An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Sunset over The Great Salt Lake

  • Girl A – Does that WRX have auto pilot? If it’s a stick shift then you must be amphibious, you know, equalliy skilled with both hands.

    JulieT – Hope the rain tucked tail and ran from the sun out there today.

  • Dogs go bonkers for “girl stuff,” and cats enjoy “boy stuff” – at least my cat likes my boy’s stuff (um, yeah, that sounds bad and is filled with innuendo – she just likes to sniff and chew his boxers).

  • In my defense let me just say that pooka is not sexual in nature. It is meant as the ultimate preemptive defense against tickles, zerberts, wet willies, poots, and wedgies.

    And no matter what my husband says about my Scottish ancestory, I am not prone to pooka my pets. (although I have been known to sneak up behind them and pinch them from time to time)

    So there.

  • Amanda B – What’s a poot?

  • Scott, do u think I am a pussy? Of course it’s manual. But I am in slow lane with cruise set during the sushi extravaganza.

    It’s only reckless if you have offspring. My only offspring is my newborn blogpie, who’s hangin in her Depends hammock at the moment.

    And before you get too jealous MetSex, this aint no sti. But it’s only 23 horsepower lower and the wagon means I can take it climbing with me gear and me friends and the added benefit that it is not a theft target living in the city.

    We gonna lose signal in Utica pert’soon…

  • Kahli


    Heather, the picture is lovely. I thought I had put as much… do you miss LA this time of year?

    Everytime we go out to le Lake and it is sunset-y I sort of harumph and wonder what the ocean version is going to look like in an hour or so and I sort of wish we lived by it.

    Usually though, it is pretty enough here to forget about the ocean. Except cold, non-ski days.

  • ashik

    Hey hey hey – don’t knock automatic til you’ve tried it…. oh, who am I kidding, I want to learn to drive stick sooooo bad… especially while holding chopsticks!

  • Girl.A – you still have my Forrester by 62 horsies, so I can be jealous.

    Sam – Straight Skinny or Gay Skinny? According to Jack on W&G, there’s a difference.

  • Stacy

    correction- it’s only reckless if you are driving on the road with other people, or around other people’s property. other than that, being reckless it OK.

  • Kate

    I LOVE your website. I read while I wait for my psd files to print on the 5000. (in case my boss is reading? it is true.)

    I think Djinimi is jealous of you. Very jealous. You have a very unique and great writing style. Your website is web designer’s dream. Your daughter is gorgeous (can her eyes get any bigger?), you are gorgeous and your husband is pretty damn cute too!

  • Who’s goin to tha Polah Beah swim at Southie on New Yeahz Day?

  • Wow, Heather… that is a truly gorgeous shot.

  • Laura

    Coupla things:

    Victoria – I completely agree that Heather is a much better writer than Laurie Notaro. I’ve read three of her books, each time getting more disappointed. However, Heather cracks me up daily.

    On the dog/panty note: I have a chihuahua that would burrow her entire body into a laundry basket to retrieve a worn pair of panties at the bottom. I finally bought a tall, skinny, solid-sided rolling laundry basket for that reason alone. The worst part is, she still finds them occasionally and I find myself judging which panties are still wearable based on the size of the holes she nibbled. Try explaining THAT one to the boyfriend.

    Gorgeous picture, Heather.

  • Kahli: Where in Wiscaansin are you from? Let me know if you want your site listed in my “WI Speaks” section on my site.

  • re: hippo shit: I know its not a hippo, but “hippo shit” made me think of possibly the funniest rhino scene of all time is when Jim Cary emerges from the fake rhino’s ass while some vacationers watch in horror in Ace Ventura.

    Oh, sorry. Ummmm … cock-knocker!

  • Don

    What a lovely sunset!

  • I’ve been to Salt Lake ones and its pretty different and interesting. The view of The Great Salt Lake is beautiful, but it really isn’t the greatest thing to smell at night.. ahem… just say it almost smelled like poopie. hehe.

  • Slim

    Dooce: Okay you might need to listen to your instinct about not snowboarding because seriously I doubt that cars get stolen or broken into in your neighborhood.
    I’m just saying…

  • just last week my friend who lives up the street had her car borken into IN HER DRIVEWAY and the thief stole all her CDs and her wallet. it happens all the time here.

  • I hate it when my car gets borken itno.

    sorry heather. you may ban my IP address now.

  • Muh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

    I saw the GEORGE! In the flesh!

    He’s so lucky my husband was there with me, or I would’ve pounced on him!

  • Okay all the drinking and premarital sex was one thing but actual CRIME happens there? My image of Utah is totally shattered now.

  • You’re making me want to buy a Nikon D70 of my own…

  • This is what I get for not reading the comments here more regularly.
    Pooka? Zerberts? Poots?
    I am SO lost.

  • Damn dude, I’ve *been* there!! At sunset, no less.

    My favorite parts of Utah were the lake, and the temple thingie, and then I got across that fucked-up salt flats place. Neat-o.

  • Zach

    Kahli, I’m all over that Antelope Island hike this spring (after the lambing season of course).

    The beer does struggle a bit here, but when your sipping it on the bank of a river or up on the slopes it tastes all the better!

  • Stacy

    I don’t knwo what’s creepier, djnieme, or the fact that some one would take the time to post her info. That’s dangerous. What is some psycho-dooce-obsessed (aren’t we all, but i’m talking about in a bad way) person gets ahold of that and actually causes her harm? I think it’s all fun and games with the email address, but the home address is a little much for me. I know, I know, a smart person wouldn’t harass some one with a published email address, but still.

  • The reason to visit Utah is simply because that’s where they film Everwood. (I think it’s everwood…) lol

  • Stacy

    Sorry about the typos, I’m multitasking and I have trouble even walking and chewing gum at the same time.

  • Carrie: I’m right there with you. WTF????? And I lurk all the time!

    And a resume….on the comments page..???? HUH????

  • Carol

    OK, I was gone for 6 days and missed so much!!

    George! is gone? To Texas? and all the other stuff, too (i.e. ladybug imposters…). It was so fun reading up on all I missed.

    OK, that’s all. Just wanted to share.

    Now I’m going to be fired because I have done NOTHING all day.

  • Zach-
    and actually if you do have a beer say, at the Goldminer’s Daughter, then you TOTALLY have a buzz by the time you get to the valley.

    In fact, last time we were inWisco, I had two big beers at the Terrace and I was so not even drunk, lack of elevation was my suspect. How weird.

    We are going to Australia in two weeks and thus, I will see plenty of ocean sunRISES and I am hoping to acclimate or it will be a waste of an open bar….

    In spite of low alcohol content,the beer here is pretty tasty nonetheless.

  • Kate
  • Kate

    oops…that site is if anyone wants to see some really bad graphic design.
    by the infamous Djnieme

    I think her mother put her in way too much pink.

  • Kate: Just tried to check out that Djenemie page….been removed!

    Was it that bad?

  • Personal Information: thirty-something, brown hair, green eyes, skinny, likes walks in the…



  • Dooce: queen of the retro insult word. My faves: mel, ‘tard (blacklisted in my house), four-eyes, square, gomer, etc.

    I thought for SURE the new favorite word was going to be pooka.

  • stella

    two posts, two posts, two posts in one!

  • Dooce-
    Do you think George will get a blog someday?

  • Hippo shit…

    Funny thig about that…

    We were watching a documentary about hippos last week (they are totally mean)and (this makes the grace comparision funnier) they sort of helicopter shit, they twirl their tail rapidly and flail shit over their backs and they opposing male take this as a “wanna take this outside Chumpy?!” and they begin to chew on eachother.

    I am sure you have more grace than that, or at least better delivery.

  • You’re not a KNOB. You’re a TOOL!

  • knobknobknobknobknob
    that’s almost as fun to say as


  • Carol

    I’d say you’re a SPAZ. Or a SPED.

    But mostly I’m jealous that you may be going snowboarding.

  • Stacy

    I’m glad I eased on over to dooce’s mainpage and took a gander at the new post instead of just refreshing the comments ver and over. I was wondering where all the hippo shit nad knob talk was coming from…

  • Darcie

    Oh, Heather! I swear, my heart was racing as I read the story of your frantic search for Chuck. Ever (and only) since I brought The Boy Child into the world 18 months ago, my scheming Keeshond will break out of prison (run out the front door) every chance he gets. I am sick with worry when it happens, and I’m not sure what’s up with him. No, he’s not the center of our universe anymore (and maybe that’s more traumatic than I know), but The Boy Child is so in love with the Dog and very gentle, too. Have you seen new signs of “sibling rivalry” now that Chuck has figured out Leta really isn’t leaving?
    (BTW, My husband wouldn’t have checked the gate first, either.)

  • PKD

    Important baby assvice: Get Leta her own set of keys before she loses yours!

    Go to your nearest big box home improvement store and ask for some leftover or miss-keyed blanks, or string a group of old keys together for her. One day she’ll drop yours in a toilet or snowbank.

  • Zach

    Kate is all up in Debby’s grill.

    Kahli, it’s funny you brought up the Goldminer’s Daughter, I spent half the day there last Wednesday when Alta turned into a shitty whiteout.

  • Kate

    oops…I thought it didn’t post. Can you delete one please?

    Yes graygirl…it is bad. No wonder she decided to go after dooce. Like it is dooce’s fault she has talent and djininnie doesn’t?

  • Jenie

    Hmm…Kate? Chill out. That whole thing is over with…let’s not start the whole thing over again.

  • Dooce please make it stop

    End the ridiculous over-hatin, pleeeeeease.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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