Should I send you unsolicited advice?

What about a copy of the Bible? Should I send you one of those?
Only if it has my name inscribed on the cover. In gold leaf. With a cursive font.

How do you pronounce your oldest daughter’s name?
Leta rhymes with Rita and pita. LEE-TAH or LEE-DAH. We could have spelled it Lita to make it easier for people to pronounce, but she is named after my mother’s sister, Leta Kay, who died when she was five months old. Spelling it any other way wouldn’t do.

How do you pronounce dooce?
Deuce. Rhymes with moose and juice.

But I always thought it was pronounced doo-chay, like maybe it was Italian or something. Can I still call you that?
Sure, why not. I pronounce the L’s in walk, talk, and chalk even though I know better. So we’re even.

Do you prefer that I address you as dooce, Heather, or Mrs. Armstrong?
I prefer you that you address me as Wondrous Being of Light and Splendor.

How did you come up with the word dooce? What does it mean?
Dooce is a typo of dude, or dooooode!, one that I often made over and over again when having Instant Message conversations with co-workers. Some experts will tell you that it means “getting fired for something you’ve written on your website,” but what it really means is CANNOT RESIST THE CAPS-LOCK KEY.

What breed of dog is Chuck?
SuperMutt. A little bit of everything. If we had to guess then maybe a little labrador, some pit bull, a tiny bit of Jack Russell Terrier, and a few sprinkles of whippet. He is one of a kind, and no, you can’t have him.

What kind of camera do you use? What lenses do you prefer?
A Canon 5D. We primarily shoot with a Canon EF 24-70mm L USM 2.8 and a Canon EF 50mm 1.4.

Can you teach me a few things about how you get your pictures to look the way they do?
You can read about how to produce that warm fuzzy glow here, and soon I will be writing a tutorial on how I get those darkened edges on many of my photos. Stay tuned!

When did you start this website?
This website began on February 27, 2001 with a poem about Carnation milk.

Why can’t I see any posts from those first few months?
Because I was very naive and stupid when I first started this website, wrote horrible things about my family and their religion, and when they found what I had done I took everything down and had a little meeting with myself about boundaries.

Who hosts your website?
A company called Liquidweb hosts this site. I have been incredibly happy with their service. They have pretty reasonable hosting packages, and have been very responsive to my technical problems and neediness. A big shout out goes to Mike N. at Liquidweb. Thanks for being so nice!

I’m surprised you haven’t been reported to child welfare with how public you are about some of the things you think and do regarding your daughter. Paper towels are very dangerous for your daughter to chew on. She could suffocate. Don’t let her be alone with them. I’m amazed at how foolish you can be sometimes.

When you call DCFS, please get the story straight. Not only do I leave her alone with paper towels, I set her in the middle of a flea-infested floor and surround her with sharp objects and porn. Then I turn on a wood-burning stove in the corner of the room and seal all the windows. Before I leave the room and lock the door, I stick a bottle full of vodka in her mouth to muffle the screaming.