Email

The interview I had with the reporter from the Associated Press apparently ran yesterday and was picked up by every news source on both sides of the equator. I can always tell that a story about blogging and the workplace has run because I get a barrage of what I like to call Drive-By Zealots, people who come to my site because it was briefly mentioned in a news story, read a few posts or even just a few sentences, and then make a broad, sweeping judgment about who I am, what I’m doing, and the general make-up of my belief system.

A good majority of these Drive-By Zealots then send me email rebuking me for not taking the path they think is right in life. I get email from people who hate Mormons, from people who hate me for ever being a Mormon, people who hate me because I’m not Mormon anymore, people who think I need to accept Christ into my heart so that I can live eternally in His Open Arms, people who CANNOT BELIEVE that it is legal for someone like me to have a personal website especially since my potty mouth is so full of potty, and people who have died, come back from the dead, and are delivering a special message to me from God that he is angry with me. YOU THINK I AM KIDDING. I MAY BE CRAZY BUT I AM NOT KIDDING.

Few of these emails are egregious enough that I should post them here, but I did get one yesterday that cannot be ignored. And so I present to you: An Email from Matt Compensating for His Small Dick Jackson.

From: Matt Compensating for His Small Dick Jackson

Matt Compensating for His Small Dick Jackson’s email address: jackson.matt@att.net

I don’t know if you got that last part: jackson.matt@att.net

jackson.matt@att.net
jackson.matt@att.net
jackson.matt@att.net

Subject: (blank) but his email address is jackson.matt@att.net

I read the news in regards to your situation and find it pathetic. I am the principal of a major company in Southern California with offices in 10 countries and;

1. I do not have a drug or alcohol habit,

2. Find you obviously immature and foolish to aknowledge that you wrote about the company’s dirty laundry or goings on and expected nothing to happen. This is similar to Jose Canseco except all the more stupid since we can understand his position but yours is indefensible and moronic since you were being paid. Have you ever heard the term “discretion”? Try using some,

3. Find that your being a woman makes you a liability in the work force to an employer, typically,

4. Find that when you didn’t get what you wanted you went and got married, got knocked up, and pumped out a puppy, hooray for you since now (hopefully) you won’t be wasting anymore valuable time or money of an employer. This is typical of women who want equality (and 12 more vacaction days a year when not pregnant, not to work overtime and get paid for it, will sue for EEOC or related issues with no merit at the drop of a hat, etc.) but don’t want to pay for it or earn it. Instead they go have a baby. What a brilliant recovery.

5. No one cares, except for the other hens you hang around with, which actor or athlete porked you. If you were any good or worth the catch, they would have kept you. They didn’t and you took your marbles back to you Utah, where you belong,

I hope this clarifies a successful persons position. Best wishes in growing up.

——

I asked a few friends of mine to help me write a thoughtful, polite reply to this missive because that’s exactly what it deserves as he is a successful persons who is all growed up. And here is our response to Matt Compensating for His Small Dick Jackson’s email:

grrl: I love the numbered “I FIND” format – it’s like a corporate resolution or mission statement! We could have a really great time with a numbered list of our own, I suspect.

WE FIND … that it’s really fucking stupid for you to regurgitate such hostile sexist bullshit after giving us your name, locale, and enough details to allow us to figure out the identity of your ‘major company,’ the other principals in which will no doubt be very interested in your email. Good thinking, Matt!

Alice: WE FIND that you obviously have a teensy, eensy nubbin of a penis and that you clearly have some issues about that.

WE FIND that if you’d just use a strap-on to pleasure your partner, maybe you’d be less bitter about your weensy little button-wang.

Mrs. Kennedy: WE FIND that you probably depend on others to clean up your atrocious grammar and punctuation.

Melissa: Heather, did you give birth to a puppy?

Me: SHE’S NOT A PUPPY. SHE’S A FROG. My god, can the man even read? Leta is officially offended.

Alice: Take your marbles back to you Utah, Heather! You take your marbles!

WE FIND that we know where you work, Matt Jackson, and that this company isn’t going to take kindly toward one of their principals sending bizarre, misogynistic diatribes to a public figure.

Me: If you call me a public figure people are going to wig out and send me more zealot email calling me self-absorbed. Let’s go with it.

Mrs. Kennedy: Maybe we should just go for a direct point-by-point rebuttal.

1. Who cares what drugs, legal or otherwise, you do or don’t consume? Or are you just saying that because otherwise we’d think you were drunk when you wrote this badly spelled, ungrammatical e-mail?

2. [This one Heather has to answer, as she has her reasons for doing what she did] [Me: I admitted that I was stupid for what I did, that I had made my bed and would therefore lie in it, BUT JOSE CONSECO? How is this is any way similar to Jose Conseco except in the fact that both he and Matt are trying to compensate for their small wankers?)

3. You’re a sexist fuck who can’t see past a pair of tits.

4. And you hate children, too, hooray for you! Obviously your own mother won’t even kiss that dirty mouth of yours, and helped you get a good start in life by teaching you to hate and fear women. Also, quit accusing [Heather] of making some weirdly exaggerated demands that [she] never asked [her] employer for, you stupid fucking git.

5. I like how you think that any actor worth “porking” is worth keeping, just for his status alone. Jesus, you are a corporate-ladder climbing, asshole-sucking, [person who is in denial about his sexuality]. Therapy could be really valuable, and help you get started working on your anger issues instead of writing hostile e-mail to women you don’t know. One more from you and I’m contacting your e-mail provider. Asswipe.

Me: Or his employer BECAUSE WE KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

Just think, one of the biggest consulting companies in the world harboring someone who would send out an email WITH HIS NAME ON IT including the words, “Find that your being a woman makes you a liability in the work force to an employer, typically.”

The Internet is a bitch, no, Matt?