An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Featured community question wherein I get my Scrooge on

This one comes from member Gettysburg Mom:

Let’s start with the glass half full, shall we?

Favorite Things

– Sliding across the hardwood floors in wool socks.

– The smell of wood-burning chimneys even though I know they are terrible for the environment. You know what else is? My butt.

– Really gaudy Christmas light displays, especially ones involving giant blow-up versions of cartoon characters that have nothing to do with the holidays. Like a 15-foot tall SpongeBob. That shit is Christmas.

– Donnie and Marie Osmond.

– Cinnamon.

– That one animated version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer because it “creeps” Leta out.

– The look on Chuck’s face when he sees me approaching with an enema a string of garland.

– Witnessing my kids explode with excitement and remembering how electrifying that used to feel.

– Christmas ornaments from my childhood.

– Watching The Wizard of Oz as a family in our bed after all the presents have been opened and then assuring Leta that green witches do, in fact, exist.

– Moments like this morning when Leta asked, “You know how Santa, like, is always aware of when I’m bad? Well, then why doesn’t he just know what I want for Christmas?” And because I hadn’t even put on my clothes or had my coffee, I hesitated a little too long. So she answered her own question, “I just have to say it out loud so he can hear it, right?” I’m pretty sure she’s safe to raise herself from here.

Least favorite things (here’s where you read my website, and then when you meet me in person you’re like, “I thought you were going to be so mean!”)

– Christmas music in stores.

– Christmas music in the car.

– Christmas music at my mom’s house.

– The ceramic Christmas rooster at my mom’s house.

– Wrapping presents. (What? That’s your favorite part? Then you can come over and wrap mine. I’ll give you pizza.)

– Figuring out what presents to buy for everyone. This is Jon’s most favorite part, so Christmas shopping is the most harmonious part of our marriage. We happily skip through stores, and then I stop and punch a giant Christmas bear in the face.

– When people ask me why I still celebrate Christmas when I stopped going to church. Last time I checked, the church doesn’t have a monopoly on the desire to spend time with your family and generously give to those who are important to you and those who are in need. Or sometimes I’ll just be ornery and say, “Because Santa died for our sins.”

Scraping snow off of the car. Oops, sorry. Broken record.

– When my mother purposefully gives my children toys that make loud noises without an option of volume control. Inevitably, those toys mysteriously end up crawling into traffic.

What about you guys?

  • slappyintheface

    I am so mailing you the James Taylor Christmas CD and it will be wrapped in pretty paper with multiple bows and oh yes … there will be glitter inside !!!

  • Wombat Central


    -Christmas cookies
    -“All I Want for Christmas” by Mariah Carey (don’t judge!)
    -Watching my kids open gifts
    -The smell of pine (now in exciting candle form since we’ve moved to a fake tree)
    -Sparkly trees and lights lining the streets


    -Rabid consumerism
    -Buying *something* for people who need NOTHING
    -The bills that follow (oy!)
    -Seeing Christmas stuff in stores before Halloween
    -I’m with Heather on the music–less is more. For an entire month (or more) before Christmas? Not so much.

  • NicoleC

    Love: Strong eggnog.
    Hate: The morning after strong eggnog.

  • dianemaggipintovoiceover

    l o a t h e
    the ads i produce for radio and tv with copy that says “for all your holiday needs”

    l o v e
    that jews celebrate with chinese food and sleeping in

    but worst of all? those christmas in july sales

  • jaclyngelb

    I’m Jewish. My least favorite thing is watching ya’ll go increasingly boingo as the hallowed day approaches. My favorite thing is going to Park City to ski, because everything is decorated so beautifully and we snuggle up in our condo and watch the snow. And everyone is so extra kind and happy on Christmas Eve and Day.

  • blondebomber

    I am pleasantly surprised to stumble upon this list. I recently did something similar, by compiling a list of 100 things I am thankful for . On my list, I mentioned the importance of remembering my favorite things, especially in times of frustration or sadness. It’s a really great tool for putting things in perspective, plus it sets us up to be grateful for all that we have. Thank you for sharing this with me.

  • Missybeme

    – Enjoying the time with family on Christmas/Eve
    – Baking all the christmas cookies with “the girls” in our “Sweat Shop”
    -Seeing all the decorations.

    -Wrapping presents (my mom loves it and does all the bows, mine are lucky if they get a peel and stick bow on them!)
    – Dealing with the crowds shopping. I know I can shop for stuff online, but sometimes you just have to go to the store for something.
    – I hate decorating my own house, seems like such a hassel to put it all up and take it all down. I didn’t do squat last year except for a string of lights in the window and a flag outside so I didn’t look like a complete scrooge.

  • jearbear

    You don’t have to be a Christian to celebrate Christmas. Really, the whole presents & Christmas tree thing has nothing to do with Jesus anyway!

    Since pizza is my favorite food in the world and I love wrapping presents, I’ll be at your house Christmas Eve!

    I also hate trying to figure out what to buy people. I want to buy them presents, but some people are so difficult to buy for. My in-laws are like that. I spend so much time & energy trying to figure out what they’ll like, but then they never tell me if they got it or liked it, or what! (we live in a different town). And my husband’s nieces and nephews never send thank you notes or even text or call to say they got our presents, so a couple of years ago I just gave up after 9 years of trying so hard. I feel a lot better about christmas now!! Oh, and I don’t feel like my mother in law ever spent as much time worrying about if I would like a present…she would always buy me something red, when blue is my fave color and I’m a red head who doesn’t wear much red!

    Christmas stopped being exciting a long time ago once I became an adult, but I’m excited this year because my daughter turns 2 on Dec 3 and I think she will be happy about her birthday and Christmas presents!

    Can’t wait to see pics of Marlo & Leta from Christmas!

  • ladygray

    I’ll take all your Christmas carols off your hands, ’cause they are my freaking favorite part. My husband is bemused by my habit of waking up and turning XM radio to one of their 5 Christmas Carol stations before even starting the coffee pot. I love ’em, I sing along to them, I make my toddler dance to them… but I won’t listen to them until after Thanksgiving. That shit’s just rude. 🙂

  • Gypsy

    I am so. with. you.

    I hate all Christmas music. I also hate wrapping presents and picking them out. I love when people GET presents from me, but I hate the stress of coming up with just the right thing.

    Once, my old neighbor made me his own Christmas CD mix, called Cryin’ Christmas. It was meant to assuage my Christmas music hating pain. And while it is funny, it is still Christmas music, and I still hate it.

    Also, I hate Christmas travel and the stress of which parent gets to see us when. And I hate, most of all, knowing how lonely my husband’s mother is on the years we don’t get to see her on Christmas day.

  • euriphides

    I may have missed this in another comment, but if you put clear tape over the speakers on toys that make loud noises without and option for volume control, it reduces said noises tremendously – and most small children never realize the tape is there. 😀

    Hope this helps you have a more merry Christmas, no matter what your folks get for your kids.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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