This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Hair, day forty-six

Welcome, rubberneckers, to the egomaniacal, narcissistic, bipolar meltdown you have been promised would happen by the hate sites! (It’s too bad they aren’t on my payroll, because HOO, the pageviews) To tell you the truth, even I can’t wait to watch this train wreck happen because when my brain explodes all those Skittles in there are going to scatter everywhere. A RAINBOW!

(I know, another post that was supposed to be about my hair that has nothing to do with my hair. I can’t even keep my posts straight. Yet another sign that I’m losing my mind. Someone please step in and get me some help! I NEED BETTER HANDLERS.)

What should I do first? Shed my clothes and run nude through Temple Square? Maybe have an argument in public with an imaginary friend? While wearing a giant bird costume and waving a vibrator?

The level of my fame is so minuscule in comparison to actual celebrity, but that does not make it any less strange to read the words of strangers who are publicly delighting in my pain, strangers who are actively rooting for me to break down. I’ve known to avoid reading it, but then the amount of it became so abundant that it bubbled up and spilled over into my lap, and wow. There it was. I politely wiped it to the side, but then another wave hit. And in the middle of that next dump someone said that they were going to make an anonymous call to try and get my kids taken out of my custody.

I hate to disappoint some of you, but that meltdown isn’t going to happen. I’ve been seeing a therapist pretty regularly since Leta was born, and yesterday she told me that I didn’t need to come back, that the work she’s been trying to get me to do for eight years is done. In fact, I had a pretty big breakthrough about a month ago, so big that after I left she did a tap dance in her office. I asked her to recreate that moment so that I could take video of it and post it here, but she’s a lot like my mom and enjoys flipping me the bird.

At the core of the work that I have been doing is letting go of the fear of standing up for myself. That probably seems asinine because my writing can be abrasive and polarizing, and how can a woman with a mouth as dirty as mine have any trouble standing up for herself? Well, a lot of trouble, actually. Especially in person. And any time I’ve attempted to do so online I’m labeled a bully or a delicate flower or lectured on the reasons I should ignore it.

The fact is that I do ignore almost all of it. It’s a relentless stream that rolls through my email and across twitter and in and out of other websites. But this morning I was sitting at my desk minding my own business when I caught the edge of another wave, and I thought, what the hell am I afraid of?

And you know what? Not a goddamned thing. Fuck them. Fuck all of them. People will use the fact that I am saying this as proof that I’m having a meltdown, and those people can go fuck themselves, too. Because when my therapist reads this she is going to get up and do the moonwalk behind her desk.

(If you even try to leave a mean comment I will delete your ass.)

  • lisdom

    love. this. post.

  • Rachaeljoy

    oh gosh, I haven’t checked your blog in a while, and I haven’t seen any mention of it anywhere else lately.. maybe I follow the wrong sites? Anyway I only popped in because I was lured by the promise of a hair pic. I am now amused, No hate! Just hair! hahaha. [I am seriously in need of a hair make over so all things hair interest me, currently!]

    -You’re doing fine, too, rawr!!

  • kristanhoffman

    So much congratulations on your therapy journey and breakthrough. That’s a huge deal, and I hope you at least had a cupcake to celebrate. If you didn’t already, do it now! I recommend strawberry. 😉

    Also, you may never have to go back, but even if you do, I’m sure your therapist will continue dancing, because that too would be an affirmation of your self-awareness and continued commitment to yourself.

  • Shea

    Geez. I absolutely adore you.

    And I am thankful that I haven’t seen one iota of negative media about you. I remember that one time you dedicated a whole site to their grumbling, and I was in awe. I was amazed.

    I don’t know why this comes to you. I don’t think it has anything to do with celebrity. It appears reminiscent of a zombie movie where they are all walking in the same direction with their arms stuck out in front of them repeating whatever the hell it is they are saying. In this post I think you take care of them nicely ’cause it seems like they are just wanting someone to hate them as much as they hate themselves.

    Way to annihilate the zombies, Heather!

  • twirlyShells

    Love, love, love! Go Heather!

  • Marinka

    Keep standing up, Heather.

    xo

  • tokenblogger

    Okay, I’ll admit it. I’ve googled the hate and read it, too. Because I just want to know how bad it is and who is putting it out there. I can’t seem to help myself.

    Of course you know I don’t like everything you blog (and yes, I did notice the past 12-18 months your postings have changed) but I keep coming back hoping for more of the stuff I do like (sometimes several times a day).

    And I will also admit that I feel the worst for the girls and Jon (because the girls have always had their dad at home and because Jon had to leave his home and his girls). I do feel for you, too — but you’re still home with the girls and the dogs! You have more comforts at hand.

    That’s just how the whole thing affects me, which isn’t even important to you and your family and doesn’t really matter.

  • e2wcoastmom

    Now that was a post worthy of retrieving my password to comment.

    Wahoo!!

    You go, girl!!

  • RathrBeAtWrigley

    Fuck the haters. Just be you. (And your hair looks fabulous, by the way.)

  • Mom Gone Mad

    Good God – Why are there so many haters out there! Good for you Heather for telling them to piss off and stading up for yourself. You are an inspiration to the majority of us out here. And, for the rest that want to take the easy way out and point their fingers at others to make their shortcomings less noticable – PISS OFF!

  • starlounging

    haters gonna hate. I just signed in to tell you I 100% agree with you.

    I’ve been reading your posts for years, and I have enjoyed them but haven’t really commented much. I just wanted to say that any person who thinks they can be mean and vile to people on the internet simply because they are successful/popular is no better than those that bully in middle school. We’re adults now, though, and supposed to be done with that?

    I’m wishing you and your family all of the best.

  • Wowzers

    Bring it BABAAAAAY!!

    LMFAO Embrace your inner BITCH, baby!

    Now…about that blouse in the Levi post…:)

  • hillcram

    FINALLY RESET MY PASSWORD!

    Which I did, just so I could comment and say, HELL YEAH, BABY. Defend, defend, defend. You go girl. Preach on sista.

    I could keep going, but I’m pretty sure you get the point.

  • k.wren

    YEAHHHH GET IT Heather! I am proud of you.. stay strong lady!

  • musickatt

    I’m trying REALLY hard to come up with a mean comment, because you promised to delete my ass, and I’m on this diet, and so my ass definitely needs some deleting, so here it goes: The hell with all those big meanie, cry baby wanna-be bad asses that delight in saying stupid shit. They’ve probably never run a marathon. They’ve probably never given birth without medication. They’ve probably never been smart enough to seek help and outside assistance when it was needed. They probably aren’t super fabulous moms to their kids. They probably don’t even have CUTE kids!!! I bet they can’t pull off the growing out stage of their hair. A big suck it to all of your critics!

    Damn, I was as mean as I could be, and my ass. Still there.

  • Elizabeth in Chicago

    My twitter is locked, so I knew you wouldn’t see it if I responded to the whole thing, but –

    I’m about to graduate with my MSW, and I’m going to be a therapist, and I wanted to stand next to you and cheer you on, waving my middle fingers with you at those people like fucking pom poms.

    Standing up to people who are needlessly cruel can be paralyzing. I am so happy and proud of you for doing that.

  • ldq

    Go Heather!!!!

    That was totally brave!

    The haters are the ones with the pressing need for intervention. Seriously, who puts all that time and energy into hating so much? ISSUES

    Enough about them…that was 10 seconds I’m not getting back. 🙂

  • MeandThem

    Well done Grasshappa, well done.

  • deminimis

    I was reading the comments from an earlier post and can’t believe some of the things people say. I love the comments that claim to be trying to save your business, but I especially love the ones that end with “lost another one”, or something to that effect. So much so, that I went searching for a tweet that I read awhile ago.

    “Declaring UNFOLLOW to someone on twitter is like shouting “I’m leaving!” at free concert.”
    -@rainnwilson

    I know, or at least I would love to believe that the great majority of your readers are here because they love your writing, and are personally rooting for you all the way.

    We want to be sitting in that roller coaster car with you. Laughing nervously at each other while it’s slowly climbing the hill, and experiencing that “oh shit” moment when it hangs at the top, and we can’t see the bottom! Feeling our stomachs drop through the little whoopty do hills. Screaming and cussing all the way to the end. Just to realize it wasn’t so bad after all, and running back to get in line again.

    Hopefully that’s not just me, because then that metaphor might seem a little silly…

  • OwlMoonKLH

    You. Rock! 🙂

  • nluvwthmybstfrnd

    We are all rooting for you and So proud of you! And, yeah. FUCK. THEM. You are fucking awesome in my book.

  • Caro

    When I was going thru my own separation two years ago-imagine that I LEFT my kids and husband. Oh the judgement-I sent you an e-mail to thank you for one of the Marlo baby pictures you had posted. Looking into her eyes at the end of one of the worst days of my life somehow managed to make me feel better. I have kept that e-mail since. It serves as a reminder of all the shit I have managed to overcome and also because though you consider yourself to be a minor celebrity Heather; what you are is someone who has come to mean a lot to us. Call it nuts, I call it a testament to your talent. Dooce is unique and beautiful thing.

    Just like you.

    I love your hair. I love your honesty.

    Thank you, for sharing all of it with us.

  • poopinginpeace

    I love your hair updates! I hope the email I sent you this morning helped you to say Fuck you to all of the haters, because that was my point. All those jerks can suck it. You sill survive. (Sorry to quote cheesy songs.)

  • Ashley_the Accidental Olympian

    Anyone who spends their time trying to bring you down is clearly really fucking miserable in their own life. And also, doesn’t actually have their own life.

    Your life is hard right now, and some people want to take joy in that, but the rest of us decent human beings read with compassion, empathy and support after each and every post.

    Thank you for sharing your life with us, and we’d never want to see that end because of a few loud mouthed assholes. Much love.

  • fableq

    I love you. Haters can suck it. You rock. Hugs.

  • jmvalentine

    Heather, your words and openness are inspiring and comforting to all of us who are also experiencing heartbreak and other types of emotional devastation. For every hater, you have two supporters who would gladly gang up on that hater and go all 3rd grade recess on his or her pariah ass. Thank you for sharing your pain with us, as weird as that sound, because (at least for me) it validates every similar feeling I’ve ever had when the people in my life made me feel like my feelings were wrong.

  • femmeknitzi

    Look, I haven’t been here that long. I haven’t followed your every move. I don’t get the celebrity thing either, because you’re just a blogger that my friend said, “hey go read her, she’s funny and posts cute pictures of her kids and dogs.”

    But in the year or so that I’ve been reading this blog, I do NOT get why there are people that hate on you so much. I don’t get how anyone could get something evil or malicious out of this blog. That’s some serious Hater McHaterson shit going on there.

    All I get from your posts is blunt, raw, emotional honesty–the kind that reminds us that life is hard, everyone, everywhere is struggling, no one is perfect and we should just be nice to each other already.

    I don’t agree with everything you say and do, but so what? That’s not my business. I just like the pictures of the adorable kids and the funny dogs and the daily reminder that we’re going to make it through, no matter what.

    We’re all in this together and fuck the rest of them that prefer to rip us all apart.

  • carinlilly

    Now you need to get some fabulous vintage rainbow barrettes to go with that fabulous attitude. At least thats what I did when I was growing out my hair. The barrettes, not the attitude, of which I say “hooray for Heather!”

  • e2wcoastmom

    Now that’s a post!

    You go, girl!!!

  • specialkrispy

    Bravo, Heather. We stand up for you, too. At least I did on the SLTrib comments. You really are one of my heroes.

  • Heather too

    Even though your therapist has released you, I hope you have considered the possibility that some extra meds may be necesssary to help you through the additional stress you’re under. My philosophy: better living through chemistry! (when necessary).

    Obviously, we both know that meds can’t fix the problems, but they enable us to cope with them better.

    I can’t believe people read your blog and then send you hate mail. You live your life on the blog for our “enjoyment”, and you’re entitled to say and feel whatever you want. Why don’t these people just stop reading you if it bugs them so much?

    You keep doing what you’re doing, Heather. The majority of us are in your corner, rain and shine.

  • kheliwud

    ***High 5****
    Treat them like a dog would would: if you can’t eat it, or play with it, then pee on it!!! (The all-ages version)

    Serious good vibes to you and yours!

  • bardellisgirl

    Good for you!

  • Syveril

    You made me laugh out loud. Congratulations on “graduating” therapy.

  • fishsticked

    Damn! I was all set to write an ignorant, passive aggressive comment that talked about you, your life, your hair, and your family in really cruel ways for no reason but. And this is a big BUT. I couldn’t because you’re so fucking confident now!

    But seriously, what will those people do without being able to tear apart someone they don’t know? You realize how much your breakthrough is going to impact the assholes? It will be like the moment that Truman walks out of the dome and Ed Harris is panicking and the rest of the world has to find a new show to watch. You’re going to make those assholes change the channel!

  • EliBailey

    YAY! This makes me very happy, to see you finally putting aside all politeness and telling the haters to fuck off, because that’s exactly what they need to hear. It’s absolutely ridiculous to treat other people the way they treat you just because you aren’t right in front of them in person. This is a good thing to stand up for and be angry about. Anger can be good; it kept me alive for two years during my separation/divorce, and it can be armor for you against the haters.

    And your hair looks great! 🙂

  • abiku

    As a wise man once said, “Fuck the fucking fucks.”

    Like I said in Email, which you may or may not have read, I’m hoping the best for you and your family.

  • debramac

    Rock On Sister Friend

  • Issa

    I just kinda want to stand up and applaud. Truly. I think you’ve dealt really well considering. Also I stand by what I said on Twitter earlier…sometimes we have to stand up and say, enough is enough. Even if it doesn’t stop them, at least you stood up for yourself.

    Randomly, I’ve helped take two children away from my cousin. However she still has custody of two others. Even though her husband is on the National Sex Offender registry. Even though they used to cook meth in their bathroom. Even though she could be on hoarders. It’s not easy to take kids away from horrible parents. Yeah…you’re good.

    I hate that anyone would even fake threaten you with that. I also know that in reality a hater can talk a lot of smack, but they’re just a hater.

  • Lunashademom

    Fuck yeah! Your hair looks great by the way. <3

  • jen.yaya

    From one therapy success story to another, all I could think when I read this was “Hells Bells, FINALLY!!!” and “FUCK YEAH.”

    People thinking they know enough of the intricacies of your marriage to make ANY statement on it… is hilarious.

  • kiss-my-kitty

    I know it can be frustrating and difficult to avoid the temptation to give in to the haters by acknowledging them publically, but I swear you will be all the better for it if you can hold your tongue – on your blog at least. Haters will always hate, but you don’t have to play right into their hands by alluding to them – subtly, or in this case, not so subtly – on your blog. Giving them attention only adds fuel to the fire. But I’m sure you know all of this.

    On an unrelated note, I wish you, Jon, and Leta and Marlo the best during this very stressful, heartbreaking time.

  • bambooska

    Why isn’t this the final stage of your hair again? 🙂

    I personally really am into long hair for women, but I can’t help making an exception for you. You look fabulous with short hair… too! I don’t get it!

    PS: For every hater, fifteen lovers.

  • ChrisB

    People are really unbelievable. The haters might try getting a life and ending their misery.
    Much love going your way!

  • anne_cunningham

    this was FANTASTIC! … i kind of want to say something nasty though, because you sort of alluded to the fact that you could “DELETE MY ASS” which would be cool because than i could fit into my skinny jeans! but i’m tooooooooooooooooo fucking stuck on the f-word right now, the FANTASTIC PART! … BTWway … ROCK.THE.FUCK.ON! OUT LOUD!

  • Tfer

    I read your tweet in the morning and my face got a big grin on it.. now I read this and I am so happy for you that I even forgot my password, LMAO!!

    Fuck them all, indeed!

  • michou83

    HELL TO THE FUCK YES.

    I came to the realization (after leaving therapy as we were at a standstill) that I have a very similar problem. I have no problem standing up for others or the rights of human beings in general… but when it comes to doing things that I need for myself, I freeze. I just want to climb under a rock and stay there forever.

    I’m looking forward to seeing your recovery and how you can make your life better for yourself and your kids. :hugs:

    Give ’em hell, Heather. Give ’em hell.

  • Kathie M.

    Amen, sister. You know what this post really needs to make it perfect? Jazz Hands.

  • arielsara

    If you do that whole bird costume/vibrator thing I want pictures. Possibly video. Good for you, sweetheart.

  • Lauren3

    YEAAHHHH BOOOOEEEEYYYYYY!

    Now that’s a BONG.

    Much love.