Thank god my signature already resembles chicken scratch

My doctor made a comedic reference to a “pain journal” not knowing that he just summed up an entire industry.

Matters of the hand

There isn’t even a name for what happened to me so I’m calling it “Just Put Down Your Damn Phone.”

When it takes a village

I am giving you permission to discipline my children unless your approach to discipline is none whatsoever.

An apple a day

He’s going to need you to take a few deep breaths.