Email: But can you wire a dishwasher?

From: Andy Subject: Jeopardy genius? Chechnya and Chet Baker? No doubt your husband is an intellectual bruiser, but these are hardly Mensa-level topics. I knew them and I’m STATE COLLEGE educated. AK —— Dooce Note: Let us all bow before Andy, Oh STATE COLLEGE Educated Popper of My Little Bubble. I am PRIVATE COLLEGE educated [...]

Makes Mouths Happy

Here is a photo of my daughter with a cancer-causing, artery-clogging twizzler in her mouth. Please commence getting all up in my ass. We’re back. It wasn’t a good week. It would classify somewhere between not very good and disastrous leaning heavily toward the disastrous end. We have a whole bunch of errands to run [...]

In a Van Down by the River

We will be spending the next four days in the mountains with my side of the family, a raucous group of people that includes my sister and her five kids, my brother and his three kids, my mother and step-father and my step-father’s bologna. My mother thought it would be fun for all of us [...]

I know I said that I wouldn’t talk about them anymore, but if yours were as sore as mine you’d be talking about them, too

I didn’t think it was possible to shock my father any more than he has been Heather-shocked, but last night on the phone when I told him that I had cabbage in my bra he nearly choked as his lung got lodged in his throat. I figured that if the Internet knows this about me, [...]

The Beginning of the End of All This Talk About My Boobs

Leta slept in a little later this morning, until about 7:20 AM. Since we’ve been back from San Francisco she’s been going to bed at 6 PM and waking at 6 AM, so this morning I lay there awake waiting for her morning noises, little grunts and sighs and gurgles that say, “Please come get [...]

Milestones and Mental Diseases

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and after several days of Leta’s unwillingness to eat a full meal during the day I found myself on the phone with La Leche League, otherwise known in this household as The Boob Nazis. I was worried about my milk supply, that somehow my boobs might dry up because [...]

The Breastfeeding Hunger

It’s only 10 AM and I’ve already had four pieces of chocolate. I’ve always liked chocolate, but I’ve never been particularly tempted by it. That is, until I brought a baby home from the hospital and started feeding her with my boobs. Now I’m trying to figure out how I can add chocolate to everything [...]

Boob

So, the whole breastfeeding things works. Who knew! Who knew that you could sustain the life of another human being solely on the contents of your breasts? There isn’t an official breast person to stand by and make sure I’m doing the whole thing right, but I have to assume that my boobs are working [...]

CBS Should Make Me Apologize for this Post

I decided many years ago that when I eventually had kids I would try my hardest to breastfeed them. I knew it would be something I would have to work at because my sister, whose boobs are far bigger and seemingly more life-giving than mine, had such difficulty trying to breastfeed each of her five [...]

Strategies for Indoocement

Last night I had a dream that Al Roker was demonstrating proper breastfeeding techniques to me and a room full of 18 other pregnant women. He had gigantic nipples and was handling them with an almost unlawful carelessness, just swinging them around and pinching them and mooshing them like little red meat patties. He made [...]