Flap your arms like a migrating duck as I try to put your coat on. HOLD STILL, KID, or you’re going to take flight.
Spend all that money remodeling your house, and then stick the air conditioning unit RIGHT IN FRONT, like a booger or a scab that begs to be flicked.
Pronounce Walmart like WOOL MORT. Have you no soul?
Give me that stern, exasperated look when I lift up on the car door handle at the precise moment you try to unlock the car. I CANNOT HELP IT. IT’S A GENETIC DISORDER.
Ask me if your fart stinks as if I would actually consider understaking that investigation.
Continue to say, “Da da,” throughout the day as if he is the one standing there changing all those dirty diapers. It’s MA MA, kid. MA. MA.
Scream as I pull a shirt over your head and stick your arm through the sleeve, as if this is some sort of new torture I am inflicting on you, as if you haven’t had a shirt pulled over your head EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE. SUBMIT.
Close state-owned liquor stores on Federal holidays. Goddamn Columbus, why did he have to go and discover America today?
Get the questions right on “Jeopardy!” EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE DRUNK. I know “Who is Chet Baker?” was the obvious question, BUT YOU WERE DRUNK! Nothing should have been obvious. However, you did put your shoes away this morning without being asked to do so. All is forgiven.
Sit on top of me indicating that you want me to take you on a walk thus preventing me from being able to actually get up and take you on that walk, DOG.