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How to Annoy Me

Consider yourself a better person because you don’t watch “American Idol.” Well, America voted, and it’s official: you’re a total snob.

Thinking

It’s a super-duper dog who will humor me by lying on his new Costco bed even though he’d much rather be outside humping the dog nextdoor.

Listening

Radiohead: Hail to the Thief

My Comrade in Carmen and Constipation

Recent email exchange between me and my best friend in Utah: HER: How are you? Are you feeling less stressed? I hope things are going smoothly for you guys. Let’s start with my comment which is as follows: The only reason Carmen is still on Idol is due to her overly enthusiastic “I need to [...]

My Favrit Nabors

I’m not ashamed to admit that I don’t like kids, or at least most kids. Most kids are abrasive and annoying and should be treated like a fungus. I have no problem with babies because babies at least smell good. This might seem like a huge problem considering that my husband and I are actively [...]

Enjoying

Umodela.com: The Natural Beauty of Supermodels, including NAKED PICS OF GISELE!!!!!!!

How to Annoy Me

Show up with the closing papers on our house WITHOUT NOTIFYING US BEFOREHAND THAT YOU’RE GOING TO STICK YOUR FIST UP OUR ASS.

How to Charm Me

Hold my hand tightly when the finance guy says, “Oh, by the way, before you sign these papers, we need a check for 3% of the house’s final selling price,” and catch me when I pass out.

Feeling Guilty

For feeding the dog bacon on his strictly no-bacon diet.

Listening

The New Pornographers: “The Laws Have Changed”