exhaustion

Yesterday afternoon I walked out of a building in Rockefeller Plaza to a car hired to take me to the airport in Newark. I’d been up since 5AM, and although I normally don’t notice the two-hour time difference I climbed inside and collapsed against the door. I could feel my body shutting down, starting with an ache in my neck that then stretched into every corner of my body. By the time we arrived to the terminal, the exhaustion tripped up my arms and made it almost impossible for me to lift my luggage over the curb.

My well is totally dry. I’m just… spent. Physically. Emotionally. I collapsed this morning in a workout while trying a series of squats I’ve performed a hundred times before. My body just totally gave out. I was really proud of myself because I hadn’t cried in two days, but when my legs fell out from underneath me I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I was so embarrassed.

These last few months have been the most difficult of my life, so difficult that I’ll go into auto-pilot almost involuntarily and when I get to the end of the night I don’t know how my body managed it. I’ve tried to focus on other things that bring me rare moments of peace. Things like my girls and my dogs and the crazy things Cami puts on her body. I know some of you continue to wonder why I keep posting pictures of Cami. And the answer is, well, they make me happy. I desperately need that right now.

Finding new music and making playlists have been my therapy.

I need to take a break before I surrender to the exhaustion. I need to fill up my tank so that I can give more to my family and find more moments of peace. My girls deserve that. I know it seems like I’m just posting a picture or two here, a written post there, a link to a video. But there is so much more going on behind the scenes that I’m having a hard time keeping my head above water. I know I’ll get better at it, but right now I’m so drained that I feel like I’m clawing my way from hour to hour.

All of this is to tell you that I’m going to take a little breather for the next week. I’ll still be posting photos of the things that bring me joy, but in terms of written posts I’m going to pull some things from the eleven years of archives I have sitting around. I also want to thank you for all the words of encouragement you’ve sent me, especially the ones who’ve assured me that the crying will eventually wane. You enable me to support not only my family but two employees who use this job to pay their rent. And I want you to know that I do not for one second take that support for granted.

Thank you guys so much.