An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

When networking goes horribly wrong

I didn’t think this time would ever come, but in the last couple of months I have had to reassess my list for a reason other than “this one hates dogs” or “that one has toe hair.”

You’re like, this had better not be her grocery list.

The list list. The five people you would most like to have sex with outside of your marriage, and if one of them called you up and was all, hey girl, your significant other would have to give you a pass. Except, the people on your list have to be so out of reach that such a phone call would not ever happen. So out of reach that you cannot know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows their dentist.

Enter: Christy Turlington. Those who are familiar with my list asked me if I brought this up with her during our trip to Bangladesh, and I was like, RIGHT. How on earth was that conversation supposed to go?

“I really want to have sex with your friend’s husband.”

And then she’d be like, great. Nice to meet you, too!

A few weeks before our trip I read a profile of Gwyneth Paltrow in Bon Appetit talking about her cookbook. She mentioned throwing a party for a whole bunch of her friends, and Christy is quoted in the article. SHE WAS AT THAT PARTY. Guess who happened to be there, too? Gwyneth’s husband. Chris Martin. Occupier of the top spot on my list.

He couldn’t be fifth, COULD HE. NO. He had to be at the top. So I awkwardly approached my husband and asked if there might be an exception to the rules, like, maybe instead of taking someone off of your list you just move them down a few notches. I didn’t tell him why I was asking, only that a friend wanted to know.

“Christy Turlington knows Gwyneth Paltrow, doesn’t she?” he said more than asked.


Turns out, yes, they know each other well. Very well, so Chris had to be erased completely from the list. So I wrote his name on a piece of embossed stationery, folded it in half and buried it in the back yard, the silence broken only as my tears bounced off the fresh dirt. SEE WHAT YOU’RE MISSING OUT ON, CHRIS.

What a sorry state my list was in! No number one, and two whole spots occupied by Michael Phelps? HEATHER. Pull yourself together. What if some hunky famous person calls in the next couple of weeks for some action and he’s not listed? The rules say you’d have to turn him down. My marriage vows do, too, BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT.

I’ve had to come up with a revised list, and this is not easy work! There are only five spots and yet very many famous people getting in shape for their next role!

And I don’t remember what it was, oh, wait. Yes I do. It was this clip of Ryan Gosling feeding an apple to his dog when I remembered how I used to really dislike Ryan Gosling, not for any particular reason, only that people (little girls) kept raving about “The Notebook” and I most certainly was not going to see “The Notebook” until I finally gave in and saw “The Notebook” and HOLY SHIT, I LOOOOOOOVE RYAN GOSLING.

That kissing scene in the rain. You cannot finish watching that movie with your virginity intact. Not possible.

And then here he is breaking up a street fight. Behold his arms:

Almost all of the work he has done since “The Notebook” has deepened that love. He’s hot, pure sex even, but he’s also… strange. Sometimes he looks like his great grandfather from Hoboken dressed him, but he doesn’t care. And it’s that not caring that takes him from no where near my list to the top spot.

So here’s what it looks like now:

1. Ryan Gosling
2. Ed O’Brien
3. Brad Pitt
4. Clive Owen
5. Damon Albarn

What is the state of your list?

  • abredro

    1. Ryan Gosling (holy hell, that man is hot)
    2. Jon Stewart
    3. Johnny Depp
    4. Juliette Binoche (preferably together with Johnny Depp, with Chocolate)
    5. Justin Timberlake

    Javier Bardem and Sean Connery get honorable mentions.

  • randi33

    Ryan Reynolds
    Johnny Depp
    Robert Downey Jr.
    Andy Samberg
    Dave Grohl

    My list changes daily. Robert Downey Jr. and Johnny Depp are lifers though. They are in my list hall of fame and can never be removed!

  • smiles4u2have

    Okay, I thought the rules of the list were if there was the remote possibility then you must do anything and everything to make it happen…at least that is how I would play it if anyone on my list (which is way more than 5 and changes almost daily) comes within 5 degrees of me.

    Some that do make the list, in no particular order and all subject to change based on if/when they get skanky and/or nasty:

    Anyone with a hot accent, 50Cent, Justin Timberlake, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Ryan Gosling, Gary Dourdan, Emma Stone, David Tennant, Billie Piper, Kevin McKidd, Lindsey Price – and if we can throw in fictional written characters (and we can cause it’s my list) Jamie Fraser from Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander series.

  • Satyr

    Hugh Laurie
    James Spader
    Mark Harmon
    David Tenant
    Richard Armitage

    with Robert Downey Jr as reserve… 🙂

  • evergrey

    I don’t have a solidified list – but Ryan Gosling would be on it if I ever drafted one.

    Dooce – Ryan is even hotter in the new movie Crazy Stupid Love. You wouldn’t think it’s possible, but he’s on FIRE in that film.

  • rreed

    Ok, the dooce. (long time reader, first time commenter) I adore you, I really do. If it didn’t make me feel so desperately stalker-y, I’d dare to say we’d be super good friends if you lived in here Brooklyn. Hell, I’d probably meet you for coffee monthly even if you lived all the way in Manhattan.

    But good god, woman. Why on earth is Clive Owen so far down on your list?! Have you gone mad?

    My list is as follows:

    1. Clive Owen
    2. Clive Owen
    3. Dr. Drew
    4. The guy who plays Sherlock on the new BBC Sherlock
    5. Clive Owen

  • Petri Dish

    Shit! Antonia’s comment made me laugh out loud and then I had to explain to my husband while I was cackling so hard. That comment is why I have followed Antonia’s blog for the past three years. Genius, I say! Now I’ve got this image of her hair all tousled about, drool dripping on the floor and she turns around and asks, “did you just head butt a horse?” hahahahaha

  • Chez Sanderosa

    Have you seen Gosling’s abs on “Crazy, Stupid, Love”? He’s on my list now!!!

  • kristanhoffman

    Aww, the video is private now. 🙁

    Well, I got to see him feed George, and that was adorable! But Ryan Gosling is already on my list — has been since The Notebook, since I was one of those teenage girls that you hated, lol — along with Channing Tatum and Michael Fassbender. Not sure who the last 2 spots belong to…

  • erica733

    1. Bradley Cooper
    2. Ryan Reynolds
    3. Carter Oosterhouse
    4. Johnny Depp
    5. David Beckham (but he’s not allowed to talk)

  • twodoghouse

    1. Jake Gyllenhaal
    2. Barack Obama
    3. Marshall Erickson (NOT Eric Segel – but the actual fictional character, Marshall Erickson)
    4. Heidi Klum
    5. Ron Weasley

  • EJoyner105

    First of all, when I saw Ed O’Brien, I thought Ed O’Neill, hahaha. Moment to take in that hilarity, please.

    My list…
    1. Donnie Wahlberg
    2. Mark Wahlberg
    (1 and 2 may be interchangeable)
    3. Blake Griffin
    4. Ryan Gosling (he is amazing)
    5. Um, dude..Christy Turlington’s husband. Seriously.

  • EJoyner105

    @pillworm You are SO RIGHT! I am totally stealing Jeff from Big Brother. He’s beauuuutiful and makes reality TV worth the loss of all brain cells!

  • Mammy_P

    Dang. I’m going to get myself in trouble, here. I have TWO lists: one looks quite a bit like the fine, fine lists you’ve all got going on:
    1. Colin Firth, but dressed as Mr Darcy
    2. Gerard Butler
    3. Dave Gahan
    4. Eddie Vedder
    5. Ewan McGregor

    But my second list is called my ‘Shouldn’t But Would’ list. As in, I shouldn’t fancy them, but if they asked me to swing pants with them I totally would. It’s like a list made up of people that you find completely sexy that makes other people go, “Ew! Really? HIM?! ARE YOU MAD?!”

    I have typed out my Shouldn’t But Would List here, and I’ve erased it. I’M TOO SHY!! Has anyone else got a Shouldn’t But Would?

  • tokenblogger

    I think I must be weird. I don’t think about having sex with celebrities I crush on.

    Here are my top five crushes:

    1. Anthony Hopkins
    2. Harrison Ford (I’m tellin’ ya he and my hubby could be brothers!)
    3. Jeff Bridges
    4. Oliver Platt
    5. Jake Gyllenhaal

    Oliver Reed died?

    I totally dated myself.

  • smithie1996

    1. Colin Firth
    2. Clive Owen
    3. Jon Hamm – from first season of Mad Men when he was a total asshole but a smoking hot one and he didn’t care that he was an alcoholic.
    4. Alan Rickman – he can read the telephone book to me
    5. Julian Sands – but only if he can be transported back to 1985 in Room With A View

  • JM

    1. Daniel Henney
    2. Daniel Henney
    3. Daniel Dae Kim
    4. Chow Yun Fat
    5. Andy Lau

    (Coincidentally, Henney and Paltrow were featured in the video advertisements for Bean Pole.)

  • glittermom

    1. Steven Tyler
    2.Robert Downey Jr.
    3.Patrick Bergin
    4.Chris Sarandon
    5.Lance Henrikson (ok, I love his voice..)

    Numbers 2-5 are changeable.

  • ChickWhitt

    Wow, this is doing bad things to my four months pregger hormones while I sit here at work with another hour before I can bang my husband!

    1. Ranger from the Stephanie Plum books
    2. Edward Cullen(not Rob) I want to be the reason for ripped pillows!
    3. Paul Rudd, amazing
    4. Kate Middleton
    5. Taylor Lautner as himself or Jacob Black, or both!

  • katdenk

    Big fan of the list, I’ve had one for years:

    1. Dave Grohl
    2. David Bowie
    3. Brad Pitt
    4. Robert Downey Jr.
    5. Andy Samberg

  • twinsmomma4

    1. Mark Wahlberg
    2. Rufus Sewell
    3. Jason Mamoa
    4. Joe Manganiello
    5. Johnny Depp

  • Nothing But Bonfires

    1. Evan Dando
    2. Jared Leto, but he’d have to let me call him Jordan Catalano
    3. Taylor Kitsch, but he’d have to let me call him Riggins
    4. Mark Ruffalo
    5. Peter Saaaarsgaaaaaard

  • alcmena924

    1. Taye Diggs
    2. Justin Timberlake
    3. Matt Damon
    4. Johnny Depp (Really, Captian Jack Sparrow)
    5. This guy on the Canadian Olympic diving team whose name I don’t remember but who is the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.

  • jan001

    1. Tom Selleck – he has had this spot since the days of Magnum PI, and damned if he doesn’t just get sexier and sexier, IMO.

    2. Jon Hamm – because have you seen the man??

    3. Don’t laugh but… Colin Mochrie. OK, go ahead and laugh. After all, he’s a comedian! There’s just something I find very attractive about a man who’s confident with good reason (but not arrogant), who can make me laugh which he does every night on “Whose Line”, sharp as hell, and who doesn’t take himself too seriously.

    4. Bill Clinton during his presidency. He’s gotten too gaunt for my taste now. Confident, articulate, smart, funny, just plain ol’ charming. Charismatic as hell, at least to me. And how shallow am I that I enumerate all these personal qualities and then discard him because of his current physical appearance. I’m sure he’ll be devastated when he hears.

    5. [This spot is temporarily vacant while I give it some more thought.]

  • OtakuGirl

    I was just making this list the other day in my head:

    1. Jake Gyllenhaal
    2. Johnny Depp
    3. Ryan Gosling
    4. John Barrowman (sadly not possible)
    5. Lady Gaga

  • civic483

    1. Colin Firth
    2. Paul Newman
    3. Matthew Macfadyen
    4. Bobby Flay
    5. Robert Pattinson

  • Bunneh

    I believe if you are bisexual you get 2 lists – I’m greedy.

    List 1:

    1. Tyron Leitso
    2. Lee Pace
    3. Nathan Fillion
    4. Ryan Gosling (popular fellow)
    5. Christian Bale

    (backups: Ewan McGregor, James McElroy, Ryan Reynolds, Robert Downey Jr… hmm… I think since I’m not married, I shouldn’t have to limit myself. I WILL TAKE ALL THE BEAUTIFUL MEN)

    List 2:

    1. Julia Stiles
    2. Kristen Bell
    3. Anna Friel
    4. Kate Miccuci
    5. [empty]

  • sarahdoow

    I’m not sure about the other four spots, but I do know that James McAvoy needs to be on my list. But only as Mr Tumnus. That’s not weird, is it?

  • BoltedMKE

    I would much prefer to read peoples’ hate-fuck lists.

  • Sadie923

    1. George Clooney
    2. Ryan Gosling (Photoshopped, indeed)
    3. Clive Owen
    4. Matthew Macfadyen (Pride & Prejudice)
    5. Christopher Gorham (Covert Affairs)

  • EliBailey

    1. Johnny Depp
    2. Ewan McGregor
    3. Ryan Reynolds
    4. Orlando Bloom
    5. Paul Rudd

    I doubt if anyone will ever move Johnny Depp out of first place for me. Ewan McGregor went up to second recently when I saw him on Graham Norton (hilarious!), and in Beginners. Will Smith, Ryan Gosling, and George Clooney are backups, and I’m sure I’m forgetting some . ..

  • Amy Jo

    #1 Gale Harold
    #2 James Iha
    #3 Gael Garcia Bernal
    #4 Jimmy Fallon
    #5 Val Kilmer circa Top Gun
    Bonus: Starbuck

  • Regency Romantic

    1. Liam Neeson
    2. Alan Rickman (don’t judge me, bish, – that VOICE!)
    3. Johnny Depp (especially in full Capt. Jack eye makeup…)
    4. Javier Bardem
    5. Robert Pattinson *runs away and hides, dodging tomatoes and fully justified catcalls* (Yes, I am old enough for this to be gross, but he’s so good at “intense and in pain” – I can’t help it!)

  • MarchelineB.

    1. Angelina Jolie

    2. Javier Bardem

    3. Peter Steele of Type O Negative

    4. Manu Bennett

    5. Jason Momoa

  • lisdom

    These lists encourage me that we all pretty much have different taste in men and women, with the exception of Johnny Depp.

  • tami.alv


    1. Bradley Cooper
    2. Jake Gyllenhaal
    3. Curtis Stone
    4. Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie (hey, how convenient is this one?)
    5. James McAvoy

  • twinsmomma4

    Mmmmmmmmmmmm…..Javier Bardem in Eat Pray Love..yum

  • malisams

    God, I love a good Bone List.

    1. Alexander Skarsgard
    2. Robert Downey Jr.
    3. Chris Martin
    4. Javier Bardem
    5. James Mcavoy

    I actually have a Pinterest board entirely dedicated to delicious mans. It is very. very. long.

    (Also, I’d never seen the video of Ryan Gosling…I love him, too. And helloooo Damon Albarn, where has HE been all my life?)

  • holyschist

    1. Timothy Olyphant
    2. Ewan McGregor
    3. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
    4. Michael Fassbender
    5. Hugh Jackman

  • DonnaMillerJung

    1. Jeffrey Dean Morgan
    2. Hugh Jackman
    3. Christian Slater (I was once attending a play in London that he was in, 4 rows from the front, and in one scene he was duct-taped to a weight machine. It took all my self-control to refrain from leaping on-stage and licking his whole body.)
    4. Clive Owen
    5. Chad Kroeger

  • Sarah Cate

    My best guy friend and I have agreed that no matter who you are, Angelina Jolie and Hugh Jackman are just givens, therefore the List of 5 does not need to include them.

    1. Karl Urban
    2. Sean Bean
    3. Lena Headey
    4. Tom Welling (who I recently found out is the same age as me! bye-bye guilt for perving on high school Clark Kent)
    5. Ian Somerhalder

  • yoheathero

    When I click on the video it says, “This video is private.” Did you have sex with him right after he broke up the fight? On tape? If so, this is your Kim Kardashian moment. Make it public girlfriend! 😉

  • Anna Potatoes

    I ran into Ryan Gosling in my grocery store once.. we made eye contact.. I kept him on my list because my response to meeting him was to HIDE so I appear COOL and not stalkerish… my husband has nothing to worry about sadly 🙁

  • prestonk9

    1. Gary Busey
    2. Nick Nolte
    Oh, wait – wrong list.

    Here we are…

    1. Jared Leto (aka Jordan Catalano)
    2. Jake Gyllenhaal
    3. Brody Miller
    4. Djimon Hounsou (from that b/w Janet Jackson video, you know the one)
    5. Keanu Reeves (aka Special Agent Johnny Utah)

  • alevai

    1. Aaron Stanford
    2. Julian Casablancas
    3. Amanda Palmer
    4. Carl Barat
    5. Freida Pinto

  • poopinginpeace

    1-Zachary Levi (from the show Chuck)
    2-Jon Bon Jovi (yes this dates me, but he has been and will ALWAYS be on my list)
    3-Bradley Cooper
    4-Timothy Olyphant
    5-Matthew Fox/Josh Holloway (it changes on my mood, but preferably both of them together! I was a big Lost fan.)

    I do tend to change my list from time to time, depending on who’s hot in the moment and which TV shows I’m watching. There’s a good chance someone might get replaced by Chris Evans fairly soon…

  • ellentyler

    For a moment I was confusing Ed O’Brien with Ed O’Neill, and I was slightly concerned for you.
    1. Ryan Gosling (of course)
    2. Michael C. Hall
    3. Ewan McGregor
    4. Jason Bateman
    5. Jake Gyllenhaal

  • Snarkmeister

    There is an ungodly lack of Clooney on these lists.

    1. Clooney
    2. Alan Rickman. Yes, it’s the voice. And also him playing Colonel Brandon in Sense & Sensibility. Yum.

    I don’t really care about the rest of the list. I don’t need five. Really, just Clooney or Rickman will do me just fine.

  • arishell

    I cannot believe that Sting has not made the list! You know that the sex would be fantastic and take all day. I would follow him into a desert.

    1. Sting
    2. Alan Rickman (but he has to arrive riding that black horse like in Sense and Sensibility.
    3. Ewan McGregor
    4. Nicholas Cage (before he got all strange)
    5. Colin Firth

    The alternates should not even be considered since I am WAY too old for them. Zack Efron and Devon Bostick (Diary of a wimpy kid 2)

  • Norabloom

    1. Leonardo DiCaprio
    2. Michael Pitt (esp. his character in Boardwalk Empire)
    3. Tom Hardy
    4. Javier Bardem
    5. Peter Sarsgaard

    Wondering: why do straight women almost invariably choose Angelina Jolie as the one woman they’d fuck? For once, I’d really like to hear a straight woman say, “I’d really like to fuck … e.g. Kate Winslet /Rosario Dawson / Salma Hayek / Halle Berry / Parker Posey / Neko Case / etc. Maybe it’s just me, but I think “Angelina Jolie” has become the popular, safe choice.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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