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As we approach the final days and hours of 2009, I’m struck by the many ups and downs my family and most likely yours have experienced over the last twelve months. And although I know it was a tough span of time for many people, I really need to articulate just how awesome this year has been for us. And oh my god, Heather Armstrong is getting all positive up in here. UNFOLLOW! WHERE IS THAT ACERBIC WHOREBAG YOU USED TO KNOW AND LOVE.

Let’s see, in the last twelve months I have (NOTE: I am about to start bragging, mainly so that my mom can print this out, take it to church, and tell her friends that I’m not all that bad, that when I die my fellow brothers and sisters in the Telestial Kingdom will be in good company):

1. Gained 45 pounds. See: all those boxes of powdered donuts.

2. Lost 50 pounds (that extra five due to the stress of bullying a multibillion dollar corporation into fixing my broken washing machine).

3. Been a guest on The Today Show, The Bonnie Hunt Show, Dr. Phil, and Oprah. I repeat: OPRAH. OOOOPPPPRAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH.

4. Made the New York Times Best Sellers List, something I owe to my seventh grade English teacher, Mary Krause Fowler.

5. Named by Forbes as one of the top 30 most influential women in media. (NUMBER TWENTY-SIX BITCHES!)

6. Been featured as a $2000 answer on Jeopardy.

7. Made Time’s list of the 25 Best Blogs of 2009.

8. Toured with my book to New York, Chicago, Portland, Seattle, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Denver, and Austin.

9. Enrolled my oldest daughter into kindergarten.

10. Briefly met and then slightly harassed Peter Frampton.

11. Launched a community section of my website which has soared far beyond my expectations in terms of the respect and generosity among its members.

12. Oh, and I had that baby. Without any pain medication. Yes, I will always point that out even though it is tacky to do so. Also, it makes it so that Jon cannot ever trump me.

And then there was the broken toe, the SHINGLES!, the minor case of swine flu, and a bathroom remodel so offensive that WE WILL ALL DIE! (see comment #93)

I also had to say goodbye to my beloved Granny Boone, the magnificent matriarch of my giant Southern family, a woman whose iron will I strive to emulate every day of my life.

It’s been a hell of a year, and we are among the lucky ones who still have the means to pay for our house and our car and the food on our table, and for that I thank you, you who come here to share in this total wackadoo story. I wish I could take each and every one of you out for a beer. Or a Sprite if that is your preference.

Here is our year in photos:

(soundtrack is “Follow Through” by Hotel Lights)