An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Moments before I swallowed her cheeks whole

  • Kat

    First. Bitches.

  • Damn.

  • Sara

    Damn it!

  • Dale

    Can’t blame you at all!

  • Nelle

    Holy crap, the cutness! It burns!

    And is that RED hair?!

  • Sheri


  • Sara

    And… OH SO CUTE!

  • She is unbelievably edible.

    I’ve theorized that the reason some kids bite other kids is because adults around them are constantly saying things like, “I’m going to eat you up” or “I could just EAT you!”
    My daughter, when she was about 2, bit a baby’s head in daycare…didn’t break the skin, thank God…but it was obvious to me that she did it out of pure LOVE. She was hugging the baby, and the next natural thing to do was to taste her!

  • I will have you know that I blame you fully for any recent “I want a baby NOW!” kicks I have been on. And also for the fact that the D70 is on my christmas list. Therefore, my husband knows you by name, and I do believe you are on his shit list, for the above named reasons. 😉

  • So very tired.. (and off to bed now)

    Good Morning Heather!


    Yeah! Baby!

    Oh sorry..

    How could you NOT snack on those cheeks?! What a cutie!

  • Oops. Make that 12. Damn, you people are FAST!

  • EyeDigress

    Proof…I have documented proof for my husband. My dog’s feet smell like Fritos as well and he doesn’t believe me…

  • I believe baby cheeks taste extra good with buffalo sauce… not sure if you like that at all?!?!

  • Awwwww leta’s a real cutie bum!
    Don’t they just steal your heart. I posted soem pics of me and my little fella. I wish I had degital, but all teh same he’s cute. She takes great pics, adn you say she mc screams alot.. no evidence here of that!

  • Beth

    Leta’s looking a lot like her Mama in that picture — especially like the childhood pic in the “Dooce Effect.”

    One reason not to swallow her whole: think of the constipation!

  • Jen

    Oh the drool! It never ends. How are those teeth coming along?

  • Kel

    Awww…what a cute little boy! Little fella? Realtors are douchbags. Our realtor proceeded to tell us about his former client that used to leave her thong underwear hanging in the laundry room. His exact words: “She was really fat and the string on that thing was HUGE!”. He was the least creepy one that we interviewed. Pig.

  • Kel

    Oh yeah, and what a cutie pie!

  • Adorable picture; lovely, plump little cheeks; beautiful (red?? as in septic tank poopy?) hair.

    I must share something, as this seems the most appropriate forum for this particular type of sharing…
    I had a throwing up/diarrhea/sweet-Jesus-just-kill-me-now stomach bug which started night before last and kept me home from work yesterday. When I got to work this morning, my boss (a very sweet and kind older gentleman) was asking me how I was feeling, etc. I had told him that, long after the throwing up, etc. had stopped, I still FELT absolutely horrible for most of the day.
    And he said…(and he was totally being serious and sympathetic)…
    “Yeah, that kind of thing can REALLY TAKE IT OUT OF YOU.”

    And I haven’t been able to stop snickering.

  • HazelEyedPisces

    SCRUMPTIOUS! Gobble ’em up for us.

  • Stacy

    Eye- the question should be, do dogs’ feet smell like fritos, or do fritos smell like dogs’ feet?

  • I she going to be a redhead?

  • BarefootGoddess

    I put the D70 on my Christmas list too and my husband told me I needed to step back into reality

  • Such cuteness! What amazingly expressive eyes. I can hardly stand the cuteness.

    The cuteness of Leta sends a message directly to my ovaries. “Must. Have. Baby. Ignore. Husband’s. Plea to wait. NOW. Baby.”

    Ah…Cave Ovaries. They can sure sweet talk a woman.

  • PKD

    Babies don’t have the same internal organ as children–it takes a while for those to develop. Starting at about 6 month, baby innards are composed mostly of one huge drool gland.

  • Yeah I agree with Sarah, the biting comments hit home. I apparently was edible enough in my childhood to daily come home from preschool with bite marks all over my back. I know little girls are supposed to be made of “sugar, and spice, and everything nice” but give us a break.

  • red

    sometimes her hair has a red tint to it. you know i’m a little partial. 😉

  • Colleen from NJ

    If I were not big, fat 8 months painfully pregnant with my third boy, I wouldn’t be able to concentrate for that “screamiing ovary” sound that others are experiencing. I could go for the girl, except what am I, nuts?
    That little cherub looks magically delicious.


    That is one adorable little girl you and Jon have there Dooce. But I still don’t get how that realtor mistook her for a boy. Was it the plump full eyelashes or the big adorable eyes? Or perhaps the already forming female facial features! He seems more of a dork than you described him! 🙂 Either way Leta gets cuuuuter and cuuuter everyday! 🙂

    J in TO

  • I really want to point your attention to Leta’s eyes. Instead of two normal eyes she got diamonds. I guess that still has to do with the Armstrong genes.

    Kiss for our beautiful Leta!

  • Carol

    Love the drool. There’s nothing like getting slimed by your little one.

    Both my boys were called “beautiful girls” when they were little. It doesn’t matter. A compliment is a compliment.

  • You know, I think I may know this realtor. Might even be related to him. Are his initials C.B. By any chance?

    If it’s not the same one, there are two very short, strange realtors running round this town.

    Last Thanksgiving dinner he kept making comments about my boobs. Well duh jerkoff I’m nursing twins they are going to be a bit huge. Just quit staring and eat yer damn mashed potatoes.

    Maybe it’s in the rule book.. You know… All short realtors must be freaks of nature, not only in stature but in personality.

    Gotta love the Leta Butterball Cheeks!

  • She is so adorable.

  • Lesley

    I had a smarmy realtor hand me his card (with his own photo on it no less) in the yard of the house we were looking at. Because he handed it over in such a smarmy index finger and tallman finger kind of flip, it fell out of his hand and stuck straight up into a dog turd–like a dog turd placecard holder!!! Oh how I laughed when he drove away in his shiny white Lincoln!

  • Marvellous–Now we get to play, “what’s leta thinking in this photo?”

    Here’s mine: Mama, whatcha doin’ wearing my bib…?

  • I have the D70 on my list too. I had to go and research all the specs so I could actually make a good case for why I needed to have one. After the conversation that boiled down to, “Kristine, we have 5 kids that need presents.” I had to use the last resort…I pulled up the picture of Chuck in Halloween costume and said, “But Honey, I want our children to be THIS cute in pictures.”

    Good morning other Dooce readers. It’s FRIDAY!

  • Soooo nice to see a beautiful little girl without pink frills!

  • Em

    yes – edible!!!! simply delicious!

  • “So I says to Mabel, I says: could ya’ *belieeeve* that my momma dressed the dog as a chicken?”

  • Carol

    “Mama’s making more buffalo wings!! Mmmmmm…buffalo wings!”

  • Karen Rani

    Well that little face makes me want to cancel hubby’s vasectomy appointment that is scheduled for this afternoon.
    We have two boys – Dylan is nearly 6 and Thomas is 4 months old. A girl is not in the cards for us…..sigh….but as Dylan puts it: “you don’t want a girl Mommy. Girls are fancy, and fancy is expensive!”
    Have a great day Dooce!

  • Gia

    Look at that great hair! If you’d have been in my family, my grandfather would have paid you a grand for having a kiddo with red hair – he loved it that much…

  • Carol

    “Now, if I can just ..get .. this … sock.. off …before she turns around…. keep smiling… oh, perfect, some drool… Got it!!

    What? Goo.

  • “We’re going to Starbuck’s again! Whoo hoo!!”

  • Now THAT is one fabulous shade of *non*-septic-tank-poopy-red! Again with the cute hammer!

  • You guys have made a beautiful little girl!

    When I was little, my mom would dress me in as much baby pink as she could find. She would even wrap my head in those ugly stretch ribbon things with a bow on top. And still people would congratulate my parents are their cute baby BOY! (Probably because I didn’t have hair until I was 3…)

    I’m adopted and my parents had tried to have a kid for 18 years before they found me in the cabbage patch. They were so PROUD to have me – their own precious baby girl!

    My dad got so tired of having to explain that I was a girl! He eventually bought me a little baby tee-shirt that said “DAMMIT. I’m a girl!”

  • Todd

    YES! I’M NUMBER….forty seven. Fuck.

  • #48 is great! TGIF

  • That’s exactly the same face my kids make when I’m feeding them Hawaiian Punch intraveiniously.

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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