An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Bus Shelter

  • robin

    You should be a mystery writer…you totally left us hanging! 🙂

  • Amy

    I was able to reconvene the procedure with no pain at two weeks. (Of course, I didn’t have an epidural, just a tiny tear that only needed one stitch, so that probably helped a lot.) I am going to make my husband read all this just so he understands how totally lucky he really is. And I have got to try the sheet folding thing!

  • Natasha

    This is one of my favorite pictures so far. You and Jon are both very talented photographers.

  • beachgal

    Sorry, I don’t suffer from constipation like our lovely dooce. You posted a, “sorry to be crude” comment, did you honestly think noone was going to dislike the comment? I just stated MY opinion. Sorry you don’t like it. I didn’t think I was getting hostile. Oh. well.

  • Tisiphone Erynes

    dooce: You were able to reconvene the procedure in ONLY 7 months? Hah! You must have had an easy delivery.

    I think that’s about all I can say without sounding bitter.

  • aic

    there is definitely a reason why we got clitorises and fingers – so we can ignore self-proclaimed woman lovers whose words bely their chosen titles and proceed in any fashion we wish.

  • beachgal, i didn’t think you were hostile at all. the misogynist deserved far more negativity than he actually got, which is a testament to how sweet dooce’s readership is.

    great picture, btw.

  • tracy

    Since I had a c-section, I was surprised (and dismayed) at how painful it was to finally reconvene the procedure. I thought I’d get to skip all that, since the procedural area remained unused. Who knew?

  • Liz

    The list of problems I have w/ the procedure and my vagina ALONE are endless. It is comforting to hear someone else has issues.

    Kinda shitty that mine didn’t need the birthing of a child to enduce them… but whatever. I feel your pain on the lack of the procedure.

  • tracy

    Oh, and get an exersaucer. Much better than a high chair for those “I need you to stay here for a while while Mommy goes through living hell” times.

  • Nes

    I totally agree Tisiphone Erynes it’s been more than 16 months since the birth of my child and only tried “the procedure” three times and have completely stopped trying since last summer (wow that makes it a year of nothing) I feel it for my husband.

  • kim

    okay- i have to tell the other side. i’m sorry but i had one hell of an episiotomy but had a BM the day after my son was born- no prob-and reconvened after about 7 weeks. the scar itched for quite a while but i didn’t have any pain. i’m sure with my next one, i’ll have no reconvening for months and probably will use my other orifices like that asshole womanlover said.

  • tank

    Dooce. You make me smile more than anyone I know! I sit at my computer with this big, stupid grin on my face. And my teenagers ask me what in the world I’m reading. I just say Dooce. And they roll their eyes. 😉 Congrats on your reconvenication.

    And to womanlover — gee dude. It’s not like we were born to service you. If we can’t reconvene, why do you think you were born with hands? Have at it. 😉

  • ella’s ma

    I had my daughter by C-section 15 months ago, and I can count on one hand the number of times my husband & I have reconvened. Those people who start back up after 6 weeks, I applaud your vaginas!!!

  • Heather, you are HOTTTT.

    I love you.

  • again

    when i was 20wks pregnant my doctor said we could no longer have the procedure because of a placenta previa. after the bebe was born we waited the 6wks and tried very unsucessfully. my baby is now almost 8 months old and we have tried only 3 times – all with horrible outcomes. i feel bad for my husband…. on the flip side I know a woman who showed up at her 6 week appointment already pregnant again…

  • KellyH

    I cringed at my 6 week postpartum checkup when the doc said I was cleared to do regular activities, including reconvening. That nice man said, “If you want to tell your husband I said to wait longer, I’ll back you up.” Such a nice man. We didn’t even attempt it until 12 weeks and I had to ask hubby to stop because it hurt too badly. Finally at 14 weeks we tried again, with lots of lube, and got all the way through it. My epis. scar still twinges every so often during the reconvening, and my daughter’s 22 months old.

  • Sara

    Phew. And I thought I was the only one having trouble reconvening. I did have a substantial tear and an ‘easy’ labor and delivery, but I guess I thought since it didn’t hurt anymore, I’d be good to go. 4 months and I’m still not quite there. Kind of worried about getting pregnant again and the baby is still sleeping in our room. Condoms are so not helpful with the procedure, either. Love the site, keep it up.

  • Sara

    Still curious about what was so great about the day the photo was taken, as mentioned earlier..

  • Amy

    Wait, I DID have an epidural. What I didn’t have is an EPISIOTOMY. If you need any further proof that I’m a dumbass, I *also* let my baby chew paper towels.

  • By the way, Heather, thank you SO MUCH for preparing my husband for pregnancy, fatherhood, birth, and the aftermath. He learned about labour poo from, and now he’ll learn about reconvening, too.


  • I have so much to learn. I’m not even dating, let alone married or pregnant (or having regular intercourse) and now I rethinking it all.

  • eco2geek

    Sometimes, when I read Dooce, and the comments section, I think I’m attending a course in the Secret Lives of Exremely Intelligent, Funny Women With Babies (or “SLEIFWWB,” for short).

    As a guy who’s chosen not to have kids, I had no idea how long, or why it took so long, to “reconvene the procedure” after having a baby. Or what you could do with certain feminine products in order to aid in “reconvening the procedure.”

    In today’s “SLEIFWWB” lesson, I also learned that your husband is not only very, very patient, he’s also completely unselfish. Even given that one must be completely uninterested in the “procedure” after staying up for many nights dealing with a baby, that’s a long time to wait! Wow.

    Looking forward to the next “SLEIFWWB” lesson. 🙂

  • What a pretty picture of you! And, your hair is fabulous. Work it, Heather….

  • Shmee

    Ya, what is with the painful reconvening of the procedure after a c-section? I had one four months ago and ouch, I won’t be doing any recon again anytime soon. Thanks for bringing this painful topic out into the open Dooce 🙂

  • I will not allow myself to reconvene with anyone else for a long long time.(Not after seeing that baby come out of me that’s for sure)

    Worse comes to worse, I’ll test the waters and uhh, “reconvene” with myself first. ha!

  • what procedure????!!!

  • This is going to sound stupid but it doesn’t look like you. Even as you would look with stripes on your face. It’s a very cool photo.

  • Bjmofo. I think you’re refering to the ‘procedure’ performed in order to reproduce.

  • Oh, dear. Do I look silly? I mean Djmofo.

  • my baby is over 9 months and i can count on one hand the number of times i have undergone the procedure. it’s kind of okay now, but it used to bring on tremendous labour flashbacks. i had an unmedicated birth and it was not one of those fabulous orgasmic natural births you hear about (ahem. on the internet).

    and you know what? BIG DEAL! i’d rather have sex that i enjoyed (oops – i mean, i’d rather enjoy the procedure) than do it because it’s my wifely duty. fuck that shit. and fuck that ‘mouth & asshole’ comment. if we’re not going there at the begining of the relationship, at the height of infatuation, i am certainly not offering my tender ass as a consolation prize.

  • bunny

    The stupidist moment was using a mirror to look at the aftermath of my third degree tear. “Honey”, I wept, “I think they sewed me up crooked”. To which my DH replied “Don’t worry, bun, we’ll get it fixed.” Could well be one of the sweetest things he has ever said, but still didn’t buy him a reconvening ticket.

  • Hey Dooce…..great pic…lookin awesome there. Must be the post-recomvention-of-the-procedure glow! 🙂

  • Mark

    You look amazingly like the lead singer of Bettie Serveert, here.

  • Ok that was enough of a mouthful without me going and making silly spelling mistakes. Thats of course a post-recoNvention-of-procedure-glow that i was talking about. Ruined that moment now haven’t I?
    Yay! I’m 83rd and 84th….!

  • Doh!
    Damn you Mark…..!

  • jen

    geez. I feel even worse now.

    I’ve only been married for four months and we can’t get our procedural timings to coincide correctly. wait until we have kids.

    or wait, maybe we won’t.

    I miss the procedure.

  • Wow…

    I have been coming here now and again the lst fews months and after this latest post I find myself a little scared. I am 3 weeks away from baby 1.

    I have little interest in the procedure right now and was looking forward to finding that lost interest again. I do miss the days… *sigh*

    Soo… how do you know when you are ready to start again?

  • amy

    The joy of twins… the beauty of that situation is that you are BOTH too exhausted to even contemplate the act 🙂

  • Assholes?? I thought those were fer poopin??!! (or not poopin’ as the case may be) Kids these days…sigh…

    Awesome pic!

  • and yes, that was sarcasm. It’s just not a giant feat of genius to figure out that if a woman is in too much pain to engage in vaginal intercourse, she PROBABLY doesn’t feel like being pounded in the ass either.

    I’m just sayin…

  • woman lover

    I was only trying to be helpful. Sigh… all I can say is, I feel bad for your husbands.

  • Is it a good day because of reconvening the procedure?

    Or because you are behind bars?

  • sorry for my husband? uh, aren’t we all grown-ups here, in charge of our own sexuality? just because vaginal/anal/oral sex isn’t on the agenda doesn’t mean that my husband is walking around with a hangdog expression & a huge case of blueballs. couple life is a varied, complex thing and it does not guarantee hot v/a/o sex all the time. i refuse to roll over & take it, labour flashbacks and all, just because some bullshit sex-obsessed culture says i should.

  • Love the stripes in the picture!

    Reading all your stories about Leta had started to make me think that having a kid someday might not be so bad . . . you have changed my mind back! SEVEN MONTHS AND TWELVE DAYS?? Congrats on reconvening though.

  • Tracy

    I think it’s interesting that “woman lover” feels bad NOT for the women who are unable to enjoy something that used to bring great pleasure but is now too physically painful to endure, but for their husbands. I suppose if you were unable to dance with your husband because you had a painfully shattered ankle, he would deserve the sympathy as well. Or if you couldn’t hug him because both of your arms were broken – poor guy!

  • Brooke

    I have an answer to womanlover’s question. God gave women mouths and assholes to spit and.. do other icky things to people like him.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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