An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Pictorial Recap of a Very Hurtful Holiday

This is my cousin discovering the new habit of walking around with his pants pulled down around his ankles.

This is Jon silently freaking out at the price of water ($4.00/bottle) on the room service menu at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.

This is the green chair in our room at the Hard Rock. Other than the gigantic semen stain on the right side of the cushion, it was a very comfortable chair.

This is the bed in our room at the Hard Rock. It reminds me of a bed you might see in a really creepy scene from a Kubrick movie.

This is really creepy me taking pictures of myself in the bathroom mirror at the Hard Rock. I’m not sure what the “V” on my sweater is supposed to signify, but I think I was pretty successful at convincing everyone that night that it totally stood for “Virgin.”

This is the sunrise outside the window at the Hard Rock, because there’s no such thing as a sunset in Las Vegas.

This is our friend Pat (on the left) and Kent (on the right) outside the Mormon temple in St. George, Utah, about an hour and a half from Las Vegas. Pat was getting married and was about to end a 32-year streak of not getting any.

This is me and our friend Velia outside the St. George Temple reenacting the sacred ceremonies performed within.

This is Velia’s nine month old baby, Miles. You can’t really tell from this photo, but that kid’s head smelled just like vanilla ice cream and I almost ate him.

This is our friend Pat and his lovely new bride Rebecca, right after exchanging vows inside the temple. Notice the heavenly glow about the heavenly couple. It must be God.

This is The Dirty Three: me, Jon, and Sam outside the temple. However, Sam was clean enough that they let him inside the temple.

This is our friend Mike and sometimes he is a pimp.

This is our friend Mike and our new friend Nick. Sometimes Nick is a disco ball.

This me and scrumptious bearded Armstrong, moments before the Absolut Kurant hit like a motherfuking truck.

This is me trying earnestly to be as pimp-like as Mike. I want to be like Mike.

This is Jon telling me, baby, you should really stop trying to be like Mike.

This is me singing Britney’s “Hit Me Baby One More Time” on the karoake machine, moments after the Absolut Kurant hit me like a motherfucking truck.

This is Jon singing Charlie Daniel’s Band “Devil Went Down to Georgia” on the karaoke machine. I’d say the Absolut Kurant hit him more like an economy-size Toyota than a motherfucking truck, but we all can’t hold our liquor like an Armstrong, now can we.

This is me taking a photo of Jon because he was just so cute and because I was just so drunk.

This is Mike singing Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5” on the karaoke machine.

This is a group of random people at this great karoake party. I can’t remember any of their names.

This is more random people. I think I remember the blonde girl on the right talking earlier in the night about how her dress was cutting off her fucking circulation at her fucking underarms, and then she apologized to her niece who was sitting across the room, so fucking sorry for saying fuck. I really think I should hang out with her more.

This is me singing the bassline to Cher’s “Believe” because I was too drunk to get actual words out. And there is the fucking underarm circulation lady. She totally rocks.

This is Mike and we love him dearly.

— All photos by Jon and Heather Armstrong, except for the one of The Dirty Three, that one was taken by a 2-year old.

  • yesno0001

    In the next to last pic, what the hell is that on your pants? (Luv the pix, BTW.) And is that Matthew Perry gazing up at you?

  • Anonymous

    Happy New Year!

  • When I grow up, I want to be you.

  • 11.jpg looks like an indie rock album cover.

    You guys should form an indie rock band.

  • Jie

    hi! found you through a random domain search. i’m loving your site already! 😉 quick hello from british columbia.

  • I could be way off base on this, but judging by yours and Jon’s blue zip-up sweaters, you guys are like, one step away from matching track suits.

  • kgjbnme

    oh. my. god. still gagging at the thought (and sight, thanks) of the gigantic semen stain…

  • What is it about babies and their damn Vanilla smelling heads? Babycrack. Babycrack! They do it on purpose, I swear.

  • Heather, you’re so fucking adorable. I appologize for any underage children who read this. I’m fucking sorry for saying “fuck”. 😉

  • Bryan

    How did the Absolut Kurant hit Chuck?

  • Jen

    Happy New Year. Looks like you had a really great time, but what is that on your pants?

  • i laughed out loud at the first karaoke pic of you. absolut funniness. happy new year. and oh yeah, you need to get to reproducing. or something. you shouldn’t eat other people’s kids, only your own.

  • Glovia

    Hopefully next New Years we’ll see photos of your own vanilla baby (with no licks or bite marks, of course).

  • Lex

    Good news, Dooce — if you keep ’em clean, babies’ heads keep smelling that way well into their 2nd year. If I didn’t think it would bring Social Services down on my head, I’d say that sniffing my 22-month-old son’s’ head while he reclines on my chest with his bedtime milk is one of the highlights of my day.

    I’ve never wanted to eat him, though. Should you see a professional about that?

    Happy New Year.

  • Amy

    Great pictures, as always. I’m loving the dirty three.

  • is mike single? mmm… cute.

  • i would sell a kidney to be half as cool as you dooce.

    beware of spending too much time around vanilla scented babies who smile a lot while you are in love. it puts baaaaad thoughts in your head. when those thoughts happen it’s best to pinch the baby to hear the screams you will have to endure should you succumb to those vanilla scented urges or motherhood. but if you ever pinch *my* darling vanilla scented babies i am likely to smack you senseless. if you can resist just wait until changing time. it’s also a potent antidote to that hypnotic vanilla scent.

  • e

    just wanted to say that i love the pink pigs. thanks for the endless entertainment, really. happy new year!

  • six30

    OMG. I enjoyed every photo! You all had tons of fun.

  • I would love to hear the soundtrack of you and your friend Velia outside the St. George Temple reenacting the sacred ceremonies performed within.

  • At first I thought the pigs had wings and you’d gone back to ways o’ Utah.

    The pictures reassured me that Dooce continues doocily along.

  • rd

    My God, how does your cousin’s mother get those floors so shiny?

  • Bless you for posting photos, Dooce. You’re gifted with a lens and shutter.

    Is your cousin with his pants around his ankles, perhaps, just prepping for his potty room activity and dropping trou’ in route? You know, so like he wastes no time once he gets there? Cute kids in your family, and yet none of your relatives are married to Blurbolucious Armstrong. I shudder to think of the cute-ocity of those Armstrong offspring. Get to it!

  • getting presents after the holidays rocks. i like mike’s – eh, your – eh, the glasses. definitely rockin’ pimp glasses.

  • I think that 2-year-old definitely has a future in photography. And you should so form a band, who wouldn’t want to listen to The Dirty Three?

  • yea the head smells pretty good for the first few years.

    THen they start to smell like pee…

  • nicole

    dude, you are SO bananarama

  • i dont know about anyone else but i wanna do karoake now. happy new year dooce, hope its a good one!

  • Dirty Three is already a band, y’all. That was the joke.

  • omg. dooce, what is on your pants in that second to last picture?

    is the internet filled with pervs lately? or am i just drunk? or can i say: “people, get over it. jeans sometimes have spots. or perhaps miss dooce set a beer can on her leg, which gave off some sweat.”

    christ. not every site on the internet is for pron.

  • fine, i am drunk! but still. what is with the pervs!!

  • Kris

    The pictures are great — as always. So why was it such a hurtful Christmas?? 🙁

  • shy

    you are so pimp-daddy!

  • I’d say we’re an RV and twelve grandkids away from the tracksuit(s).

  • I would give away any extra organ to be half as cool as dooce. The pictures, as usual, are above par.

  • how random – i clicked on your site from butt-nekkid’s site, and saw your pics at the temple. i’m in salt lake (though not a mormon, praise be), and laughed my ass off at how small this world is! great pics, though.

  • um, is mike from bountiful, utah? swear to god, he looks like someone i graduated with.

  • kd

    the track suits come much sooner — maybe after the second or third vanilla-headed baby.

    it starts with dog-decorating. it’s a slippery slope.

  • yesno0001

    Meredith wrote, “not every site on the internet is for pron.” Well, if that’s the case, then the terrorists have already won.

  • You as Mike rocks.

  • Dirtious

    Where are the old old archives? bring back the angry dooce on the “go pill!”

  • heather, you are the cutest thing since… i don’t know what, hehee.

  • L.A. Grump

    I’ll never stay at the Hard Rock again. On the wall behind the front desk are the words “Here we are now, entertain us. – Kurt Cobain” That’s so fucking deep, man. Blow me.

  • Heather — I ran across your site last year in April or so. I really enjoyed it, and was bummed when you took it offline. I just re-discovered your site this week, and was glad that you’ve revived it. Good luck in Utah!

  • I may just have to go over there to steal your “V” sweater, but first I’ll have to kiss your absolutely fucking adorable forehead….then I’ll take the sweater and run!

  • axl

    man are you people good-looking.

  • sheila

    i have a piggy bank that looks something like your cute pigs. i keep my wheat pennies in it.

  • Dooce, you are such a total babe. I thought it was impossible for anyone to look hot while doing kareoke, but you and Mister Armstrong totally pulled it off. You guys should have your own kareoke porn or something.

  • My boyfriend’s forehead smells just like a baby’s head. Why make a new one when I already got one?

  • Anonymous

    The heavenly couple: Pat looks like he knows the streak is about to end, while Rebecca has a look on her face as if the thought has just dawned on her that she is about to become a human pin-cushion.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

read more