Best way to roast the broomstick. Must try. Five Stars.


Note to My Mother-in-Law Outlining Protocol for Babysitting My Son for the First Time

June 6, 2003


I should never have attempted that aerobic workout to the soundtrack of The Mormon Tabernacle Choir’s Greatest Hits.

How to Charm Me

Pretend not to notice that I’m so bloated it looks as if my butt has crawled around to the front side of my body and taken residence in my gut.

How to Annoy Me

Say “fetch” or “frigg” or “frick” because you don’t want God to hear you say “fuck.” At this point I’m pretty sure God thinks you’re a fucking idiot.

Feeling Guilty

For introducing peanut butter and banana sandwiches into my marriage.


Gillian Welch: Soul Journey

Wonder Woman

So I’m standing there in the kitchen totally craving something sweet after a lunch of leftover spaghetti (which didn’t even make a dent in the amount still left in the gigantic Pyrex container in the fridge — I’m fully incapable of making pasta for two…