Heater, Mother of Lance

Recent Posts

The End of The Rolling Groceries

A few years ago I had just driven out of the parking lot at the grocery store when I pulled to the side of the road to tweet something like: “The sound of all of the food rolling around in the back of my car…

February 2, 2018

A gift guide that does not at all resemble a gift guide, WTF, Heather

OK, first things first… I’ll eat your brains. Sorry, had to do it. Was compelled. You may not have any idea what that first sentence is in reference to, and if you aren’t I will not hold it against you. If you are, however, and…

January 22, 2018

“Today is a good day to die”

Dear god, I can finally talk about it, my mild to moderate fibromyalgia—wait. Sorry. Not that. I can’t get that stupid commercial out of my head from the months of watching “Felicity” on Hulu and having Leta say every word to the commercial out loud…

January 16, 2018

Our nighttime routine, interrupted

A few nights ago I was putting Marlo to bed—this is how it goes these days, and it’s different from even six months ago: I have her tell Leta goodnight, and she usually does this either in the most adorable or the most annoying way…

January 12, 2018

Reflecting on the year that was not last year, thank god and medicine

I was thinking back over the last couple of weeks and suddenly remembered, oh my god, Christmas happened! And I survived it! Like one survives forced repeated viewings of The Revenant. Don’t get me wrong, we had a wonderful, relaxing day and woke up to…

January 8, 2018

Fun with plumbing and potential electrocution

Last night I sent a text message to the cohost of my podcast that eventually turned into a cathartic rant ending with I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. I know that sounds pretty dismal, but a few months ago one of our listeners called my cohost…

December 19, 2017

“They say be with the one that you love”

Last week Spotify released its year end summary of user’s listening habits, including an individualized playlist of someone’s most played songs of the year. First of all, the timing of this is almost as egregious as Costco playing Christmas music the day after Halloween. GRUMBLE….

December 12, 2017

Decking the dadgumm halls

Anyone who has listened to my podcast recently knows that since I moved into this house at the end of February I have been dreading the holiday season for a completely different reason than I normally dread it—yes, of course I dread it. Whose website…

December 5, 2017

A jump start on the language I do not speak very well

The girls are spending this holiday with their father in NY and I decided to stay home and hang with my family because my favorite pastime is arguing about basic human decency over a giant piece of sweet potato pie. Which reminds me: When I…

November 24, 2017

Books People Send Me, Installment Seven

Yesterday morning the kids took mercy on me and didn’t stomp around this tiny house before 7AM, and when it was all said and done I slept for 14 straight hours. I have my theories as to why my body needed that kind of break…

November 20, 2017

Come for the baby Chuck photos, stay for the vulgarities

In the spring of 2002 just a few weeks after bringing Chuck home from the Pasadena branch of the ASPCA, I was trying to make a cup of coffee while he darted around my feet trying to bite my ankles. That dog was a motherfucker…

November 16, 2017