How to cook: use one hand to call for takeout, the other to scratch your butt.
My family saves me again. They give Mormons a pretty damn good name.
I am the parental equivalent of the black jelly bean.
A thank you note to my incredible family.
And He shall rain down apricots upon the land. And lo, it shall be a total fucking disaster. That tree! That damn tree! Sorry, I know. Two curse words in a post already, but let me tell you. It’s probably just going to get worse from here. It may get so bad that the whole [...]
Friday afternoon the whole family hopped on four-wheelers and ATVs for a ride up a mountain in Montana. Doesn’t she look so happy? So carefree? She loved the whole experience, but three hours later she was spitting at me and trying to rip her own face off. I’m going to choose to remember this part [...]
Last night I slept for eight straight hours and when I woke up I immediately ran outside and bench pressed my car while simultaneously arm wrestling a bear. I won. I can see straight! The world isn’t going to end! I mean, at least not today. It will at some point just as the Book [...]
The trip to Wyoming… where do I… hm… it’s just…okay. We are alive. I’ll start there. No one died. Did I want to die? Do I have to answer that question? Can we change the subject? Here’s the thing about my kids and the way I’ve raised them: we like routines. My kids eat at [...]
A couple of weeks ago my brother and I agreed to meet at a sushi restaurant for lunch. A few hours beforehand he texted me to make sure our plans were still firm: (Putting it “in” my website. HOLY SHIT I SEXTED MY BROTHER.) We ordered a ton of bait, and every five minutes or [...]
Today is The Avon World Sales Leader’s birthday, and no. I’m not going to tell you her age. She put me back in her will when I went and had those two adorable babies, and I stand to inherit a boatload of moisturizer. But that’s the only reason I’m being nice. Well, okay. Fine. NOT [...]