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How to Charm Me

Babble incessantly and ever so loudly as Grandpa says the prayer over dinner. Our Master Plan, it’s WORKING!

I’ll get this whole thing into my mouth so help me God

Yes, this is the fourth picture in a row of that kid. I can’t help it.

Someone even dressed up like Brian Emo, get it? get it?

Friday night Jon put on his mod parka he got from a friend in 1985 when he was on a Mormon mission in Manchester, England, and I dressed up as the lead singer of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. My costume didn’t involve much except black clothing, a lot of product in my hair, and really [...]

How to Annoy Me

You know that scre-hee-heeeee-heeee-ming thing you do when I leave the room? Yeah? WELL, STOP IT.

Perspective of the lonely abandoned toy

You’re supposed to start out in first gear, not third

Dear Beth, Thank you for letting me borrow your car even though I hadn’t driven a stick shift in over two years and stalled FOUR times in the span of a half mile and then scared the living shit out of that old lady who was about to cross the street but because she had [...]

I should have put the camera down to help her up, but, um, I didn’t

Those are Old Navy coupons I received in the mail and she played with them for like FIVE WHOLE MINUTES. F.I.V.E. One two three four FIVE. And then she got bored and started screaming and I grabbed the camera.

You be well for me

Last week my sister’s neighbor committed suicide. He was the father of four children, the oldest being 11, the youngest being 3, and his wife found him in their bedroom where he had hanged himself. I am telling you this because when my sister told me about it yesterday I almost hit the floor. That [...]

Thinking

At 3:30 AM when he can’t stop tossing or sitting up to blow his nose or hack up his lung and he lies back down again and says, “I’m sorry, I know I’m keeping you awake, I can go sleep on the couch,” I know that my life is so good when I feel with [...]

Moments before I swallowed her cheeks whole