the smell of my desperation has become a stench

The grass is always greener

We haven’t mowed our yard in a very long time, since perhaps Nixon was in office. Neighbors are starting to drop hints about property values and whatnot, and our friend Adam suggested we approach our yard like a mullet and just mow the front part, you know: business in front, party in the back. I think that’s a fantastic idea except that our party in the back looks less like a mullet than the pimple-ridden, hairy back of a Turkish janitor.

This is my little way of saying, “Honey, I love you, now it’s time to mow the lawn.”

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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