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How to Charm Me

Love me even though I wake up in the morning looking like a chubby eight year old boy who cried himself to sleep.

How to Annoy Me

Wait until I lie down to take a nap before you start chewing on that bone EVER. SO. LOUDLY.

When? When? When?

No, I haven’t given birth to this baby yet, but if you could call my house and ask me about it, like every member of my immediate family and every member of my extended family, all 87 of them, that might make me feel more adequate because at this point I’m obviously doing something wrong. [...]

Thinking

I should totally be arrested for this.

Listening

The Decemberists: Her Majesty The Decemberists

How to Charm Me

Come out of a funeral home bathroom and say, “This place belongs on your website.”

Reading

So this is how our first day ends. Finishing our 10th drink of the night in an empty hotel bar. Listening to Peter Cetera. Sober as a Mormon.

T-Minus Seven Days and Not A Coherent Thought To Be Found

This morning at the doctor we found out that I am dilated to a “1 plus some” (the actual medical term he used) and 70% effaced. For those who aren’t familiar with what this means, let’s just say that there’s this thing that has to open up to the size of a LARGE BAGEL before [...]

Feeling Guilty

For being scared shitless of Howard Dean’s upper lip.

Reading

One-third of the family just took a dump in its pants.