music

I was looking through the questions in the Community today when I saw this one asked by @janeingrid that sent me down a rabbit hole of memories:

Today is the Compact Disc’s 30th birthday! What/When was the first CD you bought? When was the last time you bought one?

The first CD I ever bought was Blind by The Sundays in 1992, the soundtrack to my first breakup. I hear the first few notes of the song “Goodbye” and I’m instantly 17 years old again, driving around Bartlett, TN in my 1979 Datsun 510, feeling an ache for that boy in every breath I took between sobs, trying not to drive by his house but ending up driving by his house to see if his car was parked out front.

Stalking was apparently not against my religion.

As the Heavens shudder baby I belong to you
They said you get what you deserve
And all they said was true
So is this what it’s come to?
Am I cold or just a little bit warm, oh well
Just give me an easy life and a peaceful death

(Try not to listen to that song over and over again. You will fail.)

That boy was my first boyfriend. He wasn’t my first kiss, however. That belonged to a boy named David. We made out in his bedroom while the video for Nirvana’s “Lithium” played on the TV in the background. I’d been obsessed with him for over a year and couldn’t believe I was finally locking lips with his. He couldn’t believe he was about to get laid, and when I realized the difference in our intentions I rushed out of his house, sped home in my Datsun and immediately fell to my knees next to my bed to pray for forgiveness. The following Sunday I scheduled a meeting with my bishop and confessed to the awful thing I had done. He had a very hard time not laughing at me.

I don’t remember the last CD I ever bought, only that it was before Leta was born. Every music purchase I’ve made since then has been digital. I do remember that one of the first albums I downloaded in iTunes was Talkie Walkie by Air, the soundtrack to my postpartum depression. I hear “Run” and I’m there alone with two-month-old Leta on the queen bed in that tiny house, staring at the mile-long lashes extending from her giant green eyes and trying to reconcile the space she filled in my heart with how much I felt like a stranger in my own body.

So much of my life is captured in the notes and choruses of songs. @janeingrid’s original question now has me curious, what songs can take you back instantly to a moment, to the smell, the ache, the instant you could feel your heart beating in your throat?