Playful, elegant, and not above the judicious use of the word “shit."

1961

  • Ty

    About the post-partum woman. That took place in my hometown. Plano is one of those really nice suburbs where everyone looks perfect and drives cars they can’t really afford and has huge homes. It’s a tough city to live in if you aren’t in that ritzy boat. I wonder if that contributed to anything.

    It fascinates me that so many of these stories happen in seemingly “perfect” towns. Or maybe it’s just that we only hear about those cases because the towns are supposed to perfect and therefore it seems more out of the norm.

    I just can’t fathom how you could think to do that, though. EVER.

    On a lighter subject,Heather, right before I started walking at full speed, my mother took me shopping. She had one of those sling strollers. She turned around to pull something off a rack, turned back and I was upside down hanging by one foot which was caught in the strap of the stroller! I never had a stroller again after that! And I think I was about 10 or 11 months old!! Oh, and I only crawled for 2 weeks! As my mother said, just long enough to know I was normal!

    Here comes Leta “The Lightening” Armstrong!

  • GotJesus?

    As they say on FARK.com: I’d hit it.

  • Amanda B! I checked out that link…creeeeepy. How on earth did you stumble across that one? (assuming, of course, you weren’t actually LOOKING for it!)
    Here are my favorite parts, from the two minutes I spent reading it:

    “This site is dedicated to spreading the Gospel in the werewolf and furry communities. It is my hope that many trans-species people will accept Jesus as their Savior through this ministry.”

    “You forget that God is generous and kind. He knows our sufferings, and He will satisfy our longings to become *powerful nonhuman beings* if we remain faithful to Him.”

    “When I go berserk, I pray with more emotion.”

    “I prefer city parks because there is a chance of seeing criminals and thus I can get more easily frightened.”

    Oooooh, it just goes on and on!

    *Giving into my Texas accent*…That rat thayer? That is sum weeeeeerd shi-ut.

  • victoria

    The web page about Melanie’s struggle is incredibly heartbreaking . . . something about seeing the pics of that yougn woman surrounded by her loving family makes it just unbearable.

  • You look like yo mamma! 🙂

  • Thanks for that, Amanda B!

    my favorite parts are:

    “If you are interested in becoming a Christian, please click on the salvation link to the left.”

    and:

    “If you desire a shape-shift, please click on the P-shift essay link to your left and I will guide you.”

    Wow. A whole new meeting of subcultures. Another favorite of mine is the Vegan Gun Toter. And a variant of that, which is the Hippie Intellectual Warmonger.

    I have strange friends.

    Dooce, thanks as always for bringing together the Witty Nutjobs of the Internet. [over-confidently speaking for everyone here] we appreciate it.

    And your mom’s a total fox.

  • Sheryl

    Ty, as a survivor of my mother’s severe mental illness, I don’t think situations like this only happen in perfect towns – I just think that is one facet that makes the story appealing to the press and to the public. When these things happen in poor areas, I just don’t think it is reported as often. And it is not reported at all for transient populations.

    Victoria, you’re right it is heartbreaking. One thing I can’t get over is how some people reporting and talking about these tragic stories say or imply they don’t think these women were insane at the time. Because the women call the police, or cooperate. The woman in Texas who drowned her children called the police. And people used that to show that she knew it was wrong to kill her children. A person can believe that they are doing something mandated by “god” or another moral imperative, understanding the laws around them, and still believe they are doing the right thing. In the case of the story today, the press is stressing in so many of the write-ups that she was very calm and not hysterical, that they never saw any evidence of illness. Like calmness and mentall illness don’t go together. Like people can look at a person and tell if they are ok or not. Mental illness is so misunderstood.

    I am not saying that people who kill their kids shouldn’t be in prison – I don’t know about that. But I am saying that someone who drowns their kids in the bathtub or cuts off their kid’s arms is not mentally sane. Period. Also, the guilt that people carry with them after doing such things when they are mentally ill is torture and it is paralyzing, sometimes for life.

    I’m sorry, I just don’t got any funny stuff to say today. But I appreciate that others do. 🙂

  • Oh, and in the interests of full disclosure and not being an internet creep, I used to post as “anna”, but there are an awful lot of Annas, so I switched to my alter-ego, Lulu.

  • LadyBug- I know- it’s a hoot right?! I love nutty people- they make life so much more interesting.

    My husband sent the link to me…I’m not even going to ask where he found it. There is noooo telling.

  • eep! didn’t mean to cause a stir, mr or ms ImaD.!

    feeble attempt at joke. I didn’t actually MEAN HEATHER SHOULD TAKE UP AVON SALES!!! Sheesh!

  • Lulu: How many other personalities have you got in there, anyway?

    Amanda B: I looked at your wedding photos and didn’t see any trans-species born-again furry christians, but maybe they’re just all “shifters.”

    Dooce: I changed my mind. Your mom looks like Donna Reed’s daughter.

  • Just the two! I promise!

    Unless, of course, you’re counting Little Anna Sunshine or HappyHappy RingRing, but we don’t hear from them too often, so it’s really not worth mentioning.

    heh. but thanks for asking.

  • Lulu: Oooooooookaaaaaaay. Happy, Happy, Ring, Ring? How the Molatar’s Castle is THAT not really worth mentioning?

  • Ty

    Sheryl, I didn’t mean to imply I think it only happens in the suburbs it was actually more a commentary on how it is only reported in those neighborhoods. I just didn’t express it well, sorry about that. It’s sensationalism. So I actually agree with you.

    As for the woman in the news today, when the story first broke on local television, they were playing the 911 call. She called 911. He (the operator) asked what was wrong and she said with a completely calm voice, like she did this everyday, “I cut off my baby’s arms.” Just like that. He repeated the statement to her, and she just said, “uhhuh.” He asked if she was was breathing, and said “MmmMm” indicating she was not. It was so eery. It was pretty obvious something was wrong there.

    Apparently, she was also being monitored by CPS because she left her 6 day old baby in her apartment alone, and was seen running down the street with her 11 year old daughter riding her bike behind her mother. They implied she was running down the middle of the street or something else very off. It seemed odd enough that a neighbor called the police. CPS had her in counseling and on medication for her post-partum depression.

    CPS is now doing an internal investigation to find out if there was something else they could have done.

    Just thought you all might want a little more info. on the situation.
    It’s just so sad.

  • And now, because you’ve driven me to it, the Little Anna Sunshine theme song (copyright, my dear husband):

    Liiiittle, little Anna Sunshine
    Sheeeee just
    Can’t make up herrrrr mind

    Liiiittle, little Anna Sunshine
    What will she do todaaaaaay?

    (sung early in the morning when I’m cranky, in the most annoyingly sweet voice, with an aggravating little jig to accompany it)

    Catchy, no?

    I have no idea what prompted this song, only that my dear one knows it’ll reliably annoy the pants off me *every time*.

  • And HappyHappy RingRing was my name for my first cellphone, that I was entranced with. It soon became my name (again; Thanks, Husband!) and got old really fast.

    So, see? Not quite as bonkers as it could be. Right? Er–maybe not.

  • Kim

    I sOOOOOO thought that was YOUR eye, dooce.

    Wondering, how many hits does your website get each day?

  • lulu: whatever. Like I’m gonna believe that totally reasonable explanation. I’m the guy who thought Leta was being moved around in her crib by aliens, remember?

  • Leon

    There’s something disturbingly (in the philosophical makes my brain hurt sense) Plato’s Cave-esque about a daughter taking a photograph of her mother at a time when she looks so much like the daughter and you can make out the vague resememblance of the daughter in the glass of the photo itself.

    A picture in a picture in a picture of two different people who are the same

    …..I’m gunna go lie down now

  • Danika

    re: “If you haven’t already, you will, too.”

    Thanks for the hope!

    I look like my Mom a lot. I have an old photo of her and my Dads wedding… its uncanny. My grandfather also told me that when I was 15 I looked EXACTLY the same as my grandmother did when he met her. She was 16 when they met. I wish I had a picture of her from back then.

    No real point to my story except that I agree with the masses… You look JUST like your mom!

  • Mrs.Stray

    Love old photos like that. I have one of my Grandmothers First Communnion.

  • Go, Leta, go! Wait until your mommy finds that you can undo the straps on your own diaper and unleash a trail of doo-doo right through the middle of the house. She’s going to fuh-reak.

  • Nobody

    WOW.

    “Thou art thy mother’s glass and she in thee/
    Calls back the lovely April of her prime”

  • Erin

    I can totally believe she is the Avon World Sales Leader! She looks as fresh as a daisy.

  • Re: Dooce’s matronly instinct.

    My mom used to lick her thumb and wipe smudges off my face with WAY more force than necessary. To this day, I shy away from outstretched thumbs.

  • sally

    The joys of motherhood…you have become a human tissue. It gets even worse, once Leta starts walking around she will come to you with a loving look in her eyes and wipe her nose on your pants/t-shirt/sweater. At least now it is only your hand.
    And, I have become addicted to your site…which makes it hard for me to get any actual work done on the computer.

  • KS

    Just one step away from the spit bath!

  • Is the quality of your photos an artifact of the camera you use, a digital manipulation, or a photographic technique? They all seem to possess a certain old-school Technicolor feel to them that I desperately want to understand.

  • Howdy Fish. Heck no, I’m not shape-shifting if I can’t, (according to Ms. wacky christian dragon lady) change from one thing to another. I might want to be a dragon one day and a chinchilla the next. Screw that.

    My mother will *still* dip her napkin in her glass of water to get stuff off of my face. And I’m 31. Very scary woman.

  • annie

    you definitely have her eyes.

  • George Lover

    Ok, so no one’s actually asked this, but…based on the picture of your mother, it must be asked…was your father or any man involved in the conception process, because the resemblance is uncanny.

  • Lori

    Wow you look like her. A LOT.

  • Sheryl

    Ok, Fish & Amanda B – speaking of shapeshifting:
    Did you see the CSI episode where there was a suspicious death at a convention of “Furries” and “Plushies”?

    Furry Fandom
    http://encyclopedia.thefreedictionary.com/Furry%20fandom

    Article on the episode on a Furries Board
    http://www.furcentral.net/viewarticle.asp?articleid=97/

  • Amanda B: Wait, you can’t change what you shift to? What a rip.

    If I had to be a small furry rodent, I wouldn’t expect that I’d want to be a Chinchilla, though–I have a great fear of being stepped on. Maybe a bat. That’d be cool … or how ’bout a flying squirrel?

    … Okay, time for some caffeine.

  • Oh yeah, since we’re posting weird links today, check out this Yahoo classified that came up when I searched for “chinchilla:”

    http://classifieds.yahoo.com/display/pets?ct_hft=detailnp&intl=us&cc=pets&srid=&cids=pets-1078856671-0355012

    I HAD NO IDEA YOU COULD DO THIS.

    Who has the job of collecting this stuff?

  • lolly

    Fish –
    “Who has the job of collecting this stuff?”
    Do you mean the information for the classified ads?

    blink

    blink

  • hayley

    mush:
    she uses the DOOCE EFFECT on her photos. if you go to her FAQ it tells you how.

  • errrr, yeah. That’s it.

  • Tracy

    Fish, re: that link – I so don’t want to think about how they collect product for that. I mean, it’s not like you can send a dog into the bathroom with a plastic cup and a copy of “Dog Fancy: Bitches Gone Wild”…

    You know what’s even better than chinchillas? Chinchilladas.

  • Tracy

    Damn, forgot links didn’t work:
    http://www.chinchilladas.com

  • JoJo

    I had a friend in college who’s first summer job was working at a turkey farm in Illinois. His job, no kidding, was to extract turkey baby batter from the male turkeys. Apparently they are way too stupid to mate on farms. (I guess they also trample one another and drown themselves if you give them a big bowl of water)

    Anyway, every day as he walked from his car to the barn the turkeys would go wild chasing him and making noise. The male turkeys. They loved him.

  • Molly

    I have a friend with an AG degree from UW River Falls.. She currently has a job collecting Bull sperm.. So of course my first question was.. HOW? She says that they hook the bulls up to artificial Vagina’s they then freeze the AV’s and send them out..

    What a conversation starter….

  • JoJo

    My friend used his hands in surgical gloves to extract the sperm. Get this, the 62-year old turkey farmer showed him the technique a few times for him to get it right.

  • Molly

    *Dooce* You have to love that the site went from a beautiful picture of your mom to collecting animal spooooooge..

  • My work is done here.

  • Molly: A … uh, friend … wants to know where you’d get one of them artificial, bull-sized vaginas, just out of curiosity.

  • George (not GEORGE)

    SHeryl, I *saw* that episode of CSI, here’s a blurb:

    It all starts when a man called Bob Pitt is found dead at the side of a road dressed in a raccoon costume. Bob’s somewhat unusual get-up leads Grissom and Catherine to this year’s “Fur Con”, an annual convention in which ordinary people put their lives as “skins” on hold to dress up as furry creatures. Having extracted blue fur from the vomit found near Bob’s body, the CSIs are on the lookout for any furries who might be sporting a blue costume.

    Grissom, in full scientist mode, thinks “Fur Con” is fascinating, but Catherine finds the whole experience too weird for words. It isn’t long before they find a potential suspect, Miss Kitty, who is spotted slinking down the catwalk of the furry fashion show in her neon blue costume. Kitty refuses to take off her mask at the convention, so she’s hauled back to the police department for questioning.

    Fed up with interrogating a pussy cat, Captain Brass orders Miss Kitty — who likes to be known as Sexy — to take off her mask. But when the deputy does so, a quiet-spoken, middle-aged man named Bud Deaver is revealed. Rather embarrassed and withdrawn without the support of his feline alter ego, Bud says he and Bob Pitt (known in the furry world as Rocky Raccoon) were “skritching”, or rubbing their faces up and down each other’s fur.

    But when Grissom finds Bob Pitt’s semen on the Miss Kitty costume, Bud has to confess what really happened when the furries got intimate. And what goes on at those conventions has to be seen to be believed…

  • Molly

    *fish* not sure .. Maybe ebay? check google.. they HAVE to be available for you.. er I mean your friend..

  • For Fish
  • Gee, lets see … I’d like one artificial cow vagina with a temperature probe … one without, and … ummmmm, give me a coupla’ them disposable artificial vaginas for the road. And an order of fries, please.