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Enjoying

Umodela.com: The Natural Beauty of Supermodels, including NAKED PICS OF GISELE!!!!!!!

How to Annoy Me

Show up with the closing papers on our house WITHOUT NOTIFYING US BEFOREHAND THAT YOU’RE GOING TO STICK YOUR FIST UP OUR ASS.

How to Charm Me

Hold my hand tightly when the finance guy says, “Oh, by the way, before you sign these papers, we need a check for 3% of the house’s final selling price,” and catch me when I pass out.

Feeling Guilty

For feeding the dog bacon on his strictly no-bacon diet.

Listening

The New Pornographers: “The Laws Have Changed”

Thinking

It’s cute that you want to sit next to me and rest your fuzzy head on my knees and that you want me to scratch your belly, but I’m constipated and your being in here is not helping.