The Apricot Apocalypse

And He shall rain down apricots upon the land. And lo, it shall be a total fucking disaster. That tree! That damn tree! Sorry, I know. Two curse words in a post already, but let me tell you. It’s probably just going to get worse from here. It may get so bad that the whole [...]

Four dubbin’

Friday afternoon the whole family hopped on four-wheelers and ATVs for a ride up a mountain in Montana. Doesn’t she look so happy? So carefree? She loved the whole experience, but three hours later she was spitting at me and trying to rip her own face off. I’m going to choose to remember this part [...]

Metaphors in Montana

Last night I slept for eight straight hours and when I woke up I immediately ran outside and bench pressed my car while simultaneously arm wrestling a bear. I won. I can see straight! The world isn’t going to end! I mean, at least not today. It will at some point just as the Book [...]

Does this nervous breakdown make me look crazy?

The trip to Wyoming… where do I… hm… it’s just…okay. We are alive. I’ll start there. No one died. Did I want to die? Do I have to answer that question? Can we change the subject? Here’s the thing about my kids and the way I’ve raised them: we like routines. My kids eat at [...]

An interstellar burst

A couple of weeks ago my brother and I agreed to meet at a sushi restaurant for lunch. A few hours beforehand he texted me to make sure our plans were still firm: (Putting it “in” my website. HOLY SHIT I SEXTED MY BROTHER.) We ordered a ton of bait, and every five minutes or [...]

Linda Wann

Today is The Avon World Sales Leader’s birthday, and no. I’m not going to tell you her age. She put me back in her will when I went and had those two adorable babies, and I stand to inherit a boatload of moisturizer. But that’s the only reason I’m being nice. Well, okay. Fine. NOT [...]

Look at what I did

Last week I posted a horribly embarrassing harmless photo of my brother and me from 1993 to celebrate his 40th birthday. Did I hope that someone from his work would see it? And maybe pass it around to a few other people because NO WAY IS THAT RANGER? The boy in that photo has HAIR! [...]

Sisters

(Photo of my sister September, my mother, my brother Ranger, and me, Christmas 1977. Oh! And Stretch Monster!) Today my sister September turns 42. I don’t think she minds me sharing her age, that kind of vanity just isn’t very important to her. But she would want me to tell you about all five of [...]

Embracing pain

Camp Mighty is pretty much the more crowded version of The Mighty Summit that I attended in Wine Country last year. The goal of these events is to get drunk fall over borrow weed from the guy upstairs explore the idea of what it is you really want your life to be. And what is [...]

The Armstrongs, 2011

Sunday afternoon after Marlo’s nap we all got a little dressed up so that