Heater, Mother of Lance

Recent Posts

A jump start on the language I do not speak very well

The girls are spending this holiday with their father in NY and I decided to stay home and hang with my family because my favorite pastime is arguing about basic human decency over a giant piece of sweet potato pie. Which reminds me: When I…

November 24, 2017

Books People Send Me, Installment Seven

Yesterday morning the kids took mercy on me and didn’t stomp around this tiny house before 7AM, and when it was all said and done I slept for 14 straight hours. I have my theories as to why my body needed that kind of break…

November 20, 2017

Come for the baby Chuck photos, stay for the vulgarities

In the spring of 2002 just a few weeks after bringing Chuck home from the Pasadena branch of the ASPCA, I was trying to make a cup of coffee while he darted around my feet trying to bite my ankles. That dog was a motherfucker…

November 16, 2017

The life-changing magic of really expensive therapy

I get sent a ton of self-help books—How and Where to Hide The Body was a particularly useful one given that it had a chapter dedicated to the window of time it takes for flesh to start rotting and provided useful tips for how to…

November 9, 2017

Every Elephant Counts: A Contest for Your Innovative Student

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned how much email I have to sift through on a daily basis, and that was just from one of the multitude of inboxes I manage. I know that in the mass of messages I get I occasionally miss…

November 7, 2017

My kid got braces and all I got was a broken heart

Marlo is going to be super jealous that I am giving her sister more space on this website than I have given her in recent weeks, and when she does I’ll just respond, “Remember when you used to pronounce BREAKFAST as BREF-DISK, and now you…

October 31, 2017

Working on a language of love

I just finished going through about 150 emails in one of my five different inboxes—yes, five. Don’t look at me like that. You cannot possibly be shocked. If you have been reading me at all—even if you just started reading me at the beginning of…

October 25, 2017

Happy 10th, Coco, you old lady!

On January 2, 2008, I made the most horrible decision of my life when I brought home a miniature Australian Shepherd to live with my family. Most of you know immediately that you should not take that statement seriously. But those of you who witness…

October 24, 2017

All that and everything

The insurance that I have for the three of us has been sending a letter in the mail for the last few months reminding me that I need to take Leta in to see her pediatrician for her yearly well child visit. And I have…

October 19, 2017

Things Eun-Seo Finds Interesting, Installment Two

“So I’ve been looking for a large backpack that’s big enough to fit all of my school stuffs, as well as my laptop and a two-liter jug of orange juice.” Wait. What about the caffeinated beverages? Did you give up the gateway drug? First Diet…

October 16, 2017