This here bringer of the pooper to the fun party

I’m putting “vibrator” in this title so that it shows up in my twitter feed again

There is a pair of sister missionaries serving in my neighborhood who have knocked on my door a few times in the last couple of months. I always chat with them and ask them how they are holding up because my brother was once a missionary, and kindness goes a long way when you’re a kid living in a foreign place doing this sort of work. That’s always something to remember when a Mormon missionary knocks on your door. They are just kids. And you really should give both of them a noogie.

Also, it’s probably a good idea to keep a batch of special brownies on hand for situations like this. Be a good hostess!

(Wouldn’t you be more apt to open your door if they were walking puppies?)

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Recently when they stopped by we had a brief chat and they invited me to a function down at the local ward house. After I said goodbye I was feeling particularly naughty and tweeted this:

For those of you unfamiliar with this website, I really didn’t have them try to fix my vibrator. I wouldn’t do that. I’m a lovely flower, you see. But unfortunately, I seemed to have offended one of the gatekeepers of heaven.

“Oh high and mighty super cool Twitter girl.” I love it when someone else writes next month’s tagline for me and I don’t even have to reimburse them.

I’m going to stand before God one day, you guys, and the best part about this is that I didn’t find out about it on facebook (the place where I found out that Jesus is very directly involved with the outcome of professional football games and cares a lot about beauty pageants). Some of the more zealous Christians have finally embraced twitter! This is exciting because I have a lot of burning questions:

She never did answer my question, so I should probably crowdsource that one on facebook. I didn’t check twitter after that for more than a day because I was too busy trying to fix my vibrator (not going to take the chance that when I die and meet God that he’s no good with tools). When I did finally have a free moment to sit down and open it on my phone I discovered… well… my goodness dear. Holy Roly Poly. I feel terribly responsible for the fact that this woman is going to have some serious ligament damage to the fingers she uses to tweet:

My favorite thing to come out of this is the hashtag #readyourbible which needs it’s own tumblr, could someone make that happen, please. Also, this: “So many in this world hurt God’s heart. :(”

Frowny face? That’s all she could muster for God? She can do so much better than that. How about any one of these faces:

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No? How about something more religious? Maybe hint that you’re praying for my soul?

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Something emotional?

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How about you just get mad at me and tell me what you’re really thinking.

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Or maybe take a really deep breath, step away from your computer or your phone and spend some quality time by yourself.

missionaries5

  • Beth

    I hope @kathryneast doesn’t have kids.

  • KathyRo

    Sounds like dooce isn’t the only one with a broken vibrator.

  • Eilis Wagner Byrnes

    So, did your vibrator ever get fixed? Let’s get to important stuff.

  • bucky4eyes

    I was confused about whether or not I was God until Kingdom Kathryn set me straight. Twitter, land of epiphanies, of revelations, of people who fart and leave the room.

  • Rrrrandall

    Don’t confuse sanctimony for love. And telling an atheist she’s going to hell is like telling an adult Santa is going to bring her coal. It’s like, *shrug*.

  • Alex

    First time commentor, and omgosh, I think I love you. Because we all know, God is up there on his throne, scrolling through Tweets.

    You’d think with all the famine, disease, and other horrific events, he’d have no time for that :/

    High five Heather. You’re my hero 🙂

  • Debra

    Is there anything more entertaining than a fundamentalist?

  • Debra

    @KathrynEast apparently

  • Debra

    I don’t know, she could have left it shoved somewhere uncomfortable

  • Debra

    That goes for any haters that come here or social media. I used to use political party as an immediate decision maker for a potential new friend. I think I’ll use Dooce instead now!

  • Debra

    But can they repair things?

  • Debra

    Let’s see Michael Lassman, or He Who Knows Who is Damned and Judgmental.
    Religious zealots/fundamentalist are the most spiritually immature people that exist. By god, they’ll judge you to hell and back but can’t take a fucking joke, for one thing, but for another thing, always seem to know what God or Jesus would say about every fucking thing. The god and jesus I know love me any way I am, so that type of judgment just reflects back at the sender. How do you even find yourself here? Do you read that your opinion is in the minority? YOU DO NOT SPEAK FOR ANYONE HOLY. Except for assHOLIness. Of that you can speak with authority.

  • Debra

    yeah!

  • Debra

    I don’t know, she could have left it shoved somewhere uncomfortable

  • Debra

    I hope this is a joke, in which case it’s funny. If it’s not a joke, I’m saddened. Jesus won’t force our beliefs but apparently this one of his flock will. Spiritual immaturity. It’s so sad.

  • Debra

    And can he fix her vibrator?

  • Debra

    I’ll bring the vibrators since brownies are taken!

  • Debra

    She may have one with christ, but I read that in People magazine.

  • Guess all that’s left is the vegetable tray and the cubed velveeta.

  • Mette

    Oh my gosh, this is the best read I’ve had in a while.
    As for your first commenter, it could be a strange coincidence, but have you googled Gina Reinhart? Wealthiest woman in the Southern Hemisphere (or is it the world, I’ve list track).
    Good on you for creating debate, albeit of a religious/below the belt sir of mixture, HA!!!

  • Nicole S.

    My favorite is the notion that you shouldn’t say something because Jesus wouldn’t say it. Jesus would never say “my name’s Mike” so all you Mikes out there shouldn’t either? Too funny.