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How to Charm Me

Tell me that your fart isn’t going to stink because . . . you’re magic!

A Story About My Ass

I am the youngest of three children and the only one my mother breastfed. I was born at a time when it was vogue for women to formula feed their children, but by the time I came along my mother wanted to experience breastfeeding, and did she! 22 months of nothing but breastfeeding — no [...]

Introducing the Newest Member of Our Family: The Nikon D70

We bought a new camera this weekend. It was an accident, I promise. We didn’t go in there with the actual intention of making a purchase, it just sort of happened. You know how these things happen: there was a sales pitch and then we got to touch the camera and then there was a [...]

Thinking

The caption under this picture should read: “And the best part about it? You can cuss at the Best Buy customer service employees WITH YOUR HANDS FREE!”

RE: HOW ABOUT I TAKE AWAY YOUR BINKY, YOU BITCH!

I never knew that the binky was such a political issue, and when we took away Leta’s pacifier earlier this week we apparently took away the Internet’s pacifier, and the Internet is PISSED. According to the Internet Leta is going to suck her thumb until she turns 12 or 13 years old, all because I [...]

The Day the Binky Died

For the past four days Jon and I have been running a division of the Betty Ford Clinic as we try to break Leta of her crippling addiction to the pacifier. We’ve taken away her cigarettes, her heroin, her daily 64 oz Diet Coke, and from the resulting hours of weeping and gnashing of the [...]

God Bless Merka!

It’s been a troubling weekend for the Merkin People. Creed split up, Ronald Reagan died, Smarty Jones didn’t win the Triple Crown, and Jennifer Lopez got married, again. Someone please tell me, how do we pick up the pieces and move on? One of the reasons Jon and I make each other very happy is [...]

Thinking

Oh, the sanctity of heterosexual marriage!

How to Annoy Me

Think that the sound of the laptop clicking shut means that it’s time to go for a walk, when all it means is that I’ve closed the laptop. CHILL OUT, DOG.

Formula

Last week I resumed regular aerobic exercise for the first time since Leta’s birth four months ago. I have always used working out as a mechanism to fight depression which is one of the reasons the transition into motherhood has been so difficult for me. There was no way I could hop onto an elliptical [...]