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How to Annoy Me

Model lingerie in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show during your first trimester of pregnancy. I hope you get fat and have to waddle.

Reading

CEO’s Marital Duties Outsourced To Mexican Groundskeeper

How to Charm Me

Promise to put away your butt crack when the neighbors show up.

Statistics

Number of pregnant, stress pimples that have sprouted on my forehead since Friday night: 4 Description of alien being trying to escape those pregnant, stress pimples: green, scaly, with an amphibious disposition Number of 50W halogen spot lights we installed in the kitchen ceiling yesterday: 8 Number of lights after which I wanted to give [...]