An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

PowerPoint Me to the Nearest Sledgehammer

You’ve got to be kidding right? You can’t just hand me a 17-slide PowerPoint document and expect me to “make it look good.” You may as well gorge out my eyes with burning sabers of methane gas and ceremoniously sacrifice my body over an open…


I’m certain Hell is just one big everlasting beveled drop shadow.


Housewife Charged In Sex- For- Security Scam

How to Charm Me

Climb onto my lap, sniff my ears, circle around until you’re dizzy, and then rest your wet puppy nose on my knee, as if you really were a puppy instead of a 185 pound grown man.

How to Annoy Me

Strategically sprinkle tiny plastic leftover Halloween spiders in corners of the apartment so that every 10 minutes I have a heart attack.