Love me even though I wake up in the morning looking like a chubby eight year old boy who cried himself to sleep.
Wait until I lie down to take a nap before you start chewing on that bone EVER. SO. LOUDLY.
No, I haven’t given birth to this baby yet, but if you could call my house and ask me about it, like every member of my immediate family and every member of my extended family, all 87 of them, that might make me feel more adequate because at this point I’m obviously doing something wrong. [...]
I should totally be arrested for this.
The Decemberists: Her Majesty The Decemberists
Come out of a funeral home bathroom and say, “This place belongs on your website.”
So this is how our first day ends. Finishing our 10th drink of the night in an empty hotel bar. Listening to Peter Cetera. Sober as a Mormon.
This morning at the doctor we found out that I am dilated to a “1 plus some” (the actual medical term he used) and 70% effaced. For those who aren’t familiar with what this means, let’s just say that there’s this thing that has to open up to the size of a LARGE BAGEL before [...]
For being scared shitless of Howard Dean’s upper lip.
One-third of the family just took a dump in its pants.