This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

Hair, day forty-six

Welcome, rubberneckers, to the egomaniacal, narcissistic, bipolar meltdown you have been promised would happen by the hate sites! (It’s too bad they aren’t on my payroll, because HOO, the pageviews) To tell you the truth, even I can’t wait to watch this train wreck happen because when my brain explodes all those Skittles in there are going to scatter everywhere. A RAINBOW!

(I know, another post that was supposed to be about my hair that has nothing to do with my hair. I can’t even keep my posts straight. Yet another sign that I’m losing my mind. Someone please step in and get me some help! I NEED BETTER HANDLERS.)

What should I do first? Shed my clothes and run nude through Temple Square? Maybe have an argument in public with an imaginary friend? While wearing a giant bird costume and waving a vibrator?

The level of my fame is so minuscule in comparison to actual celebrity, but that does not make it any less strange to read the words of strangers who are publicly delighting in my pain, strangers who are actively rooting for me to break down. I’ve known to avoid reading it, but then the amount of it became so abundant that it bubbled up and spilled over into my lap, and wow. There it was. I politely wiped it to the side, but then another wave hit. And in the middle of that next dump someone said that they were going to make an anonymous call to try and get my kids taken out of my custody.

I hate to disappoint some of you, but that meltdown isn’t going to happen. I’ve been seeing a therapist pretty regularly since Leta was born, and yesterday she told me that I didn’t need to come back, that the work she’s been trying to get me to do for eight years is done. In fact, I had a pretty big breakthrough about a month ago, so big that after I left she did a tap dance in her office. I asked her to recreate that moment so that I could take video of it and post it here, but she’s a lot like my mom and enjoys flipping me the bird.

At the core of the work that I have been doing is letting go of the fear of standing up for myself. That probably seems asinine because my writing can be abrasive and polarizing, and how can a woman with a mouth as dirty as mine have any trouble standing up for herself? Well, a lot of trouble, actually. Especially in person. And any time I’ve attempted to do so online I’m labeled a bully or a delicate flower or lectured on the reasons I should ignore it.

The fact is that I do ignore almost all of it. It’s a relentless stream that rolls through my email and across twitter and in and out of other websites. But this morning I was sitting at my desk minding my own business when I caught the edge of another wave, and I thought, what the hell am I afraid of?

And you know what? Not a goddamned thing. Fuck them. Fuck all of them. People will use the fact that I am saying this as proof that I’m having a meltdown, and those people can go fuck themselves, too. Because when my therapist reads this she is going to get up and do the moonwalk behind her desk.

(If you even try to leave a mean comment I will delete your ass.)

  • BrandyOSU

    “Haters gonna hate”. But a big Internet high five (and a hug) to you. It’s amazing to me how shitty people can be. Fuck ’em all.

  • raymilauren

    It’s pure unadulterated jealousy. You ARE famous so this is why they delight in it, and your accessibility is a golden lasso whip of relief for these disgusting people. I just experienced an entire forum dedicated to hating on me and my life and they brought you in to it as I had made an attempt to reach out to you. You’re a success and now your dark place times is riveting for those with emptiness, much emptiness in their lives and you’re a dream specimen. The things they say, are not real things and they have blinders for sharing any joy or victory or anything positive that you have accomplished because they will never get what you have or enjoy life as much as you do. You’re incredible BYE!

  • cinrose22

    What the hell is going on with people? Everyone is being so mean. Jen @ “Jen” e sais quoi is getting beaten up too (as is her autistic son). I don’t get it. WTF is wrong with them? Why do people have to push people down to feel better about themselves? I work at a high school and there has been a wave of spitefulness and bullying like we’ve never seen before. Is there something in the water? Is the world tilting off it’s axis? I cannot figure it out. “You is kind, you are smart, you is important”. Just keep repeating that because you are! We need you. Hugs and love.

  • imjazzer

    Keep on keepin’ on, Heather. You have what they don’t, pure and simple–and by that I don’t mean web traffic. You have taste, integrity, humility, an incredible finesse with words, and a kick-ass sense of humor. As my my mom’s coffee mug once said: “Don’t let the turkeys get you down.”

  • cinddmel

    Yay for you Heather!!!!! ****high five***
    You are so brave and amazing 🙂 and congrats on your breakthrough!!!!

  • Anita Scotch

    Rock the fuck on.

    I am so proud of you! Isn’t telling someone to fuck off, when they truly deserve it, one of the best feelings ever?

  • Diorama

    Heather you’re the (wo)man!! You just made me feel better about myself, empowered, and smiling. It’s contagious!

  • jill124

    you are incredibly awesome. so honest, so brave.

  • Ruffian

    Heather is like a family member that I’ve never met. Since 2002 when I started following her blog, I’ve moved five times in three states, had way too many surgeries, and been diagnosed with an auto immune disease. One of the constant things in my life has been reading Dooce. It makes me sad that there are others out there trying to bring her down.

    One day, 100 years from now, there will be literature on the beginning of the internet movement called “the blog”. The beginning square on that tree that spans out should be Heather. It’s her shoulders all the rest of blogsphere have stood on. That’s a pretty awesome legacy.

  • Barnmaven

    Christ on a cracker, I go out of town for a couple of days and don’t look at the Internet and all hell breaks loose.

    I want to say so much more than “if you don’t like what someone writes don’t read it, if a blogger no longer appeals to you just move on, no need to flounce out the door or make a kerfuffle,” but really, that about covers it.

  • Julz

    Radical idea here, why don’t you and your husband disable ALL comments on your posts until you’ve worked through your personal lives?? That saves a lot of heartache, angst, second guessing and generally the great unwashed weighing in on such personal issues and aspects that you need to deal with as a family??

  • wicked opinion

    Someone posted this on the DoCo today and it made me think of all the “crazies” who just feel everything so hard. I respect the FUCK outta you. Thanks for ripping yourself open all the time for us. We love you.

    “You do not have to be good.
    You do not have to walk on your knees
    For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
    You only have to let the soft animal of your body
    love what it loves.
    Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
    Meanwhile the world goes on.
    Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
    are moving across the landscapes,
    over the prairies and the deep trees,
    the mountains and the rivers.
    Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
    are heading home again.
    Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
    the world offers itself to your imagination,
    calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
    over and over announcing your place
    in the family of things.”

    Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

  • laura.elaine

    big love. BIG BIG love. from commenter #313. if you knew how much i loathe odd numbers, you would understand how meaningful this comment is. have i mentioned BIG LOVE? from texas. (that shit’s big.)

  • Heidi75

    Haters are everywhere. Don’t let them win. Go girl!

  • WeezaFish

    I had to create a Douce account just to say – Who gives a flying Monkeys what ‘they’ think or say. I don’t Tweet, I haven’t even seen – but I know it’s a load of complete and utter clap trap. Just saying.

  • AshesVonDust

    Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries! There, was that mean enough?

    No, but seriously, being sad doesn’t mean it’s got to be some dramatic end of times like bullshit, these people need to chill.

  • lookoutkitty

    I think your hair looks very pretty like that.

  • mrs_k

    Since you’ve started posting hair pictures, I’ve clearly seen the sadness in your eyes as you’ve gone through this fresh wave of hell in your life. I am so happy to see a glint of steel in this picture. There’s still that sadness, but there’s also a resilience. You are bigger than the haters, bigger than your problems, and bigger than the things that haunt you in the middle of the night.

    LOVE to you!

  • juliesfinereally

    Yup. Yo go, girl!

  • Wombat Central

    Congrats on getting excused from therapy! Seems like you should get a tiara or something as a lovely parting gift. 🙂

  • souphead

    you are awesome! even though you share your life with all of us, what you are going through is your personal business to share as much or as little as you want.

    besides we all know you’re nuts. it’s part of why we love you.

    fuck ’em all indeed!

  • Dr. Jules

    You rock. That is all.

  • EffyTheWild

    You said this:

    “…any time I’ve attempted to do so online I’m labeled a bully or a delicate flower or lectured on the reasons I should ignore it.”

    And I want you to know that you are NOT alone in this experience and that many of us who stand up for ourselves against bullying on line get labeled bullied. It is *insane*.

    Ignoring it is the only sane thing to do *most days*, but some days? Ya gotta stand up and flip the fucking bird.

  • darthblonde

    The ironic thing is these haters don’t realize by GOING THROUGH SHIT, you grow and evolve. Clearly something they have not experienced. You grow, girl. I’ve been through many a personal birth canal and have lived to tell the kick ass story. Can’t wait to hear yours! xoxo

  • undernova

    In other news, people really do high-five their computers. And I just did!

  • FunkyKim

    If there are any haters, let’s find their IP number and hate them back!

    Seriously, I’m proud of you for maintaining yourself above the fray. Hang in there!

  • KoralwithaK

    Hugs. I rarely post, but heard this song, can’t stop listening to it, and thought of you, Heather. Hit play, hit replay, scream, whatever.

    http://youtu.be/w88AfxZ3roY

  • renata_armindo

    I know there are many people who are extremely mean and think they are better than everyone else, blah, blah, blah. But I’m still shocked to hear that people actualy hope that you will have a breakdown. It makes me really sad to know that people hope and wait for that to happen.
    And so, my hat is off to you for standing up for yourself, for ignoring these people and proving them wrong!
    We are all here to root for you and support you in any way we can. You really inspire me, I hope that counts for something! 😉

  • Missy.Void

    Yeah! Fuck them! Fuck them right in the ear 😀

  • nothemormon

    I have followed your blog for a long time and admired the relationship between you and Jon. I was amazed two people could get along so well as to work together and do it from home! You have always been so giving in your forthright sharing of all you have been through and the way he was there with you. Having had a very long and difficult marriage/relationship I have to say I was envious. When your site/blogger status exploded it was amazing to follow. Heck I can’t decorate a bathroom wall so watching the rooms of the house come together..well, wow. I have also enjoyed Jon’s photography. And watching your girls grow up. So this makes me sad. But obviously we are not privy to all of your life and if this is what needs to happen then I will watch you be strong. You can do this, I have no doubt.

  • Pixierella

    I usually look at it this way. Fuckem if they can’t take a joke. There’s always gonna be haters. You just have to nod and smile…and call them asshats under your breath as you walk on by. Good for you Heather, stay strong chica.

  • dischord

    I’ve read your blog for years, but never commented. All I have to say is YOU GO GIRL!

  • Camels and Chocolate

    OK, but can you maybe NOT ignore the nice comments, those of us who adore you, who feel your pain like it’s our own because we’ve grown to think of you as a close friend or family member, who are only sending you kind and happy, positive thoughts across the Interwebz? Because I guarantee you there are a whole lot more of “us” than there are “them,” as personally I have only ever met people who think the world of you as I do and have never encountered someone IRL who has a bad word to say about the mighty Heather Armstrong.

    You rock, sister! Your writing brings so much joy and laughter to so many of us. Don’t forget that part! The haters are just a very tiny (jealous and insignificant) part of your empire, and they’re no doubt merely projecting their own insecurities and shortcomings onto you.

  • suzified

    Go on, grrl. Totes gangsta. Can I say that? Because I did.

  • BlindTrixie

    If you were anywhere near me right now, I’d totally call you out for a chest bump and be all “That’s right BITCHES, Heather is BAD ASS!”

    Screw the haters. I’m so sick of that holier than thou bullshit. Judge all you want but it doesn’t mean we have to bow down and take it. There is nothing wrong with being human and admitting that flaw, blemish, quirkiness, etc. is nothing less than beautiful if chosen to be seen that way. You are my kind of perfect… YOU ARE REAL!

  • becaru

    U r the coolest. <3 you, Heather.