Qualifying for Pacific Northwestern Citizenship

Now, I know I’m supposed to be talking about the trip and giving details about how beautiful it is in Seattle and all that sort of thing. And I’ll go ahead and do that, I’ll let you know that Seattle is absolutely breathtaking, especially in sunlight. I’ve been here four times and this is the [...]

Some of the Celebrities other than Shannon Elizabeth and Giovani Ribisi I have Encountered While Living in Los Angeles

Note: Jon and I will be leaving Southern California on Friday, so pardon the next few posts while I reminisce about living in this big, bad, botox-laden Promised Land. Calista Flockhart on San Vicente Blvd in Brentwood pushing her son in a stroller. She’s extraordinarily and not surprisingly tiny, yet she can push a stroller [...]

Here in the Three Two Three

Jon and I spent the entire day yesterday helping our neighbors move their two-bedroom apartment into a storage space, a storage space on the second floor of a winding storage building with elevators operational only with 10 digit access codes. What we thought was going to be a two-hour rush of heavy wooden objects and [...]

Curbside Pick-Up/Fuck Factory (DVD) Double Feature!

So Jon and I have met several hundred people in the neighborhood simply by walking Chuck an average of 14 times a day, and although I don’t remember any of their names, or more specifically can’t remember, because the only thing I learned in college was how to forget things like people’s names, I remember [...]

The Longest Elevator Ride of My Life

So Jon and I are parking the car, and the parking structure is monstrous, one of those structures that goes five floors underground, and the only empty spaces are on the fifth floor in a remote cavernous corner. And we don’t necessarily mind, because we’re going to see one of those arty movies that’s only [...]

You Only Get Five

Ok. So. Jon and I were standing out in front of the apartment, waiting for the dog to go pee or something, something that the dog normally does outside the apartment. And while we were waiting we were sort of re-enacting a certain scene from “Moonlight Mile,” a movie we’d just seen the night before. [...]

I Am So Not Kidding About This

So there’s this dog in the neighborhood. And this dog is a pure bred adult male who still sports a rather large set of testicles. This dog is named after the lead in a comedy series from the sixties, and I’d love tell you his name but the last time I talked about someone’s dog [...]

Barbielicious

I remember the first time I undressed Malibu Barbie and made her sleep with Donny Osmond Barbie. I never owned a proper Ken doll, and although I knew Malibu Barbie would never have chosen to sleep with Donny, the supreme virginal archetype of all Mormondom, I didn’t have many options. Surprisingly, it never even occurred [...]

Neighbor

Someone downstairs is taking a shower, right now. I know they know that I shower at the same time every morning, this time, this moment right now, and I can’t understand why they would choose to shower when they know that I’m usually showering right this instant. I bet it’s the girl who lives directly [...]

Dear Cranky Old Bitch Who Cut in Front of Me at Canter’s Deli

I am supposed to write and tell you that I am sorry for calling you a “rude old crag” in front of the ten people you so casually jumped in front of while waiting in line at Canter’s Deli last evening. I’ve been told I should apologize for the way I called attention to your [...]