This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Hair, day forty-six

Welcome, rubberneckers, to the egomaniacal, narcissistic, bipolar meltdown you have been promised would happen by the hate sites! (It’s too bad they aren’t on my payroll, because HOO, the pageviews) To tell you the truth, even I can’t wait to watch this train wreck happen because when my brain explodes all those Skittles in there are going to scatter everywhere. A RAINBOW!

(I know, another post that was supposed to be about my hair that has nothing to do with my hair. I can’t even keep my posts straight. Yet another sign that I’m losing my mind. Someone please step in and get me some help! I NEED BETTER HANDLERS.)

What should I do first? Shed my clothes and run nude through Temple Square? Maybe have an argument in public with an imaginary friend? While wearing a giant bird costume and waving a vibrator?

The level of my fame is so minuscule in comparison to actual celebrity, but that does not make it any less strange to read the words of strangers who are publicly delighting in my pain, strangers who are actively rooting for me to break down. I’ve known to avoid reading it, but then the amount of it became so abundant that it bubbled up and spilled over into my lap, and wow. There it was. I politely wiped it to the side, but then another wave hit. And in the middle of that next dump someone said that they were going to make an anonymous call to try and get my kids taken out of my custody.

I hate to disappoint some of you, but that meltdown isn’t going to happen. I’ve been seeing a therapist pretty regularly since Leta was born, and yesterday she told me that I didn’t need to come back, that the work she’s been trying to get me to do for eight years is done. In fact, I had a pretty big breakthrough about a month ago, so big that after I left she did a tap dance in her office. I asked her to recreate that moment so that I could take video of it and post it here, but she’s a lot like my mom and enjoys flipping me the bird.

At the core of the work that I have been doing is letting go of the fear of standing up for myself. That probably seems asinine because my writing can be abrasive and polarizing, and how can a woman with a mouth as dirty as mine have any trouble standing up for herself? Well, a lot of trouble, actually. Especially in person. And any time I’ve attempted to do so online I’m labeled a bully or a delicate flower or lectured on the reasons I should ignore it.

The fact is that I do ignore almost all of it. It’s a relentless stream that rolls through my email and across twitter and in and out of other websites. But this morning I was sitting at my desk minding my own business when I caught the edge of another wave, and I thought, what the hell am I afraid of?

And you know what? Not a goddamned thing. Fuck them. Fuck all of them. People will use the fact that I am saying this as proof that I’m having a meltdown, and those people can go fuck themselves, too. Because when my therapist reads this she is going to get up and do the moonwalk behind her desk.

(If you even try to leave a mean comment I will delete your ass.)

  • lucidlotus

    The bajillion of us that read your words on the daily have come to love you because you lay it all out there. Why should anyone expect any less of you while you’re going through one of the worst life stressors? I say get it all out, no festering allowed.

    I see a lot of bravery in you and I certainly appreciate any woman who can get up and say fuck you to the haters, trolls and bullies.

    Doing the moonwalk in solidarity. Albeit very, very poorly.

    Also, your hair is fantastic.

  • delaney042

    Hi. I just wanted to say a belated thanks for the sentiment of this post and many others. Ibid to a bunch of stuff that folks before me said. AND…I like the hair.

  • mizburd

    I agree with your therapist (not that it matters). You’re doing very well. If you decide to run nude through Temple Square, argue with an imaginary friend while wearing a chicken costume *and* waving a dildo (or whatever you said), especially if you decide to do all those at once, please alert the media! And as a friend of mine is fond of saying, joke ’em if they can’t take a f–k!

  • mizburd

    Oh, and thank you for spelling “minuscule” correctly.

  • Yolanda

    Fucking fuck them. SO fucking fuck them. Anyone cheering for anything other than a happy ending to this current situation deserves nothing more than your middle finger. End of story. Fuuuuuucccccckkkkkk Them.

  • TurdFerguson

    Some people just love to see other people fail. It’s like my Dad used to say.
    “Opinions are like butt holes, everyone has one”. You go girl!

  • Rachel_K

    I agree – fuck them all. I can only imagine what the idiot peanut galleries are saying – I don’t read any of them and have no desire to. You are awesome. Good thoughts being sent you way.

  • TxSuzyQ

    How humans can delight in the pain of others is beyond me. The only thing I can figure is that they are miserable and can only get through each day hoping there is someone on the planet more miserable than them.

    I agree. Fuck’em!

  • zimmy

    I don’t normally leave comments….I’m just a silent stalker ;)…..but after everything you’ve been through recently, I freaking LOVE your attitude right now! Bravo!

  • nroliver

    I know you don’t need our affirmations right now, in your moment of triumph and strength. But good job Heather. You’re worth it. Everyone is.

  • Marianne

    Good for you, Heather! Love you ~ xxoo Marianne

  • Kristinahnah

    Heather-
    I have been reading you for years and for real just got off of my virtual ass to join your community stuff all sos I could say you are beast, and the essence and beauty of your shit is that you keep it real. And I more than appreciate an appropriately timed swear word or 5.
    Thanks for preachin’ it! I think you’re a rock star, if that means anything.
    word.

  • preppypitbull

    Fuck the haters. I think you’re awesome and you inspire me as a woman and a mom. I hope the haters just stop and let you get on with your life. You’re making great progress from what I read, and I really hope things get even better from here. Thinking of you from outside Philly.

  • Tanis

    Kudos to you, keep it up.

  • MelissaJ

    i’m pretty sure you are stealing my mantra: fuck ’em!

    good for break throughs…good for you!

    all the rest…FUCK ‘EM!

  • sherylwx4

    Your therapist let you go, during a seperation? Whether your “well” or not, that is very suprising…
    Usually we insist on continual contact throughout
    significant life changes…

    Best of luck with your new found freedom- from your therapist- not Jon.

  • Apepito2011

    Heather, you tell all of those cheese-dicks to suck it.

  • TheSkyIsOverrated

    Miserable low-life nobodys. Fukem. All.

    You are an amazing person.

  • raddit

    Here’s sending a shitload of love from a total stranger. And I am on almost exactly the same grow-out schedule as you from a *very* similar cut. This shit is painful. But you look fantastic. Fuck the haters. You have been an inspiration in my life for the past 7 years.

  • Tirzah

    Yessssss!!!! I’m happy that you aren’t holding back, though I know it isn’t always easy. Inhale love, exhale hate!

  • jordan

    I cannot even begin to express how much the line “At the core of the work that I have been doing is letting go of the fear of standing up for myself. ” speaks to me on so many levels. There is so much here, full of strength and support. I have been reading you ongoing since 2004 and there have been SO many instances when your words and writing have helped me through a horrendous situation. I thought my work was done, and yet there is always more work to be done. I used to joke with my mom that I was sure when I was checking off the boxes of what I wanted to experience in my life that the situation I was in was not one of them, that I had already experienced enough “character development.” But as we all know, that which doesn’t break you only makes you stronger… and this too shall pass.

    Recently I was watching a video about Laird Hamilton (complete badass in many ways) and he was talking about how the worst thing he can do is to live a disingenuous life not only for himself but for his family. And I think that is something that I think a lot of people miss in life, I think they get so caught up in doing what they think they need or should do instead of what they know is the real true them. We each know what it is for us, it is the Jiminy Cricket on our shoulder. The tragedy is when we don’t listen. As Bill Clinton has said “most of our life’s greatest wounds are self-inflicted.” That to me is the real strength, to live a true life. Because it is only through a true life that we are able to not only live the best life for ourselves, but it is so the best thing we can do for those we love because then we are giving them the best of ourselves.

    When my parents got a divorce it took me a long time to understand that parents apart and happy, are forever better parents then those that are unhappy together. Because as I so unfortunately learned the hard way, we kids end of living out the role models of our parents and if we don’t deal with it we are destined to relive it.

    So…. anyway, the short comment is, go on with your bad-self. Keep being the rockstar that you are, and yes, what are we afraid of, being as amazing as we can be?

  • Bluecat33

    I have found, in my 45 years on this planet, that people who espouse the kind of hatred focused on you are usually so jacked up themselves and so incapable of introspection that they must project their insecurity and possible hatred of themselves onto others. It does not surprise me that you have so many haters, and here’s why. You are honest. You are open, and raw, and not afraid to say things and put yourself out there. And I really appreciate the fact that you do. I read your book and appreciated you for the fact that you shared your harrowing experience with others so that those who have experienced the same thing not only know they aren’t alone, but that you can come out the other side still alive and thriving. I read your blog on a regular basis for the same reason. I realize that your writing is both cathartic and vicarious, and it’s that part of you that’s willing to lay yourself open that is so appealing to me and many, many, many others – we far outnumber the jacked up people who have so much work to do on themselves they just can’t face it. I’m glad you’re realizing that their opinions really have nothing to do with you. It’s all about them. Keep on keeping on. I will definitely keep on reading and relating. I APPRECIATE you. (yes, caps lock was required on that one.)

  • sunnygirlsf

    hello! long time reader here (feels like I’m a caller on a radio show)… I have to write to say “I’m so proud of you!” Who has the guts to have their life so public and then go through the situations you’ve had to deal with. AND you graduated from therapy?!! way to go!!

    about your “what am I afraid of?” realization – I had the VERY SAME ONE a week or so ago. conflict at work (silly coworkers, it can’t be my fault!) 🙂 and as I avoided certain hallways where certain people have offices, I realized I was accommodating those people and giving in to them when really, why am I afraid of them? I don’t fear them. Something clicked inside me and I somehow became happier in that moment – or more free anyway.

    keep writing. I’m reading.

    PS: tell chuck hi for me. long time fan of his too. love the tissue photo this week.

  • mychildrensmama

    oh, sweet girl… as my second daughter says…people pay much more attention to themselves than they do to you…. which i take to mean “anyone who is busy criticizing you, doesn’t have anything else to do with their lives…”
    you have a community here who supports you and loves you… and we don’t even get to see you every day! don’t let those other people influence how you feel about yourself or about how you’re handling life! you’re doing the best you can at the moment, and that’s all any of us can do.
    one of the things i especially love about you is how you WILL open up to strangers and let us ‘in’; do you know how very brave that is?
    keep on keepin’ on…. and know that so very many of us, who will never have the opportunity to give you a hug in person, want only the best for you.
    with love.

  • SushiForBaby

    I LOVE it! You tell ’em. And if they don’t listen, I’ll tell ’em. Fuck them all.

    You are amazing!! So proud of you.

  • suzanneartist

    Glad to hear you’ve reached that wonderful point of being centered in your core. For some of us it takes a few more decades to reach that place. And it usually take a difficult situation to become centered-that is if you weren’t raised by a totally functional family that made you feel validated and treasured every second of the day.

    I’m sorry you’ve been the target of some frivolously nasty posts. I’m always amazed at how women can turn on women and why? Wishing you much success as you move forward as well as that of your separated partner Jon as I believe you’re both good people who’ve embarked on a new but necessary crossroad.

    SU

  • sleighly

    dooce, you the mothafuckin’ woman.

  • WhatSarahSaid

    OH MY GOD. YOUR BRAIN IS MADE OUT OF SKITTLES TOO? So, do you bleed rainbows? Has anyone ever tried the “I’d taste your rainbow” pick-up line at the candy bar? At least we are never the most boring person at a party…and if a party is boring, we have one in our head!

    Also, your interpretive dancer therapist is my new favorite person. The world needs more people like that. And you, because HOLY SHIT how do you look so good from that angle?

  • zeegirl602

    Wow do I so related to being afraid of standing up for myself. Good for you, Heather.

    I’ve been reading this site since 2004 and while I was sad to hear about your separation with Jon, it sounds like you’re doing what you need to do to be happy and whole and that is so admirable. I hope for the best for both of you and your girls (and the dogs!)

    Don’t worry about the haters. No one knows what is between you and Jon but you and Jon, and no one else gets a say. Fuck ’em. 😉

  • The Bold Soul

    This just might be the healthiest post you’ve ever written. The critics will criticize it, too, but think of it this way: clearly, criticizing you makes them happy because then they don’t have to look at their own pathetic lives. So really, every time you piss these losers off, you’re really spreading a little bit of happiness at the same time. You’re a force for good. Rock on.

    PS I once wrote the most innocent blog post about how there are still a few ancient “Turkish” toilets in Paris, and you would not believe the criticism I got for THAT stupid post. Like, people calling me names because I prefer a toilet I can park my ass on instead of having to squat over a hole in the floor? I mean, seriously? Trolls are trolls are trolls.

  • amzorbas

    I LOVE that you are taking a stand for yourself, your life and your feelings – without apology! This blog post is an inspiration to public figures and anonymous folks alike. Seriously – rock on, lady. We are right here with you, fist pumping and all.

  • just beth

    Bahahahahahhaaaa! FUCK YEAH! xoxoxo, b.

  • DeeBee6

    Amen!
    Never stop believing in the amazing you!
    You will pull through this, and 10 years from now… if we’re not right out laughing about it, atleast it’s worth a few chuckles!

  • fudgeit

    well it’s about fucking time you told the haters where to go, innit?

  • rebeccadpierce

    I just can’t understand why anyone would leave a negative comment. It breaks my heart to read your posts where you are sad, but it makes me feel so warm knowing that you are triumphing over things. I hope you continue to find your BA and make it through this rough time. Hold on to those sweet girls that you have, and hold your head high. You have been a great mom, and I have enjoyed reading what you share with the world.

  • cmckinnon1

    You are damn right! Keep it up. Fuck. Them. People will always find a way or a reason to criticize no matter what. Sometimes I fing things rather fragily placed together in my head and a mean asshole can come along, dump their negative energy on me and go on with their lives. For me however, I have a tendancy to carry it around with me for a few days crying and questioning myself. This happened with a co-worker yesterday. Thank you for this post today. I really am standing behind you and as I said, I needed this. Thank you.

  • ter-o-fla

    It is really amazing that some (many?) people will try to tell someone else what to do in their lives and get mean about it.
    I am sorry you have had to deal with that.

  • notcrazyunwell

    you’ve come such a long way since i first started reading. you should be proud of yourself, just as you’re proud of leta for going on that ride in disneyland. also, i just recently “graduated” from therapy after a few years and it feels kinda cool to have your therapist tell you she doesn’t think you need to come any more. doesn’t it? so congrats to graduation! 🙂

  • CMamaBear

    I am SO proud of you, SO happy for you! That is the ONLY way to deal with the trolls of the Internet! you go, girl! This post made me smile, no mean feat this week, and I thank you for that. You are woman, let’s hear you ROAR some more! 😀

  • jessilouise

    That’s right – Fuck em. They don’t know.

  • NoLongerEvil

    Yes! Well said!

  • Pegs

    I’ve been reading between the lines for a few months, and maybe I’m totally wrong, but I keep seeing a dynamic that is really similar to the one between me and my ex husband when we split up.

    Standing up for myself was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn, and I still get a jolt of anxiety when I do it, but it’s been the greatest and most freeing thing I’ve ever done.

    I still have to do it on a regular basis with my ex, although it’s a lot less frequent now. He still tries to manipulate and lecture, shame and threaten me. I think he truly is baffled when he gets a flat “no” from me. I have figured out how to stand my ground and not participate in the game, but he hasn’t figured out yet that he can’t engage me.

    So freeing.

    You’re in the middle of the shit right now, and I’ve been there. It gets better. I’m sure you already know that, but I’ll just say it anyway. It gets SO MUCH BETTER.

    Good for you. I’m happy to read this post from you and I’m mentally high-fiving you right now.

    Also, your hair looks really cute.

  • Rosiefish

    Big Bad London Love xxx

  • Themis

    First time commenter, long time reader.

    I signed up to say I saw your tweets yesterday and I was proud of you. When people are so determined to be snide and callous, sometimes the only thing to do is to tell them it’s not ok.

    You are stronger than you have let yourself believe. You are right more often than you let yourself think. Show the haters you know that.

    Also? *high five* Do your thing and do it loud!

  • mybottlesup

    tried to post this last night from my phone but i don’t think it went through… if it’s a duplicate though, feel free to delete.

    just wanted to say good on you for saying NO MORE.

    keep standing strong.

  • Lisa_J_D

    Yes!! Congratulations on making it through therapy and finding the light at the end of the tunnel. The negative people don’t know you, your family or anything except the extracts you share – basically, they know squat!! Big hugs to you from the UK x

  • lkb827

    There will always be people who need to put others down to make themselves feel better. Sorry that you have to experience that so publicly while you are going through a tough time. Know that there are so many of us that support you, and care about you, even though we don’t know you personally. We feel that we are part of your lives through your openness in sharing your life and experiences with us. Thank you for being so candid, you have helped me in so many ways to know that I am not alone in what I am experiencing. If you’re ever in Minneapolis, the door is always open, and the wine ready. Hugs to you and your family.

  • nutmeghank

    I made an account just so I could tell you that you’re awesome and that it is so inspiring to hear that you graduated therapy (as someone who has been in therapy 5 years and counting). I am keeping your family in my thoughts and I hope you keep kicking ass! Ignore the haters if you can–they probably smell weird!

  • megrit411

    FUCK ‘EM!!!!

    I’m doing a victory dance for you, too. I’m not as skilled as your therapist, in fact I kinda tripped over my own feet but damn girl, you tell them! Suck it bitches!

    You rock! You’re awesome and brave and cool (seriously, can I have your wardrobe) and you kick ass and screw the haters. Although don’t actually screw them because I think much of the hate stems from their inability to get laid and if they do finally get laid then where would they be?

  • smodan

    if you can’t ignore the haters, just shake your vibrator at them. words to live by.

    light and love.