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September 2003

Fawnzelle La Bon Marché Armstrong

It’s a girl! 20 years from now in some chilly doctor’s office littered with scary abstract art and old issues of Newsweek, my daughter is going to ask her therapist how she could have possibly had a normal life when it all began with her mother posting pictures of her private parts ON THE INTERNET. [...]


Bishop Allen: Charm School




If the baby in my womb has its legs crossed during tomorrow’s ultrasound, I am totally going to put him/her into a time-out.

How to Annoy Me

Ask me a question from the other room and keep repeating it even though I can’t hear you. I know I do this, too, but it’s not annoying when I do it.

How to Charm Me

Forgive me for calling you at work when I’m right in the middle of peeing.

Good Dog

Commands my dog understands: Sit. Stay. Down. Roll. Come. Shake paws. Stop licking the couch. No more cheese. No. No, no, no, no, NO. Uuuhhh, uh. Uhhhhh, uh. UHHHHH, UH. Don’t tell Papa I gave you this. Zip it. Wait… wait… I SAID WAIT. Oh God, stop it, that is so sick. Kisses! Commands my [...]

Feeling Guilty

For the level of panic I experienced when I thought for a few seconds that the TiVo hadn’t recorded last week’s episode of “Temptation Island.”


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