This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

A brief pause

Yesterday afternoon I walked out of a building in Rockefeller Plaza to a car hired to take me to the airport in Newark. I’d been up since 5AM, and although I normally don’t notice the two-hour time difference I climbed inside and collapsed against the door. I could feel my body shutting down, starting with an ache in my neck that then stretched into every corner of my body. By the time we arrived to the terminal, the exhaustion tripped up my arms and made it almost impossible for me to lift my luggage over the curb.

My well is totally dry. I’m just… spent. Physically. Emotionally. I collapsed this morning in a workout while trying a series of squats I’ve performed a hundred times before. My body just totally gave out. I was really proud of myself because I hadn’t cried in two days, but when my legs fell out from underneath me I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I was so embarrassed.

These last few months have been the most difficult of my life, so difficult that I’ll go into auto-pilot almost involuntarily and when I get to the end of the night I don’t know how my body managed it. I’ve tried to focus on other things that bring me rare moments of peace. Things like my girls and my dogs and the crazy things Cami puts on her body. I know some of you continue to wonder why I keep posting pictures of Cami. And the answer is, well, they make me happy. I desperately need that right now.

Finding new music and making playlists have been my therapy.

I need to take a break before I surrender to the exhaustion. I need to fill up my tank so that I can give more to my family and find more moments of peace. My girls deserve that. I know it seems like I’m just posting a picture or two here, a written post there, a link to a video. But there is so much more going on behind the scenes that I’m having a hard time keeping my head above water. I know I’ll get better at it, but right now I’m so drained that I feel like I’m clawing my way from hour to hour.

All of this is to tell you that I’m going to take a little breather for the next week. I’ll still be posting photos of the things that bring me joy, but in terms of written posts I’m going to pull some things from the eleven years of archives I have sitting around. I also want to thank you for all the words of encouragement you’ve sent me, especially the ones who’ve assured me that the crying will eventually wane. You enable me to support not only my family but two employees who use this job to pay their rent. And I want you to know that I do not for one second take that support for granted.

Thank you guys so much.

  • marinemom

    Hang in there! Take the break….we’ll all be here when you return.
    Blessings!

  • megrit411

    Take that breather and give yourself time to focus your energies on you and your family. Take some deep breaths. Beat the crap out of a punching bag. Scream in a pillow. WAtch a really sad movie and cry until you can’t cry anymore. And EAT CHOCOLATE! I know you’re on a healthy diet and good for you but I’m pretty sure cavewomen would indulge when their hearts were broken.

  • AlliKat

    I’ve been where you are. When the smallest little things can break you or when the smallest little things can show you a tiny pinhole of sunlight to move towards.
    Being tired, being depleted and being lost in a sea of holy wtf is really fucking scary. The ten foot thick bunker walls that you create to protect yourself have crumbled and you have no ammunition left. THAT is when you realize that maybe you just need to pick up one little brick and sit behind it for a while. It’s enough. Then when you are stronger, add another one and, well… you know where this is going. But this time, you will notice, the walls of your new bunker don’t have to be as thick or as time consuming to rebuild. The new walls let more sunlight through yet protect you all at the same time. In your new bunker you are safe. The tiny pinhole will turn into a warm glow of sunshine all around you.
    The brick I hid behind wasn’t made of concrete, because those need a real explosion to come crumbling down. No, my new brick was made out of tissue paper because it was seriously all I could lift at the time. The tissue paper brick was much easier to punch little holes to let the sunlight in. My new bunker still kept me safe, but allowed me to see through it and prepare myself for whatever was heading towards me.
    Pick a color, any color, your favorite color or a color you feel it’s time to embrace. The color of your tissue paper bunker doesn’t matter, but the fact that you get to choose the color does. I’m quite certain that concrete only comes in an ugly shade of gray and does not provide the added protection of glitter or sparkles.
    <3

  • Zut Alors

    Hope you get a chance to just breathe. Please take care of yourself. Sending you creepy internet hugs.

  • becaru

    Well, yeah, who wouldn’t be exhausted in your shoes? Your readership’s behind you, and I hope that your commercial sponsors are too. Best to you!

  • Wollgood

    A year ago, I was in a troubled marriage that I believed had no hope of recovering. Today, I’m not, my husband and I have clawed our way out of horrible darkness and despair. But I was prepared to leave it, that’s how bad it got. Whatever happens with your family, I wish you strength and comfort. I presume doing what you’re doing took and takes incredible bravery, and your life will be better for it, and your girls will be better for seeing it.

    I was compelled to write after reading the monetizing the hate for the first time. WOW. I just had no idea.

    Take good care of yourself.

  • Maggles

    Take your time, Friend. We all love you!

  • mleah

    Ok I’ll click on every page of Monetizing the Hate for charity but I will not read one word of that trash. Let go of the hate, you sad, sad people.

  • LDD

    Remember: You are special. You are a loving person and mother. I can’t even wrap my head around people saying those hateful things….though I am happy to click for charity (damn, that cute mirror I want keeps showing up).

    WISHING YOU ALL THE BEST!! Sending positive thoughts your way, Heather.

  • soojeegirl

    I can not believe the hate some people harbor. There are millions who love you. MILLIONS. I wish nothing but the best for you and your family.

  • Pixie

    I caught you on the Today Show, via video and no offense, I could see the exhaustion in you…compared to the other times I’ve seen you on video. Your body couldn’t be shouting any more loudly-and if it was you wouldn’t want to be at that point. So take that break. Chill. Relax. Sleep. Cry if you need to. Do eat really good food as well. [I saw someone suggested that].

    BTW: I frankly love the posts you’ve done lately, esp the pics of Cami, the girls and the dogs. I love to see what Cami is puttin-on-her-bod, cause it gives me inspiration, makes me go hummm and makes me smile. Plus, I love to check out your posts: ‘What I found while looking around.” All that, in addition to your fabulous writing. Reading your blog rounds out my day and I love to come visit and ‘see’ all the surprises.

    I wish I could give you a hug. Take care and I’ll be sending positive vibes your way….and I’ll be checking in-as I usually do.

  • hth717

    Hi Heather,

    In regards to music… have you heard Sharon Van Etten’s new release, “Tramp”? There’s a track on there that’s been quite therapeutic for me as of late; perhaps it will provide a similar comfort for you:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnOe6QFyvts

    I sincerely hope this helps, or at least provides a brief respite.

    Best,
    Heather

  • CatK

    I’ll be here ready to read whenever you’re ready to come back, too. Take your time, we’re not going anywhere, just wishing you well. Hang in there, mama.

  • cynsmith

    “No matter what happens in life, be good to people. Being good to people is a wonderful legacy to leave behind.”
    ― Taylor Swift

    Everything that the haters/bullies say reflects so much about themselves.

    Hug.

  • santa barbara

    I wasn’t going to leave this comment because it sounded creepy to me, but this post changed my mind. Last Thursday I saw Radiohead, and when Thom sat alone at a piano and played Codex you instantly popped into my mind. And I wished you peace of mind. Whatever you need to do to get there, do it. If you never blogged again, you’ve already done so much to help and support so many. Don’t put any guilt or pressure on yourself. “You’ve done nothing wrong…”

  • Kari68

    Heather,

    It may not seem like it now, but it’s going to get better. You are going to be ok, and your kids are going to turn out great. I went through an awful separation and eventual divorce. Even though it was my decision to leave the marriage, it was still incredibly devastating. I think some people just don’t get that.

    In spite of all of that, my daughters (now 21 and 22) are absolutely spectacular people. I could not be more proud of them. I know your kiddos are going to be fine too so try not to worry. I know it is easy to carry around a lot of guilt regarding the kids but try not to. They are going to be just fine.

    I hope your break from blogging brings you some peace. Your readers will still be here when you get back, no matter how long it takes.

    Take care.

  • jenwilson

    Oh, definitely take a break! I know how mentally/emotionally draining a separation can be, and I cannot imagine going through it PLUS living my life publicly PLUS doing hardcore workouts PLUS raising two beautiful little girls PLUS travelling PLUS whatever else life throws at you.

    I quite like the posts you do about Cami. They make me smile. I love the way she dresses, not that I’ll be dressing like her any time soon because I have yet to see you post a photo of her in sweats. 😉

    I hope you find some refreshment and peace during your short break. I was just reading through your monetizing the hate thing and it made me ill and I’m so sorry that people say things like that to/about you. Not one word of it is true.

    Oh! And I saw your Today show segment and thought you looked/were adorable.

  • Heather too

    Hey, girl. This is your blog and you can do whatever you want. You’ve been taking a lot on the chin lately, and a break from feeling compelled to act “normal” and work while your life is akimbo is certainly within your power and right. Fighting through all this chaos while keeping your children on track is a tough job, even without depression. So take a “mental health break”. We’ll be here when you come back.

  • momof8

    I wish you peace and love. Take care of yourself. We’ll be here.

  • Interrobanged

    I can’t remember you ever taking a REAL break from posting…good lord, woman…take a vacation! More than a week, if you can. I daresay that we the readers will all still be here if you need to disappear for awhile. Take care of yourself. You deserve a rest.

    Please, please take care of yourself. You are loved (non-creepy internet love, of course).

    P.S. As I said in a community post, I love the Cami photos! I think of her look as “whimsical fraggle,” and her batshit fashions make me smile. Besides, she sounds like a badass friend. Which you deserve.

  • AshesVonDust

    You don’t have to be the valedictorian of everything 🙂

    Take a break, without guilt, without shame. We will be here when you’re ready. And I for one won’t mind it at all if you just show old Chuck pictures when you choose to post. Man, I love that dog! Coco’s ok too, I guess 🙂

  • AshesVonDust

    (Oh and I actually enjoy the Monetizing The Hate page. It’s funny, especially the woman who says your blog is totally sexy and promiscuous. CLASSIC LULZ!)

  • newgyptian

    I’m just commenting to say – thanks for sharing your time and thoughts and energy with us. That post you posted at the beginning of March (I think?) reminding us that this is the time of year when people prone to depression are a little worse for the wear came at exactly the right time for me. So, thanks and I hope this time off is good for you.

    And in that vein…about Cami. I totally get it. She is absolutely, 100% my favorite pick me up. I wanna know who are these Debbie Downers who don’t get why you keep posting pics of her! She absolutely brightens my day. And I’ll admit that now when I’m shopping for clothes I’ve caught myself thinking, “OMG. Cami would totally wear this!”

  • culotte

    Grief over a death when all parties are still alive is the worst kind, I feel. I won’t waste your time with petty language to let you know that I know the boat you are navigating. That means nothing when you’re in the midst of the shitstorm.

    Grief comes in waves that threaten to overtake us and one took you down at the gym that day. The waves will come less and less frequently, but they will come. And, amidst it, there will be joy. And laughter. And moments of special. But, you have to push through the darkness and struggle when you feel like drowning. Fight that black with everything that is in your soul.

    I found that throwing plates against the wall really really helps.
    Ice cream does, too.
    Sending you all the love I can possibly muster, o beautiful one whom I only know through the interwebs.
    All the love I can muster.

  • Julz

    Good luck, feel better:o)

  • Julz

    Good luck, feel better:o)