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Did Mona Lisa have a period?

The problem with the Internet is that a woman who is experiencing premenstrual syndrome has access to it and can publish her thoughts for everyone in the world to read. This is a bad thing. The Internet should just stop for three days a month so that a woman can regain her composure and not [...]


Thou Shalt Not

“You haven’t ever worn your clogs to work, have you?” “Yes. Once.” “YES? WHEN? Why didn’t I notice?” “I don’t know why you didn’t notice, but I was waiting for the rebuke!”

Of Lima Beans and Pickle Juice

There is a wonderful man in Texas named Bill who sends me email from time to time about the things he remembers about raising his kids who are a bit older now, one of whom is studying to be a rocket scientist. I always wait to read them until Jon gets home, and then I [...]



When I Grow Up

Someone just pointed out that my website is also the first search result for “Mormon cusser” and “motherfucking Mormon.” I AM SO SORRY, MOM!

Chillin’ on the MUNI


Hello, Internet. My name is Heather and my website is the number one search result for “poop in my ass.” Life doesn’t get much better than that.