Heater, Mother of Lance

Recent Posts

Fun with plumbing and potential electrocution

Last night I sent a text message to the cohost of my podcast that eventually turned into a cathartic rant ending with I HATE EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING. I know that sounds pretty dismal, but a few months ago one of our listeners called my cohost…

December 19, 2017

“They say be with the one that you love”

Last week Spotify released its year end summary of user’s listening habits, including an individualized playlist of someone’s most played songs of the year. First of all, the timing of this is almost as egregious as Costco playing Christmas music the day after Halloween. GRUMBLE….

December 12, 2017

Decking the dadgumm halls

Anyone who has listened to my podcast recently knows that since I moved into this house at the end of February I have been dreading the holiday season for a completely different reason than I normally dread it—yes, of course I dread it. Whose website…

December 5, 2017

A jump start on the language I do not speak very well

The girls are spending this holiday with their father in NY and I decided to stay home and hang with my family because my favorite pastime is arguing about basic human decency over a giant piece of sweet potato pie. Which reminds me: When I…

November 24, 2017

Books People Send Me, Installment Seven

Yesterday morning the kids took mercy on me and didn’t stomp around this tiny house before 7AM, and when it was all said and done I slept for 14 straight hours. I have my theories as to why my body needed that kind of break…

November 20, 2017

Come for the baby Chuck photos, stay for the vulgarities

In the spring of 2002 just a few weeks after bringing Chuck home from the Pasadena branch of the ASPCA, I was trying to make a cup of coffee while he darted around my feet trying to bite my ankles. That dog was a motherfucker…

November 16, 2017

The life-changing magic of really expensive therapy

I get sent a ton of self-help books—How and Where to Hide The Body was a particularly useful one given that it had a chapter dedicated to the window of time it takes for flesh to start rotting and provided useful tips for how to…

November 9, 2017

Every Elephant Counts: A Contest for Your Innovative Student

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned how much email I have to sift through on a daily basis, and that was just from one of the multitude of inboxes I manage. I know that in the mass of messages I get I occasionally miss…

November 7, 2017

My kid got braces and all I got was a broken heart

Marlo is going to be super jealous that I am giving her sister more space on this website than I have given her in recent weeks, and when she does I’ll just respond, “Remember when you used to pronounce BREAKFAST as BREF-DISK, and now you…

October 31, 2017