An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Champagne! For lunch!

  • PoeticaL

    ahhh nice….I could use some of that.

  • Goes great with chili dogs.

  • It isn’t just for breakfast anymore.


  • Every day! Just think how HAPPY we would all be!

    Who was it who described champagne as “drinking the stars”?

  • With a teething baby of my own, I could use some of that right now and its just 9am…

  • I keep ASKING them to provide champagne in the canteen at work, but they reckon 7-up is a good enough substitute!!

  • Champagne for lunch, headache for dinner.

  • The sparkly and the bubbly…..

  • Dooce,
    I just wanted to let you know about this stuff called Bitter Apple. Basically, you spray your dog’s mouth with it and he gets a bitter taste in his mouth thus learning never to do what he did again unless he wants to taste that nastiness again. I’ve only had to do it a few times why yelling “SPRAY!” and now all I have to say is SPRAY or even just bring the bottle out and he knows not to even think about going after the trash can again.

  • Mari

    I’m sure you’ll get lots of dog training advice for Chuck but I thought I’d add my two cents. With respect to the post about spraying bitter apple in chuck’s mouth, it doesn’t do any good to punish the dog after the fact. Chuck would have no idea why you were spraying something gross in his mouth and would probably just learn to avoid you. I think the idea of the bitter apple spray is to spray the *item* that the dog is chewing so that it’s no longer desirable to chew. Obviously that wouldn’t work with Leta’s toys since she’s sticking those things in her mouth too (image her indignant screams if that happened).
    I have a dog that likes to chew and the most effective thing we’ve found is just keeping tempting stuff out of her reach. Good luck!

  • Pictures of booze?

    From the sound of hubby’s latest post, I assume this was taken during last night’s debate??

    (It was rum & coke for me.)

    dr. dave

  • If a candidate ran on Champagne for Breakfast I would totally vote for her. It DOES go great with hot dogs. It goes great with sushi. It goes great with everything. And Emily, the dude who invented it said the thing about drinking stars. A monk. Rock on, monks.

  • hooray for bubbly! what are we celebrating?

  • Heather

    I’ll second the Bitter Apple! We used it quite a few times the first year of our dog’s life, and haven’t had to use it in two years. All you do is show her the bottle, and she snaps right back into shape. Works like a charm!

  • soooo pretty…

    Regarding Senor Chuckles–you could try having a toy that is fun (like the puzzle ball that has treats inside) that only comes out when you guys leave. Given his love of treats, it just may work–or alternately it could frustrate the crap out of him b/c he can SMELL the treats but he can’t get to the treats.

  • Man, I wanna have lunch at your house!

  • Amy

    We used to have a chewing problem with our previous dog. We were also told by our vet (and an animal behavioral specialist–our dog had BIG-TIME issues) that you can’t punish a dog after the fact–they just don’t get it; you have to CATCH them in the act. Anyway, we never sprayed Bitter Apple in his mouth, but we sprayed it on the oh-so-delicious chair legs that he loved to gnaw. We also used baby gates a lot. (Guess those could serve a double purpose for you guys soon!)

    I love your website, by the way… so glad you write online. 🙂

  • Mmmmm, I could go for some champers right now. ;o)

  • Amy

    Oops, almost forgot–I also recommend the puzzle ball (called a Buster Cube, I think?) and a kong. Stuffed kongs are heaven for dogs, and ours gets one (filled with peanut butter) when we leave for work. Makes those heart-wrenching goodbyes a lot easier!

  • Zabe

    I have this littel game I play… “Guess-What-The-Dooce-Picture-Is-From-The-Thumbnail”….

    Today I guessed bongos!

  • i just buy white zinfandel at the 7-11 and shake it up really good.

  • atomic

    Oh how I miss the Before Pregnancy days of home-from-work-lounge-1/2-dressed-on-the-bed-drinking-champagne. Nice to know we get to have those days again on the other side.

  • Forget lunch, I say let’s have it for breakfast!! Please?

    As for the Bitter Apple spray – it’s never to be sprayed directly in the mouth. It’s only to be sprayed on the items you don’t want the dog to chew on.

  • Beautiful Crisp Picture. Love it.

    Thanks for showing things in a different light. That’s exactly why I visit you daily!


  • Dannyn

    Bitter apple is good for most dogs…just not mine, who actually like it. You could spray it on the trash can, and perhaps around the area where Leta’s toys are kept. Another thought would be to close the bathroom door when you leave. There is also a product or two out there to keep a dog from licking his…parts, either because they have a wound or just like that empty ball sac noise. It might make your life a little less stressed, but then you wouldn’t write about it anymore either. Maybe the Congressman would like champagne when you leave? As for teething, the oldest remedy should appeal to you: When the child cries because of teething (or for whaever reason, for that matter), pour a shot of Good whiskey. Take your finger, dip it in the whiskey and rub it on the childs gums. You Drink the rest. Problem solved!

  • Rabooka

    One of our dogs loves the bathroom trashcan. Then we got a lid for it that opened when you pressed a button. Then our little smarty learned how to press that button. Dang dog! Now we turn the trashcan around so the button is against the wall. Haha! Now try to get into the trash!

    You can always close the bathroom door before you leave the house.

  • amy

    That picture is simply yummy…

  • Heidi Shah

    Ah poor Chuck. It is tough being the older sibling with a baby to compete with!

    You do have to tell us why/how Chuck came to be known as the Former Congressman. I searched but couldn’t find a story about it.

  • Anna

    Dooce you rock my world. I’m a regular reader but never comment, but it has to be said – you rock! Don’t ever change for those fuckknuckles who don’t appreciate your rockingness.

    And now, i thought you might appreciate this 😉

  • Anna

    Damn that was embarrassing – it didn’t work :/
    Oh well, here’s the URL:

  • Delicious.

    If you need me, I’ll be over here getting pissed with shaunacat. Cheers!

  • I start my day off with a nice shot of tequila. Champagne? Don’t know if it could give me that “lets take care of a baby while drunk” feeling that we all need.

  • DogMama

    My dog went through a similar phase when I last moved. The remedy? I put his tennis ball under a heavy-duty milk crate…the kind you use in college for storage…he’ll spend 30 minutes trying to figure out how to either lift it with his snout or flip it over with his paw. By the time he gets it, he is mentally and physically exhausted….coupled with some bitter apple sprayed on the trash can and you’re on your way to a relief….by the way, what’s the status of the t-shirts?

  • Aspenchick

    Hell. Yes.

  • Mir

    Who knew photos of booze would evoke so much dog-rearing advice? Certainly not me. Color me shallow; I’m just thirsty, now….

  • Sue FO

    is it Dom? Moet? or something California? either way, it’s ALL good!

  • Is anyone else pronouncing champagne like the Continental from SNL? You know, the other funny Christopher Walkin sketches? ok. Maybe I’m the only dork. 🙂

  • Elegant Goose

    Oh how lovely, another nice, long post! I love it when you can help me waste 10 minutes of precious work / homework time. (Grad school sucks… well, no it doesn’t but busywork does.)

    I too play the “guess the picture from the thumbnail game.”

  • Not wanting to be a downer or anything, but it sounds like Chuck is displaying the early signs of separation anxiety. Take it from a total stranger (that’s me) that you want to address this ASAP. There are lots of ways to address it, I’d tell you what we had to do but it’d take a while – email me if you care to hear my story, but I’m sure you can do research on the ol’ web all you like. But it’s definitely a LOT easier to deal with early on.

  • I wanted to echo Dannyn and say that my dog LOVED the Bitter Apple spray and we promptly returned it to PetCo! Just something to watch out for! 🙂

  • I bet you’re drinking Mums right?
    “Meet the parents” reference. – oh well.

    And that ghastly, dry, empty ball sack licking you hate? ARGH!! I hate it too, except my dogs is a female so it’s more like the ghastly, dry, pussy licking that I hate.

  • Cora’s mommy

    I have grown very fond of Margarita’s every night. I think I might make the best ever. I wake up looking forward to my one (BIG) drink after Cora goes to bed!

  • Chuck and my Lily must be long-lost cousins. She also has a thing for digging tissues and whatnot out of the bathroom trash and shredding them all over the floor.
    We tried the bitter apple spray back in her puppy days. It never did keep her from chewing the ever-living shit out of the baby gate, nor did it keep her from chewing a hole in the vinyl floor. Hubby and I debated on trying hot pepper sauce, but decided it would be cruel.

  • Kris

    I want to reiterate that a stuffed Kong is something I’ve seen recommended over and over. Some owners say their dogs get *excited* when the owners show signs of leaving because they know they’re getting a stuffed Kong. You can buy cans of cheese and peanut-butter stuffing from the Kong people, but you can use your own PB too. I used liver biscotti (ohdeargoddess, biscotti for dogs, whatthefuh?) or the same kibbles she gets for dinner. She got very good at rolling the Kong around to eject them, and they were less messy than PB.

    Good luck! Separation anxiety is definitely treatable or trainable or whatever.

  • rabooka

    I have found freezing a Kong filled with peanut butter keeps my dogs in lala land for a long while.

    I want to hear Dawns story for future family planning.

  • Peanut butter Kongs work wonders, but they elicit a rather distinctive licking sound all their own, on par with nutsack cleaning. Not to mention, you have to be okay with the smell of peanut butter. It will be everywhere. They will breathe peanut butter dog breath on you for hours.

    I don’t think I could stand peanut butter breath on Jude Law, much less a dog.

  • We had to teach our dog the commands Leave It and Drop It, but those only work when we catch him with the contraband (e.g., bras, socks, underwear)

    We put some snappy trainers in our trash cans and those helped him from raiding those. Snappy Trainers are essentially mouse traps with big fans attached to them,so they make a big noise when the dog sticks his nose on them, but they don’t hurt him.

    Our guy usually does these bad things when he really wants attention. Even if it’s bad, he wants us to notice him.

  • noa

    champagne enema? no…never!

  • pinecone

    I am waiting for the moment that Leta starts adopting Chiuck’s behaviour. She will have, by now, registered that the dog gets up to things, and will, of course, want equal opportunities. After all, what self-respecting infant would play second fiddle to an older sibling? Especially a sibling that doesn’t always pay attention. So, I foresee an entertaining series of stories about attempting to explain the difference between people and dogs.

  • Still think you should put the Baby and Jon’s Parental Rights on ebay!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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