An unfiltered fire hose of flaming condemnation

Behold The Festive Ceramic Pig, Gatekeeper at the Doors of Hell

  • ksea


  • that is amazing. I want it. I need it.

    I think I just had a tiny stroke.

    Is it humping that candycane?

  • PKD

    Does anyone else see a pig humping a candy cane?

  • foofer

    The creepy grin combined with the squinty eyes….pure e-villll.

  • Wow. That is an excresence.

    I want to know where she bought it, so I can buy one for all my friends and relatives. Because something that ugly needs to be shared.

  • HAhahha…that’s one freaky pig.

  • Screw reindeer. Santa should use pigs.

  • Ohmygoodness. That is HIDEOUS! Where can I get one?

  • yo mama

    This is the first time I’ve ever commented. Generally I just lurk but, that pig has gotten me out of lurkdom. I’m sorry but, that pig is JUST WRONG! Wrong in so many ways-(scratching head)(tears forming in eyes). I don’t understand it. WHY WHY?

  • jmj

    I’m scared.

  • It’s a good effort, Pig, but Leta still has you beat in the cheeks department.

  • woooah. um. pig decor.

  • allison

    that thing is the most delightfully tacky piece of flair i have EVER SEEN. classy, in that totally un-classy way.

  • Mo

    This thing has a WTF factor that is off the charts.
    (What IS it doing to that candycane???)

  • Paula

    Im scared too. Where did you get it? Its almost secret santa time at work, I could give something like that and whoever got it wouldnt even know it was from me. Sometimes Im pure evil.

  • Awesome piggy!

  • jmj

    Oh hell yes, Paula. That would be the all time best Secret Santa gift. Mwahaha!

  • trel

    so care free…



  • I’m terrified. Behind that big grin and squinty eyes lurks a dark motive.

  • ACK! pig on candy cane, it doesn’t get worse.

    On a different note. I got to play with the Nikon D70. I will admit…I am not ready for all that it is.

    I bought the Kodak 6.1 mp camera yesterday and now I can’t wait to get to playing with it. It doesn’t scare me like the d70 did.

    Dooce…I am not worthy!

  • Benoit


  • Shocked by the P-I-G

    holy mother!!! that’s one UGLY pig… its definitely put me off candy for a bit (thanks dooce for helping me with my “lose weight” prog)

  • Oh my! Repulsive yet enticing.

  • Shocked by the P-I-G

    oh and whats worse than the pig???
    THOSE TYRES!!!!!!!!

    Kristine.. i bought a Kodak 6.1 mp yday as well and i’ve already started clicking away.. gran’s toe nails, my dog’s teeth… very “artistic”

  • Kit

    o.k. so no one else sees a big fat hairy hand choking a pigs head?

    huh? no one?

  • crap sandwiches. the thing i can’t believe is that you’ve ever been near enough to take a picture of such a thing. i cannot imagine such an encounter in my regular life. you must be living an exceptional existence Heather B Armstrong.

  • DG

    >o.k. so no one else sees a big fat hairy hand choking a pigs head?
    I sees it.
    The pig doesn’t mind.
    He’s getting his jollies from the candycane.
    Pigs can orgasm for 30 minutes, or so I’ve heard.
    Ask him again in half an hour.

  • bk0

    sweet creamy jesus i lost my appitite.

  • Sheryl

    Nevermind all of you decor snobs.

    I have a serious problem with the fact this pig must’ve appeared at the Thanksgiving table or buffet…
    It is the WRONG HOLIDAY.

    *The pig should be blowing a pilgrim, not humping a candy cane.*

  • Sheryl

    And for the sake of hot boiling diarrhea! The plates next to the Horny Holiday Pig do not even match!

    I thought your mommy was the Avon World Sales Leader.

  • I’m not the only one who had the camera bug this weekend! yay! I got the Easy Share DX7630. I am taking pictures of some pretty weird things too. Not of weird pigs dry humping a candy cane though.
    My mom calls the camera ‘fancy shmansy’
    Is it wrong to want to cuddle with your camera?

  • DM

    I think for me it’s not so much the pig as it is the title. Heather, you so rock. The title makes it that much creepier.

    I see a very successful career for you in abstract art.

  • Hee. Funny.

  • All I can say is that I just stared, mesmerized, wondering, “why, God, why?”

  • I’m afraid all over the place. That pig is the epitome of hideousness. And, what’s worse, he is privy to the horror that is Christmas decorations BEFORE the end of Thanksgiving.

  • Great. I’m going to have nightmares tonight.

    A pig humping a candy cane on a cloud or is it snow?

    *shudder* Skeery pig indeed!

    Bring back the Leta pictures. Those don’t skeer me!

  • why

  • But what is it *for*? Is it a door stop? A table centerpiece? A toy for children you don’t particularly like? What?

  • Blunt force trauma.

    It’s a club for knocking the turkey or pig (it is decorated for Christmas after all) unconscious prior to butchering.

    Or perhaps for outright bludgeoning, if family small talk goes awry, hence the Gates of Hell reference.

  • A rousing YES to the big fat hand, and yes to the candy-cane pole-dancing– my pre-caffeinated glimpse left me with a “what in bloody christ’s name is that lucian freud bastardisation of a hand-pig getting his rocks off with a lolly?” (The mind is reduced to childhood slang when pre-coffee’d) This photo makes me want a job in psychoanalysis– I don’t know what to think when I’m reminded that this thing was born of SOMEONE’S MIND.

  • That’s exactly the same face I make when I’m humping a candy cane. And that raises an important question: what’s the white stuff underneat the candy cane? Please, God, let it be snow.

  • wow. very nearly as demonic as the one in The Amityville Horror!

    kudos to your mom for her excellent infernal taste in tchotchkes. tell her to take a look at the work of Hieronymous Bosch for further inspiration.

  • Wow. Uh, that is really wrong.

  • But have you ever felt the effects of peppermint on your umm, hoo ha? Like when they clean the pole with pinesol. ouch.

  • Susie

    I too, am frightened . . . yet, I cannot look away. And please do tell us where such a creature can be had. This would so take care of a number of in-laws on my gift list.

  • Sheryl

    Telle Stein Xmas Pig on Candy Cane Sleigh Ride Statue

    Quick! 3 hours and 53 minutes and counting on the auction!

  • And Fish isn’t here to enjoy this. What a cryin shame.

  • Colleen from NJ

    that Christmas pig from hell scared the bejesus out of me. My constipation problem? Solved.

  • They also make a Jewish version of that decoration. It’s a circumcised pig. He has converted and been called to the Torah for his Bar Mitzvah. He’s riding a piece of Gefilte Fish and wearing a yarmulke instead of that cap.

  • Colleen from NJ

    Sheryl, I genuflect. How did you find that, and for only 25 bucks?
    Let’s start bidding!

Heather B. Armstrong

Hi. I’m Heather B. Armstrong, and this used to be called mommy blogging. But then they started calling it Influencer Marketing: hashtag ad, hashtag sponsored, hashtag you know you want me to slap your product on my kid and exploit her for millions and millions of dollars. That’s how this shit works. Now? Well… sit back, buckle up, and enjoy the ride.

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