An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Only in Utah

There’s a disturbing new fashion trend among teenage girls in Utah of wearing fuzzy house slippers in public. Perhaps its not singluar to Utah, and maybe I wasn’t paying attention when I lived in Los Angeles, but it’s hard to go a day here without seeing a seemingly rational 16-yr old girl walking around in gigantic, dander-producing slippers fashioned in the likeness of rodents.

I’m not terribly surprised about this, primarily because I’ve been conditioned over several years to expect the worst from people in Utah when it comes to fashion. Now, you have to realize that everyone in Utah is blonde and blue-eyed and, if transported to another state, might be wildly beautiful. But when these Aryan specimens are gathered into one gigantic pigment-less mass it’s the scariest thing you’ve ever seen.

The typical Utah outfit consists of a starchy white shirt, a pair of pleated khaki pants that hit the leg just above the ankle, a brown belt and brown shoes. I know this doesn’t sound too bad, but even when they mix it up a little bit with a skirt or a sweater they’re still wearing the brown belt and brown shoes. I recently saw a woman dressed entirely in black, with a black silk shirt and black stretchy pants, and she still had on her brown belt and brown shoes. Last time I checked Johnny Cash was not the new Jennifer Lopez.

The next thing you’ll notice about people in Utah, as you glance upward from the brown belt and brown shoes, is the attention to detail they give to the back of their heads. It’s as if the whole state has been told that they can’t possibly go out with the back of their heads looking like that, and so they go back and spend ten more minutes with their backsides to the mirror creating what I like to call The Conflagration! It’s a miniature replica, in follicle form, of the ferocious fire that will swallow the earth at the second coming of Jesus Christ. It’s as if people are bearing testimony with their hair that God lives and is angry.

Now we’ve got the whole frightful furry slipper phenomenon, and I have to admit that I welcome the break from the brown shoes. But I wonder where it will go from here, you know? We can only hope they don’t follow my Aunt Lola’s lead and dress entirely in leopard-print negligee.

  • OMG that’s so funny! I’ve never seen anyone in big fuzzy slippers (other than myself – I have big pink ones – but goodness, I don’t wear them in public!!!)!

  • The fuzzy slipper wearing thing is popular with jr. and high school girls here in Arizona. They wear their pajama pants to school too. My daughter does it all the time.

  • Irk

    Frootbetty: I totally thought you were gonna say that the Japanese girls would put one slipper of color A on one foot, followed by a slipper of color B, and then put slipper B followed by slipper A on the other foot. Like we used to do with slouch socks.

  • PrincessEvilina

    The fuzzy slipper thing is popular here in Fresno as well. My polite indignation knows no bounds.

  • shy

    fuzzy animal anything was the new thing in hong kong and japan two years ago. like… that’s just SO two years ago!!!

  • First of all, poop: you stink. (That sounded so clever before I actually wrote it.)

    Secondly, black long john bottoms with boots? No. No way. Uh-uh. Forget it. No way in hell do black long john bottoms look good with anything. Ever. Not even when you’re sleeping. And definitely not boots.

    Last but not leastly, “For the love of Brigham” almost made me pee my pants.

  • Where are the pictures? I looked in the photos area, I did not see them??

  • Godamn scary! Slippers? I hate slippers! As if wearing socks with sandals wasn’t bad enough, we now have people in fuzzy slippers on the streets… oh boy *sigh*

  • susan

    I visited with a friend of mine from Utah on a trip to Vegas just a few weeks ago – she had the hair thing going on. I thought it was because of having 6 kids that the wild hair ‘do’ was hip on her, with her blond tresses. I see that I was wrong now.

  • Sandals and socks will always be worse. Than what? Than everything. I remember one morning in elementary school where I walked all the way to school and was lining up outside to go into class when i realized i hadn’t bothered to get dressed and was still wearing my batman pajamas – bottoms and tops – and I had to run and find my older sister at the school next door and she refused to take me home.

  • oh just wait! have you been in utah in summer yet? because that’s when it gets really good 😉 because everyone (mormon) wears garments, they can’t wear regular shorts, or any kind of tank tops. so the women wear these really long-ass things (i think they’re called culottes) that come down just past their knees that are oh-so-attractive with their pasty white skin. just wait til it hits a 100 degrees there!

  • jen

    Come to Baltimore, Hon. The fuzzy slippers have been a fashion trend since 1953, long before John Waters ever immortalized them. We also have your ‘conflagration’, but I always thought that was caused by too many hair products causing the ends to break off when an attempt is made to blow dry the scraggly hairmass into a flip…

  • And by the way.. the attack beagle has the same cardboard toilet paper roll fetish. Except he likes to empty the rolls himself by grabbing the end of the toilet paper and running maniacally through the house til it’s done.

  • thePOSTMAN

    “But when these Aryan specimens are gathered into one gigantic pigment-less mass it’s the scariest thing you’ve ever seen.” – If you think that is scary, then you should check out Phoenix AZ, not only do we have large Aryan population, they have all had plastic add-ons to improve themselves.

  • It sounds cozy to me.

  • I totally gotcha on the whole toilet paper roll thingee. But thats not the bad part. Its when they start stealing the whole thing with toilet paper on it off the dispenser and shredding the toilet paper and cardboard roll everywhere…all while you are sleeping.

  • Paula, click on “Photos” in Dooce’s menu, then click on any of the headlines there which will take you to postings with photos. There’s no dedicated gallery – rather, a set of links to postings that contain her marvelous photos.

  • ah, maybe the second coming of “moonboots”.

  • Dooce, sweetie? I thought my stinky poop comment was bad BEFORE you removed the corresponding post.

  • Sarah L.

    I have a question that’s totally unrelated to fuzzy slippers: Dooce, do you have any relatives in Chicago? I get on the train every night and several stops later, a very tall woman who resembles you gets on. She looks very stern as she reads her fashion magazines, and she seems to be in a health related field. Or is it possibly just an expat Utahn doing some moonlighting?

  • Hm… Utah sounds boring.

  • nicole

    SO incredible hilariously true. I lived for two years in Utah, where the Utah uniform is exactly as described. Thanks for the laughs. (And I still have my brown utah shoes.)

  • Shawn

    Holy Crap Sarah L. I saw a Dooce look-a-like last night at a bar in the suburbs of Chicago. Clones perhaps?

  • Just checking: What is the name for someone from New Hampshire? New Hampshirer?People from Illinois are Illini, right, not Illinoisians?

    When I lived in Arizona we’d joke about Utards.

  • chorizo, the name for someone from NH is “Republican” 😉

  • powergirlred

    Back in college, I would always see people sportin’ the pj bottoms and slippers. I always thought that they just rolled out of bed and were late for class or something. It used to piss me off because, dude, if you have enough time to put on slippers, you have enough time to put on sneakers, dammit! I am now horrified to find out that it was all in the name of (bad) fashion…..

  • Sam

    I hate to say it, but I know what you’re talking about. It was a trend of sorts at my school a year or so ago, and today I still see girls wearing the fluffy slippers. What IS the world coming to?

  • New Hampshire Girlie

    chorizo …

    It’s New Hampshirite. Of course we rarely use that term except when we’re out of state. In state we just refer to ourselves as “natives.” There are so many MA trasnsplants — affectionately known as Massholes to we New Hampshirites — it’s getting hard to tell.

  • New Hampshire Girlie

    tracy …

    You’d be surprised. Most NHites fall into the libertarian category. It’s the whole “Live Free or Die” thing. We mean it! That’s the state doesn’t make people buckle up or wear motorcycle helmets if they’re over 18. (This also helps society via natural selection.)

  • here in Hicktown, Ohio I see fuzzy slipper wearers all the time. i thought it was just here – well because it is hicktown.

  • mal

    now i’m going to have to start calling that fire hair “preview of coming attractions.”

  • hmw

    Consider yourself blessed that they may actually be *trying*… in Philadelphia, teens and grown women alike wander about the street and into stores in not only slippers, but pajama bottoms, too! And it’s not like they are cool or cutesy….in fact half the time, they are even dirty!

    I’ve attributed it to the fact that they took the “Philly Sleepover” commercials (in which everyone wears their pj’s to local attractions, theatre, etc.) seriously.

  • is anyone paying attention to what dooce is listening to!?! fluffy slippers are funny and all, but bettie serveert will save your life.

  • I just have to add that ya’ll who are dissin’ the slippers, are old. What did your mothers tell YOU was atrocious when YOU were kids. Live and let live. It’s anti-social… just what teens love. Get a grip. They’re not trying to be “fashionable”… they’re trying to be anti-fashionable. Geez.

  • Igor

    So that explains the outrageously gorgeous Dooce. Next, I’ve seen (and I’m reasonably sure they’re not photoshopped) pictures of Japanese girls wearing skirts. Which is nothing worth mentioning if not for the fact that for some reason that I cannot possibly fathom, the front and/or backside of the skirt is printed so that it looks as if you’re seeing the woman/girl’s panties and upper legs. IF this is not a hoax I don’t know whether to find this attire sick or fascinating. A pair of brown shoes and a brown belt sound decidedly reasonable in comparison.

  • just because the slippers may be the latest teen “fashion” now doesn’t mean that 10 years from now they won’t look at old pictures and cringe…

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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