cute nickname.

  • cth

    Uh, well, my husband calls me the clogger. Think about your Mexico hotel story. That’s why. And yes, that’s how much I’d love to win, that I just admitted that nickname.

  • Kathleen

    Happy anniversary from Ostend, Belgium!

    My nick name is “BULKIE”, short, strong and weird. It is with me since my marketing studies. A class mate was making fun of my last name (something you would never do haha) “Vandenbulcke” and he invented the nick name “bulkie”. I liked it but never used it really. Untill I met my soon to be boyfriend (also a former class mate) and I saw my name in his cell phone was mentioned as Bulkie too… How sweet,…
    So Bulkie it was and still is.

  • monamour214

    My nickname is Mona Mour, aka Mona … it’s my derby name! My tagline is “love hurts,” which I think is pretty damn appropriate. I play for the Boston Derby Dames and am starting my fourth season of roller derby. And Heather, if you’re ever in Boston, you are not only welcome at a game, but at a practice with us. We’d love to have you!

  • megalimugwump

    My dad has given me a million nicknames over the years, the first one was Megalimugwump. Others have been, The Megster, meggie-moo-moo, and simply Megs.

    Happy 10th anniversary!

  • starsnstripes

    My nickname is B*tch.. well because I am. My husband decided to call it as he see’s it and that is my nickname!

    And Congrats on 10 years, that is an awesome milestone. YOu have come a long way, you should be very, very proud.

  • lml45

    “Monkey” – once I changed my facebook picture to that of a newborn orangutan. My Malaysian friend started calling me “monkey” and it stuck all through college.

  • bmj

    My dad calls me Brits or BT, and he’s the only one who calls me by a nickname. I love it.

  • Daisee

    Daisy; when my girls were small and attending girl scout summmer camp, I had the pleasure of being a unit leader and bus monitor for the girls that came from our neck of the woods. The first day each unit leader had to come up with a nature name; for their girls to call them: the lifeguard was leech, others were treefrog, blade of grass, etc I didnt know what to be called so I asked the girls in my unit what they thought and they all agreed Daisy!
    When I was interviewing for my now job; one of the questions I was asked as their daughter attended the same summer camp was: So… What was your nature name? and I answered and this has somehow stuck and what I am called. I am glad I wasnt the lifeguard!

  • Emily Kaye

    Congrats on the anniversary, Dooce! I’ve loved coming along for the journey with you. I started reading when I got a receptionist job after college in 2008 that made me so bored I wanted to kill myself, so I spent my time reading your entire archive. Memories.

    I have a few nicknames but my favorite is LABRAS, which is a version of my maiden name, Liberis, that my friend Anna started calling me in college when we thought it would be really funny to only use one vowel sound for all words. So her name went from Anna Hendrick to ANNA HANDRAK and mine went from Emily Liberis to AMALA LABRAS. It has to be in caps because you have to yell when you are only using one vowel sound. Oh college.

  • oreonax

    I have a pile of nicknames …

    My parents calls me Mei, which is short for mei mei which just means Little Sister in Chinese.

    Just about everybody calls me Monkey, because, well, I kind of am one (in a zodiacal sense and in a hey!-look-at-her sense).

    Old friends from school tend to call me ‘laine or lainey – something about my given name being more suited to old white grandmothers or even old white great-grandmothers.

    Boyfriends tend to come up with names: Moldy, Monkey (it stuck, okay?), Bumblebutt…

    And oreonax isn’t so much a nickname as much as an online handle, but that’s the genus of the Yellow-Bottomed Monkeys.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more