Twitter

While I am on vacation with the girls for the next week my very good friend Sarah Brown will be your guest host. Sarah blogged at Que Sera Sera for over ten years but currently writes at her Tumblr, Damn Gina.

…….

Every few months some website publishes a listicle about the words everyone hates, and the top two are always “moist” and “panties.” I have no problem with the word “moist.” How else are you going to describe the ideal cake? As for “panties,” whatever man; there was a need for a sexier word than “underwear,” and this is it. Roll with it. I’m not going out of my way to use either of these words, but they don’t make my teeth shiver or anything, unlike the term “cray.” Carlie Lazar does the Don’t Say Industry Tumblr, and she’s covered some of my main peeves, like “THIS,” and “baby bump.”

Allow me to be a cranky person on the internet and share my personal least favorites:

STOP SAYING:

“sorry not sorry”
Sorry Jessica, but you just got yourself grounded from Tumblr. I don’t mind at all that this happened but I’m not going to say I’m not sorry because that would be rude, waste breath, and signify to my fellow man that I’m a dick.

“that awkward thing when”
This clunky phrasing has infected the English language, mostly on Twitter, and will not die. Your first hint that this is not so fresh is that they made a Zac Efron movie out of it, and that movie came out half a year ago.

“But also? The thing? Is this.”
If you speak like this in real life, that’s bad enough. If you write like it as well and try to pass it off as clever or mold-breaking, you just sound like you should be snapping your gum.

“rockin’ the red lipstick”
UGH, you are not rockin’ anything, Dick Clark, unless you mean the death rattle of any moment in the past when you were ever possibly cool. Other things you should not claim to ROCK: shades (don’t call them that), flower crowns, braids, any kind of hairstyle, Chuck Taylors (also don’t call them that), anything featured in a photo posted on Facebook of you at a party while someone else babysat your children.

“look at all the fucks I give/and not a single fuck was given that day”
Here is me handing you a framed cross-stich that says “So You Hang Out on Internet Message Boards.”

“full of win”
People don’t actually still say this, do they?

“gotta love _____!!!!”
I realize this one is very nitpicky, but it drives me nuts. What does this even mean? What function does it serve? You’re not telling me that it’s imperative for me to love something; you’re just reiterating that you like it. So you went to the beach/brunch/have a funny toddler. Okay, most people like enjoy these places/activities/things. Also whatever it is you’re declaring I gotta love is usually pretty banal, misspelled and overpunctuated, like “gotta love mom’s!!!” (The overlap of people who say “gotta love _____!!!!” and people who comment on Facebook pictures of children with “Precious babies!!!!” is a completely saturated pool.)

“wordsmith”
This is a term your dad uses to describe you when he’s proud of a story you wrote in high school. An actual successful wordsmith would never ever use the word wordsmith.

“curate”
This means pick and choose. I don’t curate my nose, do I? Here’s a test to see if you should use this word:
Are you talking about a feed, content, links, Etsy, or vintage stores? X
Are you talking about someone who works for a museum? √

“is there a German word that means [this complicated feeling or sensation]”
I’ve been super guilty of this one in the past. We all have to put it down now and walk away. Don’t look back.

“mouthfeel”
Aaaahhhh stop stop stop you can have all my money here just leave me alone

ON THE CUSP:

“dem/dat _____ doe”
Use this carefully or have it taken away, people.

HALL OF FAME:

“threw up in my mouth a little bit”
I first complained about this in October 2005, and people are still saying it. It may be thoroughly embedded in the tattered lazy lexicon but I will not go gentle into that good night.